Ever learning. Always failing. Forever weak. Yet eternally saved. From a price to pay. Which I could and can not afford. Learning to live life. Learning to love life. Growing into shoes larger than my own. Finding meaning in Your name. Love and peace.
I'm seriously considering what I'm going to write here and whether it'll edify ANYONE...haha. But yeah, this blog is selfish in nature, since it's predominantly about me me me.
Macho, Macho man. I want to be a Macho man...
What is the origin of "Macho"?
ma·chis·mo(mä-chzm)n.
1. A strong or exaggerated sense of masculinity stressing attributes such as physical courage, virility, domination of women, and aggressiveness.
2. An exaggerated sense of strength or toughness:
I used to struggle with that when I was younger, as I grew up in an all boy's school. What they valued weren't integrity, faithfulness, patience or appreciation. Who beat the stuffing out of who, who was faster, or could kick a ball harder and even who could goad the teachers into a provoked frustrated reaction; they were characteristics of being a proper bloke (as said in the Mancunian accent!)
And I never found any of that. I could only identify with football, because I got an adrenaline rush everytime I felt the grass crunch under my feet, or the sweet taste of leather making clean contact with the ball.
I grew up trying to be a proper "man". These romantics ideals of the true "man" having an 8 pack, incredible at everything, possessing smashing good looks, 6'2'' and never wavering under pressure or stress of life, circumstance or danger. They were imposed on my fragile mind by media, friends from Church and school.
And even now, I still fail to meet these expectations, by a long shot. I cry when there is hope. My legs crumple when there is restoration of love, or when I hear someone's morals caused them to act. Sacrifice. I tear myself in half when I hear that there was someone I could have helped, in any way.
But the Lord is so gracious...because it never says in the bible "Thou shalt have 40 inch biceps and be able to take years of pain, in order to meet the requirements of being a TRUE man. I am the Lord and I have spoken."
He's never said that...but, God DOES call us to be MEN of God...and MEN of God DO make the tough choices. They DO have to swallow their PRIDE and get hurt along the process, physically and emotionally. We DO have to sacrifice a lot. But what blesses me is that even I...the pathetic, temperamental, little guy like myself, can be a man of God. And I don't need to grow taller, or be really strong.
What are the qualities of being a true man of God? Thankfully, being fully open with my emotions and feelings. There is a difference between GIVING INTO my emotions, but I can be honest with the Lord and tell Him "God...can't you see I'm crying? I'm in so much pain, right now..."
It breaks my heart...but I felt so lonely in Student Fellowship today. I was so drained, and I couldn't really connect with the Spirit when everyone was praying. I played guitar, whilst Joanne was on the piano. There was a time of intercession, when the Spirit convicted and moved amongst everyone...People were overwhelmed by joy and hope and were bawling everywhere. Then they made a circle and prayed together, for each other. But I felt alienated...they were praying that people would be called into leadership and strive to push God's kingdom there. But I didn't hear anything from Him...I just stood there, strumming, wondering what my part in Student Fellowship is. Maybe the Lord doesn't want me to serve there for now...
Leadership has been given to me, according to Rachel...But Lord...it's such a lonely path. 2 Corinthians 12:8-9 -
Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me.
So please see me for who I am. I'm so lonely and I'm a broken individual that can't do anything by himself...cause he's tried and tore a knee ligament along the way...I'm just a weakling who's been picked to carry His blessings. I boast that I am fragile, emotional, "girly", sensitive, an outcast of 6:13 and student fellowship, have a small friend network and no social life, cannot dance, over enthusiastic. I confess I am all of these, because it is only through Christ that I am of any use...
Friday, April 04, 2008
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