V - the story of: Who am I?
Sunday, July 08, 2007

« Who am I? »

So, a while has settled before I touch this blog. What has happened?

Tuesday, me, Daniel, Mel and her best mate from college went to see Journey To The West. She's called Romana. I haven't seen her in years. I don't mean two or three; I can recall vividly slapping her when she was visiting Mel at our house when I was eight. Beyond that, I can't recollect any other meetings. Her first reaction when she saw me and realized who I am, was "Oh my GOD!! You've grown up!!!" And hand to her mouth in astonishment and the like. It was strange seeing people from the past... Made me think, "what about the people I went to school with? What will they think of me now? Would they use the same adjectives and descriptions? Will I be completely foreign when held against who they knew a few years ago?" But I digress. The play was so funny...really brought the antagonistic nature of Monkey out, but conveyed the relationships and unity of the group through all their little trials. The colour was awesome; the blends, the contrast, the subtle implications of what may happen. The Chinese producers seem to be showing an innovative streak when it comes to colour co-ordination, as shown through those big epic films like Crouching Tiger Hidden Dragon, or House of Flying Daggers. My main critique, which was agreed upon by Mel and her mate Romana, was that the subtitles were a bit random...everything was in mandarin and subtitles were being shown at the foot of the stage. However...they popped up sporadically, all in white as well, so it was difficult to piece together who was saying what to who and it was just a whole lot of confusion! If they had that sorted, I think it would have fetched them a lot more laughs, whilst catering the audience's understanding a whole lot better! haha. monkey noises...ooh ooh!

I went to the Eden conference, about Urban missions! Basically, helping out in the community! The reason behind MY attendance is because Matt Coulson thought up of what to do with 6:13, to help them grow as a unit and spiritually, whilst contributing towards church's vision of expanding in the community. As such, he composed a mini-project for 6:13, labeling it "Action Wednesdays". Since it's on a Wednesday, it'll probably be during day hours, like, 9-5? But the majority of the leader team are working...I emphasize on *majority* because I'm the only one available. So, I personally feel Matt has just dumped something that was his passion, onto my shoulders. At first, as cynical and indifferent as possible, I just said "yes Matt. Whatever you say. I'll do it because I don't have a choice and you'll probably be annoyed with me if I don't." Nothing really happened; I have to go with Uncle Kim and Shermaine on one of their visits to the neighbourhood to introduce myself to the people whose houses we will invade - I mean, renovate, according to their needs! Karen invited me to this conference held in Manchester, by the people in charge of the Eden project! People from all over the country gathered; Sheffield, Leeds, Birmingham, Scotland. The furthest was Germany!! How insane!!

I was totally humbled by this whole thing. People were sharing about what to do once they've moved into an estate, how they could help, tension between teams and other leaders and how to resolve this. The visions, aims and size of the projects were really massive...I felt so out of my league! These people were seeing youth around them saved, after investing years of their lives into the youth and discipling, monitoring and encouraging them! Stories shared were from extremity to extremity...like, people being shot with BB guns whilst trying to worship in the congregation, windows being smashed regularly, just blemishing these genuine people's lives with malevolence and intention to make their lives hell, for moving on these estates. I was really inspired by it all...although I don't have such a project in my hands, I aim to make sure we can bless the community around us with our joy and unassuming work for them! It took a while, but I've realized that...maybe this is what God wants me to be doing over the summer? haha...things fall in place in really odd bits!

I guess here's the serious, personal stuff now. After a lot of thinking after going to Liverpool for Katie Lang's birthday, I realised...I need to step up a gear. I was just thinking, after some of the events and some of my actions, that I am now a youth leader. I'm not sure if my conduct and demeanor reflects that at all...there were many times when I wasn't being fully responsible and didn't thoroughly appraise the consequences of my actions. Yes, it's not youth group and we can all have fun. But yes, we are living as salt and light in a dark world and we're all set out to be leaders. I have to start..."upgrading". In that sense, I refer to myself not being someone I am not...otherwise, Vinny K and the team wouldn't have agreed to allow me onto the leader team. They think I am capable of being a youth group leader; namely, being aware of my actions, being able to make a clear distinction between what's right and wrong, set an example through faith and action and being "mature". They have clear belief in this, after seeing me grow and develop as a person and spiritually. But what is mature? Chester gave me a good definition, with regards to conduct - "The distinction between having fun and being serious". But, at this moment in time, I feel like I'm not engaging with this level of maturity properly...and I know I have to step up. But it doesn't mean being someone who I'm not, because I've displayed "sides" of me which convey *some* depth of intelligence and sensitivity. I'm just lost...how far do I have to go?

Another sort of serious issue that I've recognized and confronted is one that's interlinked with the above issue of maturity and responsibility. I was at Sean's christening for his sons today...and I met many people. One of whom is Sean's close friend. He amusedly remarked how he has seen different "sides" to me. Moreover, I was joking with Sean's grandmother. She sparked up a superficial debate in jest, that you needed to have a degree to use the chocolate fountain (sweet isn't she?) I just played along and giggled with her...yet when she brought it up in the kitchen, once again, all in good humour, Sean took it differently and thought I called her plain dumb. What hurts isn't the fact that he thought I would have done something like that; do I really portray so many aspects of my personality, that are so far from each other, that I seem like there are a few persona I adopt around different people? What I mean is...does Sean think that I am two faced and so shallow, that I pretend to be someone else when I'm with him, then do what I like in the background? I work hard on keeping my integrity grounded and unwavering. Yet, he is so uncertain about my "humour" that he knows when I'm kidding with him, yet when with other people, he must be thinking that I'm such a prick for being so...frivolous, flaring and outrageous comments and allowing a demeaning attitude towards everyone else overcome me. As God's child...surely...shouldn't I be just as one person? Yeah we make mistakes. But I'm torn that people think I act differently around other people. It's true to an extent. Everyone does. But my integrity, honesty, manners and care for others should be equivalent and spread in the same, abstract quantity across everyone I meet, so upon comparison, there is no doubt about *that* aspect of my character. But I don't think this is the case...

I hate being young.

Labels: , , , ,

「€Œ 11:47 pm 」 » Comments:




(1) comments