Ever learning. Always failing. Forever weak. Yet eternally saved. From a price to pay. Which I could and can not afford. Learning to live life. Learning to love life. Growing into shoes larger than my own. Finding meaning in Your name. Love and peace.
I'm seriously considering what I'm going to write here and whether it'll edify ANYONE...haha. But yeah, this blog is selfish in nature, since it's predominantly about me me me.
Macho, Macho man. I want to be a Macho man...
What is the origin of "Macho"?
ma·chis·mo(mä-chzm)n.
1. A strong or exaggerated sense of masculinity stressing attributes such as physical courage, virility, domination of women, and aggressiveness.
2. An exaggerated sense of strength or toughness:
I used to struggle with that when I was younger, as I grew up in an all boy's school. What they valued weren't integrity, faithfulness, patience or appreciation. Who beat the stuffing out of who, who was faster, or could kick a ball harder and even who could goad the teachers into a provoked frustrated reaction; they were characteristics of being a proper bloke (as said in the Mancunian accent!)
And I never found any of that. I could only identify with football, because I got an adrenaline rush everytime I felt the grass crunch under my feet, or the sweet taste of leather making clean contact with the ball.
I grew up trying to be a proper "man". These romantics ideals of the true "man" having an 8 pack, incredible at everything, possessing smashing good looks, 6'2'' and never wavering under pressure or stress of life, circumstance or danger. They were imposed on my fragile mind by media, friends from Church and school.
And even now, I still fail to meet these expectations, by a long shot. I cry when there is hope. My legs crumple when there is restoration of love, or when I hear someone's morals caused them to act. Sacrifice. I tear myself in half when I hear that there was someone I could have helped, in any way.
But the Lord is so gracious...because it never says in the bible "Thou shalt have 40 inch biceps and be able to take years of pain, in order to meet the requirements of being a TRUE man. I am the Lord and I have spoken."
He's never said that...but, God DOES call us to be MEN of God...and MEN of God DO make the tough choices. They DO have to swallow their PRIDE and get hurt along the process, physically and emotionally. We DO have to sacrifice a lot. But what blesses me is that even I...the pathetic, temperamental, little guy like myself, can be a man of God. And I don't need to grow taller, or be really strong.
What are the qualities of being a true man of God? Thankfully, being fully open with my emotions and feelings. There is a difference between GIVING INTO my emotions, but I can be honest with the Lord and tell Him "God...can't you see I'm crying? I'm in so much pain, right now..."
It breaks my heart...but I felt so lonely in Student Fellowship today. I was so drained, and I couldn't really connect with the Spirit when everyone was praying. I played guitar, whilst Joanne was on the piano. There was a time of intercession, when the Spirit convicted and moved amongst everyone...People were overwhelmed by joy and hope and were bawling everywhere. Then they made a circle and prayed together, for each other. But I felt alienated...they were praying that people would be called into leadership and strive to push God's kingdom there. But I didn't hear anything from Him...I just stood there, strumming, wondering what my part in Student Fellowship is. Maybe the Lord doesn't want me to serve there for now...
Leadership has been given to me, according to Rachel...But Lord...it's such a lonely path. 2 Corinthians 12:8-9 -
Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me.
So please see me for who I am. I'm so lonely and I'm a broken individual that can't do anything by himself...cause he's tried and tore a knee ligament along the way...I'm just a weakling who's been picked to carry His blessings. I boast that I am fragile, emotional, "girly", sensitive, an outcast of 6:13 and student fellowship, have a small friend network and no social life, cannot dance, over enthusiastic. I confess I am all of these, because it is only through Christ that I am of any use...
And by "Christmas time" I am referring to the holidays.
How am I spending it?
Currently I'm doing jury duty...if you've registered to be legible for electoral rights, then you are entered into the government database for jury duty...so I can vote...but I don't...cause I don't follow the politics of the country, which is bad...and I am therefore available to be on a jury panel.
Jury duty...you ask, "what's that? What do you do?" Well...imagine all those law scenes in films. Ally Mcbeal? Remember that show? I'm one of the people who votes with other people whether someone is guilty or not, after all the evidence has been presented. Sixty other people have been selected to do it this week...I only have to do it this week, as Christmas and New Year's Day is right around the corner.
If your name is read out whilst in the waiting room, you are one of the fifteen people to be available for being selected on the jury panel, which consists of twelve people...so that means that three people still might not do anything and will just get sent back.
I was sent back, haha...It's very nerve-wracking though. You swear an oath...and you are possibly condemning someone to a harsh sentence; deservedly or not is your own opinion.
Either way, I'm spending my first week of holiday alone. My housemates went back to Kenya and Ghana. I'm home alone for now...and praise the Lord. I need this time to reflect. To bask in His presence and just relax...Christmas cards need doing, as well as the monotonous duty of...wrapping =.="
But praise the Lord for my housemates. I don't feel as lonely. I see God's goodness through their company and playfulness, just lightening up the air and warming up the atmosphere, even if a fraction of a degree. The bite of cold is diluted when you're with people. When you have hope.
I found an awesome quote that really blesses me when I read it...
"The Christian faith is not true because it works; it works because it is true...It is not simply 'true for us'; it is true for any who seek in order to find, because truth is true even if nobody believes it and falsehood is false even if everybody believes it" - Os Guinness.
How do I solidify my feelings? How do I personify my attitude and ambition at the moment? A thought comes to mind...fire. And after a moments thought, with fingers on the line, crouched and poised to explode with thought and expression...I came out with this.
Fire; rampage and rustle, weave and transpose, stay and be, blaze fierce or flicker mildly, stay and be.
After reading my nonsense, I realised what I feel like. No matter how big or small my passion for Him may be, I will love Him all the same, because He loves me all the time too.
I've been so angry this week. Maybe a bit at God. A lot of anger directed towards myself. But I was angry at my situation. There was a period of looking for someone to blame. The feelings bled into the memories of mum and in a strange, personified way, this anger mixed in with my loss and kept nagging,"Why me?? Why should I have to do this? What's wrong with this family?"
And indeed, I couldn't do it on my own. It was a tough week, where worship was nearly out of my agenda.
Today, I spent some good time reading God's word. I was just skimming through the New Testament, before I headed out to watch Michael Clayton.
I read Mark, and came across 1:35-2:8. It was about Jesus going into a solitary place at silly A.M in the morning, just to spend time with God in peace and quiet, where no one could disturb him. Following that, Jesus healed a leper and instructed him not to tell anyone of his miraculous healing, but the healed man couldn't hold his joy, and drew a lot of attention to JC from all over. It was hectic for JC from there on; even trying to go home found him healing and rebuking some people. He really didn't have much rest...but what struck me, was that whether he knew how busy he would be or not, Jesus needed time alone to spend with God. I don't know what he prayed for; it might've been giving thanks, asking for God to give him strength and endurance for the next couple of days, for wisdom in how to teach. He just needed the time alone, otherwise he wouldn't have made that time with God. It's not even like Jesus thought "I'll see how my day progresses, but I'll definitely set some time apart." He did it in the morning, because it's a necessity, regardless of what we need, or what may happen in the future. I needed that time alone with God so much...but bad planning this week found me struggling for any time alone with God. I only felt His presence strongly when I was with other people. So what did I learn this week/today? When you need the time, don't complain; make it. God's listening all the time and waiting for you to talk. So initiate the conversation.
Michael Clayton was ok. We missed 15 minutes of the movie, because we were waiting for Ibi's and Odoley's friends. However, it didn't affect the story TOO much. It's really complicated...so if you watch it, have your thinking hat on..!
I've also decided I really like Planetshakers and don't really feel Chris Tomlin's style. Saosin has been growing on me, after I heard a song, called You're Not Alone. Bringing back the emo and punk days..!
Friday, April 04, 2008
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