I've been so angry this week. Maybe a bit at God. A lot of anger directed towards myself. But I was angry at my situation. There was a period of looking for someone to blame. The feelings bled into the memories of mum and in a strange, personified way, this anger mixed in with my loss and kept nagging,"Why me?? Why should I have to do this? What's wrong with this family?"

And indeed, I couldn't do it on my own. It was a tough week, where worship was nearly out of my agenda.

Today, I spent some good time reading God's word. I was just skimming through the New Testament, before I headed out to watch Michael Clayton.

I read Mark, and came across 1:35-2:8. It was about Jesus going into a solitary place at silly A.M in the morning, just to spend time with God in peace and quiet, where no one could disturb him. Following that, Jesus healed a leper and instructed him not to tell anyone of his miraculous healing, but the healed man couldn't hold his joy, and drew a lot of attention to JC from all over. It was hectic for JC from there on; even trying to go home found him healing and rebuking some people. He really didn't have much rest...but what struck me, was that whether he knew how busy he would be or not, Jesus needed time alone to spend with God. I don't know what he prayed for; it might've been giving thanks, asking for God to give him strength and endurance for the next couple of days, for wisdom in how to teach. He just needed the time alone, otherwise he wouldn't have made that time with God. It's not even like Jesus thought "I'll see how my day progresses, but I'll definitely set some time apart." He did it in the morning, because it's a necessity, regardless of what we need, or what may happen in the future. I needed that time alone with God so much...but bad planning this week found me struggling for any time alone with God. I only felt His presence strongly when I was with other people. So what did I learn this week/today? When you need the time, don't complain; make it. God's listening all the time and waiting for you to talk. So initiate the conversation.

Michael Clayton was ok. We missed 15 minutes of the movie, because we were waiting for Ibi's and Odoley's friends. However, it didn't affect the story TOO much. It's really complicated...so if you watch it, have your thinking hat on..!

I've also decided I really like Planetshakers and don't really feel Chris Tomlin's style. Saosin has been growing on me, after I heard a song, called You're Not Alone. Bringing back the emo and punk days..!

Keep Chasing.

V

Labels: alone, anger, learning, time

「€Œ 1:53 am 」 » Comments:

"The thing that gets me a lot...and has been for the past few weeks...is the way people are so ready to disown other people...even if it's just a laugh. It's like, almost a pride thing, where they are too cool to be associated with that person...so for example, when you see someone you know, and as a laugh, say "Oh, I don't know you! Hahahaha!"

Conviction falls like a hammer. It craters wide and deep. It settles evenly as like lead dust. Conviction burrows deep into your already cracked heart, further down an existing one, or funneling a new way.

Pride. n.

1. A sense of one's own proper dignity or value; self-respect.

The speech presented at the top of this post is what Tomps said to me. How true are his words. It may be pedantic, but it leads to the problem within, where you don't even realise that you harbour this pride. Where you allow this to settle comfortably, nestling within your heart and letting it mar your good qualities JC bestowed upon you. Although the intention is just for laughs, I realise where Tomps was going with this conviction. Satan makes you think it's ok to joke like that, even though you're just having a laugh, you're immediately placing yourself above other people; you're "disowning your own friends" for the sake of reputation.

Well, JC threw his life away and poured out his blood and disfigured his body, so that we might know God. What right do I have to uphold my "dignity" and retain a "respectable" image for the sake of society, people's opinions and "street cred"?

"Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, tht it may benefit those who listen." - Ephesians 4:29

On another note, I saw the doctor today. I may have torn my knee ligament. Need to go back for a scan, to see the extent of the damage.

Sorry everyone for what I've done and said.

V

Labels: learning, love, pride

「€Œ 3:25 am 」 » Comments:

So, a while has settled before I touch this blog. What has happened?

Tuesday, me, Daniel, Mel and her best mate from college went to see Journey To The West. She's called Romana. I haven't seen her in years. I don't mean two or three; I can recall vividly slapping her when she was visiting Mel at our house when I was eight. Beyond that, I can't recollect any other meetings. Her first reaction when she saw me and realized who I am, was "Oh my GOD!! You've grown up!!!" And hand to her mouth in astonishment and the like. It was strange seeing people from the past... Made me think, "what about the people I went to school with? What will they think of me now? Would they use the same adjectives and descriptions? Will I be completely foreign when held against who they knew a few years ago?" But I digress. The play was so funny...really brought the antagonistic nature of Monkey out, but conveyed the relationships and unity of the group through all their little trials. The colour was awesome; the blends, the contrast, the subtle implications of what may happen. The Chinese producers seem to be showing an innovative streak when it comes to colour co-ordination, as shown through those big epic films like Crouching Tiger Hidden Dragon, or House of Flying Daggers. My main critique, which was agreed upon by Mel and her mate Romana, was that the subtitles were a bit random...everything was in mandarin and subtitles were being shown at the foot of the stage. However...they popped up sporadically, all in white as well, so it was difficult to piece together who was saying what to who and it was just a whole lot of confusion! If they had that sorted, I think it would have fetched them a lot more laughs, whilst catering the audience's understanding a whole lot better! haha. monkey noises...ooh ooh!

I went to the Eden conference, about Urban missions! Basically, helping out in the community! The reason behind MY attendance is because Matt Coulson thought up of what to do with 6:13, to help them grow as a unit and spiritually, whilst contributing towards church's vision of expanding in the community. As such, he composed a mini-project for 6:13, labeling it "Action Wednesdays". Since it's on a Wednesday, it'll probably be during day hours, like, 9-5? But the majority of the leader team are working...I emphasize on *majority* because I'm the only one available. So, I personally feel Matt has just dumped something that was his passion, onto my shoulders. At first, as cynical and indifferent as possible, I just said "yes Matt. Whatever you say. I'll do it because I don't have a choice and you'll probably be annoyed with me if I don't." Nothing really happened; I have to go with Uncle Kim and Shermaine on one of their visits to the neighbourhood to introduce myself to the people whose houses we will invade - I mean, renovate, according to their needs! Karen invited me to this conference held in Manchester, by the people in charge of the Eden project! People from all over the country gathered; Sheffield, Leeds, Birmingham, Scotland. The furthest was Germany!! How insane!!

I was totally humbled by this whole thing. People were sharing about what to do once they've moved into an estate, how they could help, tension between teams and other leaders and how to resolve this. The visions, aims and size of the projects were really massive...I felt so out of my league! These people were seeing youth around them saved, after investing years of their lives into the youth and discipling, monitoring and encouraging them! Stories shared were from extremity to extremity...like, people being shot with BB guns whilst trying to worship in the congregation, windows being smashed regularly, just blemishing these genuine people's lives with malevolence and intention to make their lives hell, for moving on these estates. I was really inspired by it all...although I don't have such a project in my hands, I aim to make sure we can bless the community around us with our joy and unassuming work for them! It took a while, but I've realized that...maybe this is what God wants me to be doing over the summer? haha...things fall in place in really odd bits!

I guess here's the serious, personal stuff now. After a lot of thinking after going to Liverpool for Katie Lang's birthday, I realised...I need to step up a gear. I was just thinking, after some of the events and some of my actions, that I am now a youth leader. I'm not sure if my conduct and demeanor reflects that at all...there were many times when I wasn't being fully responsible and didn't thoroughly appraise the consequences of my actions. Yes, it's not youth group and we can all have fun. But yes, we are living as salt and light in a dark world and we're all set out to be leaders. I have to start..."upgrading". In that sense, I refer to myself not being someone I am not...otherwise, Vinny K and the team wouldn't have agreed to allow me onto the leader team. They think I am capable of being a youth group leader; namely, being aware of my actions, being able to make a clear distinction between what's right and wrong, set an example through faith and action and being "mature". They have clear belief in this, after seeing me grow and develop as a person and spiritually. But what is mature? Chester gave me a good definition, with regards to conduct - "The distinction between having fun and being serious". But, at this moment in time, I feel like I'm not engaging with this level of maturity properly...and I know I have to step up. But it doesn't mean being someone who I'm not, because I've displayed "sides" of me which convey *some* depth of intelligence and sensitivity. I'm just lost...how far do I have to go?

Another sort of serious issue that I've recognized and confronted is one that's interlinked with the above issue of maturity and responsibility. I was at Sean's christening for his sons today...and I met many people. One of whom is Sean's close friend. He amusedly remarked how he has seen different "sides" to me. Moreover, I was joking with Sean's grandmother. She sparked up a superficial debate in jest, that you needed to have a degree to use the chocolate fountain (sweet isn't she?) I just played along and giggled with her...yet when she brought it up in the kitchen, once again, all in good humour, Sean took it differently and thought I called her plain dumb. What hurts isn't the fact that he thought I would have done something like that; do I really portray so many aspects of my personality, that are so far from each other, that I seem like there are a few persona I adopt around different people? What I mean is...does Sean think that I am two faced and so shallow, that I pretend to be someone else when I'm with him, then do what I like in the background? I work hard on keeping my integrity grounded and unwavering. Yet, he is so uncertain about my "humour" that he knows when I'm kidding with him, yet when with other people, he must be thinking that I'm such a prick for being so...frivolous, flaring and outrageous comments and allowing a demeaning attitude towards everyone else overcome me. As God's child...surely...shouldn't I be just as one person? Yeah we make mistakes. But I'm torn that people think I act differently around other people. It's true to an extent. Everyone does. But my integrity, honesty, manners and care for others should be equivalent and spread in the same, abstract quantity across everyone I meet, so upon comparison, there is no doubt about *that* aspect of my character. But I don't think this is the case...

I hate being young.

Labels: integrity, learning, maturity, pensive, reflection

「€Œ 11:47 pm 」 » Comments:

And so it's done.

A whole year. From September till now. That's it. I'm now a more experienced university student and I know how it all works; making friends, maintaining those friendships, attendance for lectures and tutorials, amount of dedication for work, extracurricular activities. On top of all that, I was increasingly involved in church; mainly the worship side of things. Also, I've slowly been building myself up to become a youth group leader. Come September, I shall hold the title. But that's all it is. One thing I have deduced from the label of YG leader is that they all have a passion for the youth and helping them come to know the Lord; the label doesn't reflect any of the individual's knowledge, experience, or walk with God, though. It does reflect determination and the will to be better.

My friend has gone back to Brunei. It's a real pity that he's gone. Only started to get to know him over the past half year. The other half, I was struggling and swiping in mid air for comfort and joy. In retrospect, I'm not sure how else we would have/could have spent the time together. I think...that I don't regret anything we did in the past. Everything done, was to strengthen the friendship, consciously or unwittingly. He's gone now. It's time to move on, I guess. I'm *so* not used to this whole idea of people coming and going in life. Emotional attachment sucks.

A whole year...It was only yesterday I felt that pain smolder; the itch beyond cure. It was only yesterday I was still questioning and wondering where I was, why I was and what to do. It was only yesterday I was 18 and was slightly drunk. It's flown by. What have I learnt?

Not enough.

Labels: learning, pensive, reflection

「€Œ 4:29 pm 」 » Comments:

I need words
As wide as sky
I need language large as
This longing inside
And I need a voice
Bigger than mine
And I need a song to sing You
That I've yet to find
I need You,
oh I need You
I need You,
oh I need You
To be here now
To be here now
To hear me now
To hear me now

What a turbulent past couple of weeks I've been having. Was at a complete standstill with God, just...not moving much. Exams really suck. However, it has had its highlights as well; namely just the meeting of a few new brothers and hearing stories of preservation throughout this time of CRAP!! Exams = rubbish?? It's like, Satan took hold of that *one* person in the education department all that time ago and implanted the seed of thought into his head, culminating into him suggesting "I know...just for *FUN* let's TEST these people on EVERYTHING they could POSSIBLY learn throughout the entire year! AND for the icing on top, let's make sure that their life and professional careers are messed up, should they fail? *maniacal laughter ensues*"

That David Crowder song is called "I Need Words". What a wonderful song Ches Ches introduced me to. It's about requiring strength beyond our own. Although I'm not in a position to need words as such, I relate to the song's sentiment. I have just been feeling utterly weak the past few weeks...with unnecessary thoughts flitting around in this noggin of mine. Dad springs to mind. So does exams and future. Psch future...can play around with that forever.

I have also brought back a few U2 classics home, like "North and South of the River". Strange though; it's a war song. What the hell am I doing listening to a war song??? Haha the lyrics are just as poignant in this one...

There was a badness that had its way
But love wasn't lost, love will have its day

I wanna meet you where you are
I don't need ya to surrender '
Cause there's no feeling that's so alone
As when the one you're hurting is your own

Just feelings of inadequacy and reaching my limits, being generally myopic and putting God in a box...God is so graceful even after I realize I shouldn't act so fallen; his message was so gentle and simple. God is a jealous God (exodus 34:14) and His words aren't empty...Isaiah 41:10 -

So do not fear, for I am with you;
do not be dismayed, for I am your God.
I will strengthen you and help you;
I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.

Yet even if these promises are there, I'm so *stupid* for not being abandoned within them. I realized "Hey...you part of the body. Look at them all around you, clinging desperately to God and forcefully taking the Kingdom of God! See how they're coping? What the HELL are YOU doing just standing here?? Get on with your life!!! STOP holding everyone else back, weak sauce!! Stop *THINKING* and analyzing and improve to no end!!!!!!"

For sure, I need You; my Father God, I need Him like no time like the present. But, I can't just sit here any longer. Restlessness has taken its toll; I'm gonna carry on! Thank you, Tomps, for helping me realize this! Thank you GOD for being so faithful...

To echo Chris Mellen's thoughts, there shall be a new addition to my motto.

Keep *chasing* Him!
Uni. It'll either make or break you.

V

Labels: God, learning, limits, need

「€Œ 11:29 am 」 » Comments:

First exam today. Brain and behaviour; some parts are so interesting. Others are so biological and contain so much information about case studies...that it's like cubes of crap trying to ram through an obtuse grate with airtight gaps. Pardon me for the crude analogy, but a lot of it wasn't sinking in.

Probably at most, 20 questions were answered with a bit of confidence. The rest was a guessing game and a mental battle of instinct vs luck.

Working out harmonies is now officially fun. Not errattic notes that are in sync with the melody from time to time, but melodies that aren't so different from the original. It's a whole new world, this new instrument I have stumbled upon.

What lesson am I learning? That assumption is always a predecessor of anarchy if left unchecked and without thorough examination and preparation. This is the third block because I've been down before. But does it mean the past lessons have no meaning to them?

Rely on God's strength. Not yours.

I feel sick with disgust and realization. But, regardless of how beaten up I am, it's human nature not to accept defeat lightly. So, it's from square one again. Think carefully before you say what you "assume" is acceptable, or whatever you deem safe by your construct of standards. Just think, you might actually help for once.

Pick yourself up and go then. It's not in my nature to stay down, either. I'm feeling restless again. Next exams are 30th May, 4th June and 6th June. I'm useless to God if I'm stood still.

I'll stand with arms high and heart abandoned

In awe of the one who gave it all

Uni. It'll either make or break you.

V

Labels: assumption, harmony, learning

「€Œ 2:23 am 」 » Comments: