Ever learning. Always failing. Forever weak. Yet eternally saved. From a price to pay. Which I could and can not afford. Learning to live life. Learning to love life. Growing into shoes larger than my own. Finding meaning in Your name. Love and peace.
I'm seriously considering what I'm going to write here and whether it'll edify ANYONE...haha. But yeah, this blog is selfish in nature, since it's predominantly about me me me.
Macho, Macho man. I want to be a Macho man...
What is the origin of "Macho"?
ma·chis·mo(mä-chzm)n.
1. A strong or exaggerated sense of masculinity stressing attributes such as physical courage, virility, domination of women, and aggressiveness.
2. An exaggerated sense of strength or toughness:
I used to struggle with that when I was younger, as I grew up in an all boy's school. What they valued weren't integrity, faithfulness, patience or appreciation. Who beat the stuffing out of who, who was faster, or could kick a ball harder and even who could goad the teachers into a provoked frustrated reaction; they were characteristics of being a proper bloke (as said in the Mancunian accent!)
And I never found any of that. I could only identify with football, because I got an adrenaline rush everytime I felt the grass crunch under my feet, or the sweet taste of leather making clean contact with the ball.
I grew up trying to be a proper "man". These romantics ideals of the true "man" having an 8 pack, incredible at everything, possessing smashing good looks, 6'2'' and never wavering under pressure or stress of life, circumstance or danger. They were imposed on my fragile mind by media, friends from Church and school.
And even now, I still fail to meet these expectations, by a long shot. I cry when there is hope. My legs crumple when there is restoration of love, or when I hear someone's morals caused them to act. Sacrifice. I tear myself in half when I hear that there was someone I could have helped, in any way.
But the Lord is so gracious...because it never says in the bible "Thou shalt have 40 inch biceps and be able to take years of pain, in order to meet the requirements of being a TRUE man. I am the Lord and I have spoken."
He's never said that...but, God DOES call us to be MEN of God...and MEN of God DO make the tough choices. They DO have to swallow their PRIDE and get hurt along the process, physically and emotionally. We DO have to sacrifice a lot. But what blesses me is that even I...the pathetic, temperamental, little guy like myself, can be a man of God. And I don't need to grow taller, or be really strong.
What are the qualities of being a true man of God? Thankfully, being fully open with my emotions and feelings. There is a difference between GIVING INTO my emotions, but I can be honest with the Lord and tell Him "God...can't you see I'm crying? I'm in so much pain, right now..."
It breaks my heart...but I felt so lonely in Student Fellowship today. I was so drained, and I couldn't really connect with the Spirit when everyone was praying. I played guitar, whilst Joanne was on the piano. There was a time of intercession, when the Spirit convicted and moved amongst everyone...People were overwhelmed by joy and hope and were bawling everywhere. Then they made a circle and prayed together, for each other. But I felt alienated...they were praying that people would be called into leadership and strive to push God's kingdom there. But I didn't hear anything from Him...I just stood there, strumming, wondering what my part in Student Fellowship is. Maybe the Lord doesn't want me to serve there for now...
Leadership has been given to me, according to Rachel...But Lord...it's such a lonely path. 2 Corinthians 12:8-9 -
Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me.
So please see me for who I am. I'm so lonely and I'm a broken individual that can't do anything by himself...cause he's tried and tore a knee ligament along the way...I'm just a weakling who's been picked to carry His blessings. I boast that I am fragile, emotional, "girly", sensitive, an outcast of 6:13 and student fellowship, have a small friend network and no social life, cannot dance, over enthusiastic. I confess I am all of these, because it is only through Christ that I am of any use...
What's happened since Dad's scare incident? A few things...
God has been touching my heart these past few days. In random moments, I feel so moved by Him...a few times is when I'm just listening to some music...and when I hear Jesus' name, there is no other reaction but a spontaneous combustion of joy, pain and hope when I realize that He's a Saviour who did not deserve death. God has moved immeasurably in me...
Something that spoke to me in a quiet time was Mark 16: 4-5
But when they looked up, they saw that the stone, which was very large, had been rolled away. As they entered the tomb, they saw a young man dressed in a white robe sitting on the right side, and they were alarmed.
I get the image from The Passion Of The Christ, at the very end of the movie. He's sat on a rock, naked, with none of the bandages around Him...Jesus rose, and was waiting for the boulder to be moved. Total victory, at that very moment.
"Cause the enemy has been defeated, death couldn't hold you down. We're gonna lift our voice in victory, we're gonna make Your praises loud."
Every time God moved in me, I just broken down crying. It's the hardest thing to cover up crying when you're on a bus, you know?? But it's all good.
On Saturday night, I saw a play that my housemate's fellowship group composed, called "Manchester Story". It's a play that has stories of different people, whose lives are broken by rape, molestation, drug addiction, gang warfare, homosexuality...these stories were interwoven, but it centered around a girl's life who has had a turbulent upbringing. The point of the story was to convey that many people in Manchester, as well as other areas, live these lives in reality. We saw how God played a part in this...and the girl and her mother were saved, at the end, by God's grace and provision, in the form of the right people in contact with the main characters.
There was an altar call, where the Pastor was moving with the Spirit. 40+ were saved that night. I felt God move as I sat down in my seat, waiting for the play to get under way...That was such an awesome night.
Something that has been really stirring within me...just what am I doing for the Lord? And am I doing it right? The preacher on Sunday explained about Matthew 5:38-48...that's right, the passage about "slap, then turn your other cheek". How as christians, we can just turn the other cheek and bear it, because we have Jesus. It doesn't say be happy about it, but know that we can bear it, because we have Jesus. That told me that...no matter what's happening, if I have the Lord, I can bear it. However...it didn't completely remove the doubt. What am I doing in 6:13? It just seems that my "counseling", if my pathetic attempts can be called that, aren't what the Lord wants. It's not aligned with His will...But I got an email today. It's from the MEC (Midlands Easter Conference) prayer team, giving me the prayer points that we shall start praying for as a team. A verse that was knocked down was this:
"So, my dear brothers and sisters, be strong and immovable. Always work enthusiastically for the Lord, for you know that nothing you do for the Lord is ever useless."1 Corinthians 15:58.
That spoke wonders to me...That no matter what I did...as long as its for the Lord...then I can hang safely in the knowledge that, because I am equipped with the right knowledge and training, my efforts aren't in vain.
As a man...I've discovered something I know what the Lord wants for me. He wants me to become a man...a man of GOD. Not just a buff, 230 pound monster that's ripped and cares about nothing, but to care for each other...to convey love as stated scripturally...to be firm on my standards and be self controlled...to listen to His will and stay faithful to Him, day after day. It's such a blessing to do that...
And with that in mind, it looks like I have direction in my life.
Something I'm trying to bear at the moment...is my utter loneliness...I'm praying that God would provide me some friends...because unfortunately, I don't really have any friends that I can just chill with. My housemates are busy a lot of the time/I clash with them and piss them off a lot. I don't know anyone in uni except people on my course and everyone has their own niche. Even If I am friends with the youth, I have to be a mentor and role model to them. Something you could pray about...is that I would learn to rely on people more...because I'm fighting a heavy war like everyone else is...but I'm always low on ammunition...But Lord, I'm desperately hanging onto you...I'm going to cling to you, even if I'm going to have little moral support over the next few years, or the rest of my life. Even if I stay celibate and single till the end of my days. Even when I lose strength in my body to move forward...Father, I'm going to stick close to You.
Freedom from sin. Let me live in that freedom with my devotion.
Friday, April 04, 2008
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