Ever learning. Always failing. Forever weak. Yet eternally saved. From a price to pay. Which I could and can not afford. Learning to live life. Learning to love life. Growing into shoes larger than my own. Finding meaning in Your name. Love and peace.
1. Feeling shame or guilt: Are you ashamed for having lied?
2. Feeling inferior, inadequate, or embarrassed: ashamed of my torn coat.
This concept of feeling ashamed has been rolling around my mind for a while. I have been trying to grapple with the idea of shame and what circumstances I'm usually put in, to feel shame.
Being Chinese, the first cultural topic of shame is achievement...more explicitly, success. Praise God that I have decent GCSE, A Level and University results. It's second nature to compare your child's results and achievements besides someone else's, for pride and for security, perhaps? You gain respect for having success...people look up to you.
So being in a Chinese church...we're called to be counter cultural...yet it feels even worse when your seniors come up to you and ask "do you have a job? Why not? Why don't you become a doctor? Why don't you do X, Y and Z?". Rain down, shame.
As a young Christian, we are encouraged to not be ashamed; to speak to our friends about Jesus and His redemptive works on the cross and how much He loves us.
I categorically did NOT speak to my friends about Jesus, because of shame.
It's basic stuff...what I'm sure every Bible reading, God fearing, Jesus loving Christian knows, Jesus commands us and instructs us to go to every nation to make disciples; to spread the good news.
Yet I find it more and more difficult as I grow older...not necessarily growing in maturity. Rather, I find myself receding in my relationship, when I can love God and praise Him behind closed doors, yet not share of His great love to other people.
Even blogging. I feel ashamed to blog, after developing relationships with so many people, I have lost my passion to blog, because I feel embarrassed and hypocritical to share anything...I don't know who reads it and I feel shame from posting my feelings for people to see...I have held back my courage to be vulnerable to the world, because I am scared I will get hurt. Quite simply, I am scared to get hurt, because someone somewhere will think, feel and say something that will not rest well with me...not that I am the centre of THE universe...just the centre of mine...=)
So, carrying this (bad) attitude of holding everything back from the world and my friends, I go to yNEEC's leader meeting. I speak to Becky Fong, Liverpool youth group's long suffering, patient and loving leader for close to a decade. I pop her the professional, superficial, what was intended to be HARMLESS question, "how are you?"
...to which she responded: "How am I? Hm well...I was made redundant, so I have no job...I'm a 30 year old living at home with my parents...I can't speak Cantonese...but it's ok, because I have Christ in me".
I was completely taken aback; I didn't expect her to be so blunt and, more explicitly, vulnerable. The way she worded her situation was completely counter cultural...just very straightforward and to end it, she finished by saying that because Christ is in her, it is ok. Not because of a financial promise to see her through until she finds a job, or because she can take a quick course to refine her Cantonese, or not even because she will be moving out soon with some friends and show her independance. Rather, she said it is because Jesus Christ lives in her, that she can face the world and it will be ok. The cliche, blase phrase that we're so used to hearing suddenly made sense in a whole new light.
I had forgotten about salvation and about how much Jesus loves us and how much God will give us. Thrown into a world where we're called to be independant and it's demanded that we are accountable to everything, sorting out own finances, accommodation, family life and work commitments, we only find we're ok when we meet the needs of the world.
Yet I had forgotten that it's ok to be in a shameful position, all because Christ is with us. I was really broken by this thought that I had relied on other things, mainly myself, and completely neglected that Jesus' grace means we will somehow be all right.
Ashamed. I am not ashamed of the gospel, because it is the power of God for the salvation of everyone who believes - Paul says.
I really want to keep blogging. I have felt ashamed and sometimes lonely, when I go about my business and receive no encouragement for anything I do. The common concept is that leaders are self sufficient, relying on other means that don't involve you.
But the truth is, I am scared, often of what people think (obv shouldn't be the case) and I need a lot of encouragement.
But I am not ashamed to come out of my shell, to just show that I am human too. Regardless of talent and giftings, I am still fleshy and poor and weak. I am not ashamed to say I love Jesus, because He loved me.
I am ashamed to say I don't show the same love to other people, because of how cold they are to me. I am ashamed to say that I shun certain crowds and forge stereotypes in my head to fit individuals.
But it's ok, because Christ is in me, and I will emulate Christ.
I guess I will try to blog more often...but I'll need rethinking on what my blog is for and what do I mean to do with this.
Saturday, April 24, 2010
-sh
md
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「€Œ 2:48 pm 」 » 
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