Ever learning. Always failing. Forever weak. Yet eternally saved. From a price to pay. Which I could and can not afford. Learning to live life. Learning to love life. Growing into shoes larger than my own. Finding meaning in Your name. Love and peace.
I've been so angry this week. Maybe a bit at God. A lot of anger directed towards myself. But I was angry at my situation. There was a period of looking for someone to blame. The feelings bled into the memories of mum and in a strange, personified way, this anger mixed in with my loss and kept nagging,"Why me?? Why should I have to do this? What's wrong with this family?"
And indeed, I couldn't do it on my own. It was a tough week, where worship was nearly out of my agenda.
Today, I spent some good time reading God's word. I was just skimming through the New Testament, before I headed out to watch Michael Clayton.
I read Mark, and came across 1:35-2:8. It was about Jesus going into a solitary place at silly A.M in the morning, just to spend time with God in peace and quiet, where no one could disturb him. Following that, Jesus healed a leper and instructed him not to tell anyone of his miraculous healing, but the healed man couldn't hold his joy, and drew a lot of attention to JC from all over. It was hectic for JC from there on; even trying to go home found him healing and rebuking some people. He really didn't have much rest...but what struck me, was that whether he knew how busy he would be or not, Jesus needed time alone to spend with God. I don't know what he prayed for; it might've been giving thanks, asking for God to give him strength and endurance for the next couple of days, for wisdom in how to teach. He just needed the time alone, otherwise he wouldn't have made that time with God. It's not even like Jesus thought "I'll see how my day progresses, but I'll definitely set some time apart." He did it in the morning, because it's a necessity, regardless of what we need, or what may happen in the future. I needed that time alone with God so much...but bad planning this week found me struggling for any time alone with God. I only felt His presence strongly when I was with other people. So what did I learn this week/today? When you need the time, don't complain; make it. God's listening all the time and waiting for you to talk. So initiate the conversation.
Michael Clayton was ok. We missed 15 minutes of the movie, because we were waiting for Ibi's and Odoley's friends. However, it didn't affect the story TOO much. It's really complicated...so if you watch it, have your thinking hat on..!
I've also decided I really like Planetshakers and don't really feel Chris Tomlin's style. Saosin has been growing on me, after I heard a song, called You're Not Alone. Bringing back the emo and punk days..!
Saturday, October 06, 2007
「€Œ 1:53 am 」 » 
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