Ever learning. Always failing. Forever weak. Yet eternally saved. From a price to pay. Which I could and can not afford. Learning to live life. Learning to love life. Growing into shoes larger than my own. Finding meaning in Your name. Love and peace.
I don't really know when it started, but I've been filled with an inexplicable sorrow recently. I sat on the bus, and my life didn't really amount to anything. It took a while to sink in. When it did, I was left completely hollow. On the verge of constructing an archetypal emo account, I had lost meaning in everything. With these broken pieces of who I am, or was, anyway...I hadn't a clue what to do. Where to go. Independance was a chore and I had lost all of that positive jazz. It was a moment of perfect clarity...that I wasn't really myself. That I had no life goal, or any place to go to. That I wasn't really sure when it would end, or where I should begin.
And I still don't.
I wanted to shut my eyes everytime they opened. The perfect blink...your eyes HAVE to open...yet, I force them to close...and in tandum, I plod on. Everytime I open my eyes, one thing I'm reminded of is that Mum isn't around. And it hits ever harder, sinking deeper and deeper, where despair just sinks in and I crumple to my knees in a mess of guilt, grief and goodness-knows-what-else. Every time I smile, or I see my brother and his greasy hair, or the way my sister shouts at my Dad for wearing things like he's fresh off the boat everytime we want to go out...I realise that we're compromising. We've moved on. We've chipped a piece off of ourselves and mixed it into the pool of rememberance...trying to piece Mum up from the little bits we offer.
But it's no good. I feel like breaking. I miss her so much, my hair will bleed all its life out and I turn ash white from this mental trauma I put myself through. That salvation, fellowship, ministry and all that jazz, it's interwoven with her...and that life is so, much harder now.
As I turn the corner, I realize, I'm so, so weary...that I understand why our hearts sink and we lose spirit as we plod on. That joy manifests in different ways...
That when I hug, share the laughter, kick the ball or strum the guitar, that's when I miss you. These agony pangs pop up and knock on my door oh so often, chipping away at me, just when I thought I was ok.
I'm seriously considering what I'm going to write here and whether it'll edify ANYONE...haha. But yeah, this blog is selfish in nature, since it's predominantly about me me me.
Macho, Macho man. I want to be a Macho man...
What is the origin of "Macho"?
ma·chis·mo(mä-chzm)n.
1. A strong or exaggerated sense of masculinity stressing attributes such as physical courage, virility, domination of women, and aggressiveness.
2. An exaggerated sense of strength or toughness:
I used to struggle with that when I was younger, as I grew up in an all boy's school. What they valued weren't integrity, faithfulness, patience or appreciation. Who beat the stuffing out of who, who was faster, or could kick a ball harder and even who could goad the teachers into a provoked frustrated reaction; they were characteristics of being a proper bloke (as said in the Mancunian accent!)
And I never found any of that. I could only identify with football, because I got an adrenaline rush everytime I felt the grass crunch under my feet, or the sweet taste of leather making clean contact with the ball.
I grew up trying to be a proper "man". These romantics ideals of the true "man" having an 8 pack, incredible at everything, possessing smashing good looks, 6'2'' and never wavering under pressure or stress of life, circumstance or danger. They were imposed on my fragile mind by media, friends from Church and school.
And even now, I still fail to meet these expectations, by a long shot. I cry when there is hope. My legs crumple when there is restoration of love, or when I hear someone's morals caused them to act. Sacrifice. I tear myself in half when I hear that there was someone I could have helped, in any way.
But the Lord is so gracious...because it never says in the bible "Thou shalt have 40 inch biceps and be able to take years of pain, in order to meet the requirements of being a TRUE man. I am the Lord and I have spoken."
He's never said that...but, God DOES call us to be MEN of God...and MEN of God DO make the tough choices. They DO have to swallow their PRIDE and get hurt along the process, physically and emotionally. We DO have to sacrifice a lot. But what blesses me is that even I...the pathetic, temperamental, little guy like myself, can be a man of God. And I don't need to grow taller, or be really strong.
What are the qualities of being a true man of God? Thankfully, being fully open with my emotions and feelings. There is a difference between GIVING INTO my emotions, but I can be honest with the Lord and tell Him "God...can't you see I'm crying? I'm in so much pain, right now..."
It breaks my heart...but I felt so lonely in Student Fellowship today. I was so drained, and I couldn't really connect with the Spirit when everyone was praying. I played guitar, whilst Joanne was on the piano. There was a time of intercession, when the Spirit convicted and moved amongst everyone...People were overwhelmed by joy and hope and were bawling everywhere. Then they made a circle and prayed together, for each other. But I felt alienated...they were praying that people would be called into leadership and strive to push God's kingdom there. But I didn't hear anything from Him...I just stood there, strumming, wondering what my part in Student Fellowship is. Maybe the Lord doesn't want me to serve there for now...
Leadership has been given to me, according to Rachel...But Lord...it's such a lonely path. 2 Corinthians 12:8-9 -
Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me.
So please see me for who I am. I'm so lonely and I'm a broken individual that can't do anything by himself...cause he's tried and tore a knee ligament along the way...I'm just a weakling who's been picked to carry His blessings. I boast that I am fragile, emotional, "girly", sensitive, an outcast of 6:13 and student fellowship, have a small friend network and no social life, cannot dance, over enthusiastic. I confess I am all of these, because it is only through Christ that I am of any use...
Just that being a leader is so lonely...no matter HOW much you ask someone about something you're troubled with, the best non-verbal teacher is experience. It'll mould you into who you will be from who you were and what you did.
Being a youth leader gets so hard. Because I WANT to do more...and even if I have drive and energy to do things, it doesn't mean I'll neccessarily get it done well, or as the Lord wants me to get done...
Insecurity sets in like a perpetually increasing anchor in the heart and mind. I'm still asking..."what am I supposed to do? What is my role?" So I will pray hard. Because I don't think I'm contributing anything at all to the group, either the core group, the actual Sunday youth group or the youth worship team, which is who I'm in charge in.Like today. I wanted to share with them something that inspired me about worship, about WHY I am worshipping. I tried to share about Mark 12:41, the widow's offering of a few measly copper coins. Although it was not worth much, she still gave all she had. And in the meantime I shared that, people had nothing to say; someone was looking at the ceiling lights and turned with a disinterested "huh?" when I called his name. Maybe it's because it's a Sunday and fatigue sets in from a long day. Maybe because it's kinda cold. Maybe half term ended and they're thinking of what to do next. But I don't think they care anymore. Or maybe I'm just not doing my job properly.
What do I know, anyway? I don't feel very valued right now. Maybe it's time for me to move on in life? I doubt I'll add much elsewhere *anyway*, psch.
Sometimes it feels like the burden is mine alone to carry. Maybe it is, for now...I don't know what the Lord has in store for me. In a rare, objective reflection on myself, I realized I don't let go of things very easily...and I still expect big things, either of the outcome, or impact. For example, worship. I haven't experienced a miraculous, impossible healing of cancer or the lame, deaf and dumb. It gets sometimes slightly scary, when I think "Am I being led by the Spirit? Or have I just chosen songs to facilitate this and just playing?" Although I know that it's not up to ME and about ME when I worship lead, I have an increasing worry that I do not lead by the Spirit, or properly anyways. Which means listening out to the instructions, like "No. Sing this song. Someone needs prayer" or "Just be silent or strum quietly. It's time for reflection". Indeed, I do believe I lack a lot of things. Trust is definitely up there, in the top ten "biggest doubts in my life between me and God". Even little things, like letting go of a girl I fancy, or deciding whether or not I go on a trip somewhere. I doubt a lot, in that sense. It's pathetic, though; my own strength is so weak, that it's embarrassing to be called a "man".
Leader. The word will forever haunt me, because I will look back and realize how stupid, useless and distrusting I am now.
So, a while has settled before I touch this blog. What has happened?
Tuesday, me, Daniel, Mel and her best mate from college went to see Journey To The West. She's called Romana. I haven't seen her in years. I don't mean two or three; I can recall vividly slapping her when she was visiting Mel at our house when I was eight. Beyond that, I can't recollect any other meetings. Her first reaction when she saw me and realized who I am, was "Oh my GOD!! You've grown up!!!" And hand to her mouth in astonishment and the like. It was strange seeing people from the past... Made me think, "what about the people I went to school with? What will they think of me now? Would they use the same adjectives and descriptions? Will I be completely foreign when held against who they knew a few years ago?" But I digress. The play was so funny...really brought the antagonistic nature of Monkey out, but conveyed the relationships and unity of the group through all their little trials. The colour was awesome; the blends, the contrast, the subtle implications of what may happen. The Chinese producers seem to be showing an innovative streak when it comes to colour co-ordination, as shown through those big epic films like Crouching Tiger Hidden Dragon, or House of Flying Daggers. My main critique, which was agreed upon by Mel and her mate Romana, was that the subtitles were a bit random...everything was in mandarin and subtitles were being shown at the foot of the stage. However...they popped up sporadically, all in white as well, so it was difficult to piece together who was saying what to who and it was just a whole lot of confusion! If they had that sorted, I think it would have fetched them a lot more laughs, whilst catering the audience's understanding a whole lot better! haha. monkey noises...ooh ooh!
I went to the Eden conference, about Urban missions! Basically, helping out in the community! The reason behind MY attendance is because Matt Coulson thought up of what to do with 6:13, to help them grow as a unit and spiritually, whilst contributing towards church's vision of expanding in the community. As such, he composed a mini-project for 6:13, labeling it "Action Wednesdays". Since it's on a Wednesday, it'll probably be during day hours, like, 9-5? But the majority of the leader team are working...I emphasize on *majority* because I'm the only one available. So, I personally feel Matt has just dumped something that was his passion, onto my shoulders. At first, as cynical and indifferent as possible, I just said "yes Matt. Whatever you say. I'll do it because I don't have a choice and you'll probably be annoyed with me if I don't." Nothing really happened; I have to go with Uncle Kim and Shermaine on one of their visits to the neighbourhood to introduce myself to the people whose houses we will invade - I mean, renovate, according to their needs! Karen invited me to this conference held in Manchester, by the people in charge of the Eden project! People from all over the country gathered; Sheffield, Leeds, Birmingham, Scotland. The furthest was Germany!! How insane!!
I was totally humbled by this whole thing. People were sharing about what to do once they've moved into an estate, how they could help, tension between teams and other leaders and how to resolve this. The visions, aims and size of the projects were really massive...I felt so out of my league! These people were seeing youth around them saved, after investing years of their lives into the youth and discipling, monitoring and encouraging them! Stories shared were from extremity to extremity...like, people being shot with BB guns whilst trying to worship in the congregation, windows being smashed regularly, just blemishing these genuine people's lives with malevolence and intention to make their lives hell, for moving on these estates. I was really inspired by it all...although I don't have such a project in my hands, I aim to make sure we can bless the community around us with our joy and unassuming work for them! It took a while, but I've realized that...maybe this is what God wants me to be doing over the summer? haha...things fall in place in really odd bits!
I guess here's the serious, personal stuff now. After a lot of thinking after going to Liverpool for Katie Lang's birthday, I realised...I need to step up a gear. I was just thinking, after some of the events and some of my actions, that I am now a youth leader. I'm not sure if my conduct and demeanor reflects that at all...there were many times when I wasn't being fully responsible and didn't thoroughly appraise the consequences of my actions. Yes, it's not youth group and we can all have fun. But yes, we are living as salt and light in a dark world and we're all set out to be leaders. I have to start..."upgrading". In that sense, I refer to myself not being someone I am not...otherwise, Vinny K and the team wouldn't have agreed to allow me onto the leader team. They think I am capable of being a youth group leader; namely, being aware of my actions, being able to make a clear distinction between what's right and wrong, set an example through faith and action and being "mature". They have clear belief in this, after seeing me grow and develop as a person and spiritually. But what is mature? Chester gave me a good definition, with regards to conduct - "The distinction between having fun and being serious". But, at this moment in time, I feel like I'm not engaging with this level of maturity properly...and I know I have to step up. But it doesn't mean being someone who I'm not, because I've displayed "sides" of me which convey *some* depth of intelligence and sensitivity. I'm just lost...how far do I have to go?
Another sort of serious issue that I've recognized and confronted is one that's interlinked with the above issue of maturity and responsibility. I was at Sean's christening for his sons today...and I met many people. One of whom is Sean's close friend. He amusedly remarked how he has seen different "sides" to me. Moreover, I was joking with Sean's grandmother. She sparked up a superficial debate in jest, that you needed to have a degree to use the chocolate fountain (sweet isn't she?) I just played along and giggled with her...yet when she brought it up in the kitchen, once again, all in good humour, Sean took it differently and thought I called her plain dumb. What hurts isn't the fact that he thought I would have done something like that; do I really portray so many aspects of my personality, that are so far from each other, that I seem like there are a few persona I adopt around different people? What I mean is...does Sean think that I am two faced and so shallow, that I pretend to be someone else when I'm with him, then do what I like in the background? I work hard on keeping my integrity grounded and unwavering. Yet, he is so uncertain about my "humour" that he knows when I'm kidding with him, yet when with other people, he must be thinking that I'm such a prick for being so...frivolous, flaring and outrageous comments and allowing a demeaning attitude towards everyone else overcome me. As God's child...surely...shouldn't I be just as one person? Yeah we make mistakes. But I'm torn that people think I act differently around other people. It's true to an extent. Everyone does. But my integrity, honesty, manners and care for others should be equivalent and spread in the same, abstract quantity across everyone I meet, so upon comparison, there is no doubt about *that* aspect of my character. But I don't think this is the case...
A whole year. From September till now. That's it. I'm now a more experienced university student and I know how it all works; making friends, maintaining those friendships, attendance for lectures and tutorials, amount of dedication for work, extracurricular activities. On top of all that, I was increasingly involved in church; mainly the worship side of things. Also, I've slowly been building myself up to become a youth group leader. Come September, I shall hold the title. But that's all it is. One thing I have deduced from the label of YG leader is that they all have a passion for the youth and helping them come to know the Lord; the label doesn't reflect any of the individual's knowledge, experience, or walk with God, though. It does reflect determination and the will to be better.
My friend has gone back to Brunei. It's a real pity that he's gone. Only started to get to know him over the past half year. The other half, I was struggling and swiping in mid air for comfort and joy. In retrospect, I'm not sure how else we would have/could have spent the time together. I think...that I don't regret anything we did in the past. Everything done, was to strengthen the friendship, consciously or unwittingly. He's gone now. It's time to move on, I guess. I'm *so* not used to this whole idea of people coming and going in life. Emotional attachment sucks.
A whole year...It was only yesterday I felt that pain smolder; the itch beyond cure. It was only yesterday I was still questioning and wondering where I was, why I was and what to do. It was only yesterday I was 18 and was slightly drunk. It's flown by. What have I learnt? Not enough.
Sunday, January 25, 2009
z
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)n.
him over the past half year. The other half, I was struggling and swiping in mid air for comfort and joy. In retrospect, I'm not sure how else we would have/could have spent the time together. I think...that I don't regret anything we did in the past. Everything done, was to strengthen the friendship, consciously or unwittingly. He's gone now. It's time to move on, I guess. I'm *so* not used to this whole idea of people coming and going in life. Emotional attachment sucks.
「€Œ 3:21 pm 」 » 
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