Ever learning. Always failing. Forever weak. Yet eternally saved. From a price to pay. Which I could and can not afford. Learning to live life. Learning to love life. Growing into shoes larger than my own. Finding meaning in Your name. Love and peace.
Just that being a leader is so lonely...no matter HOW much you ask someone about something you're troubled with, the best non-verbal teacher is experience. It'll mould you into who you will be from who you were and what you did.
Being a youth leader gets so hard. Because I WANT to do more...and even if I have drive and energy to do things, it doesn't mean I'll neccessarily get it done well, or as the Lord wants me to get done...
Insecurity sets in like a perpetually increasing anchor in the heart and mind. I'm still asking..."what am I supposed to do? What is my role?" So I will pray hard. Because I don't think I'm contributing anything at all to the group, either the core group, the actual Sunday youth group or the youth worship team, which is who I'm in charge in.Like today. I wanted to share with them something that inspired me about worship, about WHY I am worshipping. I tried to share about Mark 12:41, the widow's offering of a few measly copper coins. Although it was not worth much, she still gave all she had. And in the meantime I shared that, people had nothing to say; someone was looking at the ceiling lights and turned with a disinterested "huh?" when I called his name. Maybe it's because it's a Sunday and fatigue sets in from a long day. Maybe because it's kinda cold. Maybe half term ended and they're thinking of what to do next. But I don't think they care anymore. Or maybe I'm just not doing my job properly.
What do I know, anyway? I don't feel very valued right now. Maybe it's time for me to move on in life? I doubt I'll add much elsewhere *anyway*, psch.
Sometimes it feels like the burden is mine alone to carry. Maybe it is, for now...I don't know what the Lord has in store for me. In a rare, objective reflection on myself, I realized I don't let go of things very easily...and I still expect big things, either of the outcome, or impact. For example, worship. I haven't experienced a miraculous, impossible healing of cancer or the lame, deaf and dumb. It gets sometimes slightly scary, when I think "Am I being led by the Spirit? Or have I just chosen songs to facilitate this and just playing?" Although I know that it's not up to ME and about ME when I worship lead, I have an increasing worry that I do not lead by the Spirit, or properly anyways. Which means listening out to the instructions, like "No. Sing this song. Someone needs prayer" or "Just be silent or strum quietly. It's time for reflection". Indeed, I do believe I lack a lot of things. Trust is definitely up there, in the top ten "biggest doubts in my life between me and God". Even little things, like letting go of a girl I fancy, or deciding whether or not I go on a trip somewhere. I doubt a lot, in that sense. It's pathetic, though; my own strength is so weak, that it's embarrassing to be called a "man".
Leader. The word will forever haunt me, because I will look back and realize how stupid, useless and distrusting I am now.
Monday, February 18, 2008
「€Œ 12:56 am 」 » 
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