V - the story of: December 2006
Wednesday, December 27, 2006

« I won't back down - he didn't die for nothing »

here we are again

christmas has passed. it wasn't a particularly fun time of year. i'm sure we've all had enough time to ourselves to just reflect, wallow in negative feelings and the like. however, everyone has their circumstances, so everyone has some justification story on their feelings. i don't judge, cause i've just been through it as well...

the past week few weeks haven't been great. i had 2 nights with virtually no sleep, and a wet pillow. i had a week of degradation and being plunged into a world of overwhelming guilt. it was all about the me me me, and not much of them.

let's be over dramatic. how did it feel? it felt like fire again - being brought to a new threshold each time there was silence to be filled, then a new horde of feelings and memories came back. the song selection on my mp3 didn't help much. i couldn't justify myself anymore. i was contemptible, unworthy of existence, inexcusable, disgraceful - every cliche you could think of. i couldn't think of why i could live. i couldn't love when i had the chance, so why am i being offered a second chance? i couldn't see it as "why can't i be there with her either?" - although many nights concluded in me thinking of which would be the goriest way to leave this world, and probably end up going into hell.

i was groping around in the dark again, hoping for my family to recover from their loss of senses and direction. i'm not sure what my brother or sister feels, but i have only one parent now. i don't know if they appreciate them enough, but i don't.

i felt pain again, deep inside, the type of pain which cripples you mercilessly and leaves you begging for escape, but you can't find it.

and now it's gone. christmas was here. it took a while...and a LOT of support (thanks to Tomps, Ricky, Jamie and Helen!!!!!!!), but here I am. i wouldn't say i'm fully emotionally stable, but i'm alright to go out into the big wide world again.

christmas was here. it was supposed to be a time where things took a change for the good in my family. i was trying my best to be thoughtful, but it doesn't look very hopeful...there hasn't been much of a change in attitude. but - romans 12:12 says "be joyful in HOPE, patient in affliction, FAITHFUL IN PRAYER". it doesn't happen overnight. let's let God do his shiz...

it took a while, but i realised. matthew 1:21 "you are to give him (the baby) the name Jesus, because!!!! he will save his people from their sins". that's what's christmas is about. it took a while, but i realised, i have a saviour. jars of clay said "he didn't die for nothing" - so don't discard his death as trivial or something that doesn't, or couldn't apply to you. JC brought us salvation.

it took a while, but i moved away from my pain. how and why? i realised...that God works in so many ways. after giving thanks to God, even when i knew i wasn't in the state to, God rewarded me and Tomps after singing a few worship songs and prayer with knowledge...that we should just be still, and know that he is God. s'all good.

the other day, i was reading job. it was chapter 24-29. basically, job was slating God's judgement for letting the wicked go unpunished and the righteous are usually left the ones aching and in pain. the devotion material said "why do bad things happen to good people?" that's the same thing my sister said....it took a while. but i remembered a scripture - 1 corinthians 10:13 - "and God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. but when that times comes, he will offer you a way out, so that you can stand up under it". i thought...ok? and? but then, if god gives us stuff which he knows we can handle, it made me look at job. why was job crying and persecuting god as his enemy, when God thought he was the ONLY person in his generation who could handle the shiz that was thrown at him? the next day, i read a bit more - chapters 30-34. it was job crying some more, then elihu, the youngest of job's friends, tried to show his wisdom. it wasn't any different to the previous shiz, just some more anger and "you have sinned dumbass, just repent". however, what took my attention by the collar, was chapter 32, when it said that elihu spoke because he was angry that Job ONLY justified HIMSELF but not God? doesn't make sense when you look at it, right? i guess we can empathise here; when we're suffering, we don't particularly feel like seeing the other side of the story. whether it's because we know we'll be wrong, or because we're just myopic and are lost for direction, we just don't most of the time! however, God lets Job suffer, cause God gave Job a righteousness which is perfect in god's eyes; he knows that Job will be able to handle it. i guess that Job was to be an example to the rest. although he didn't fulfil God's wishes in terms of constant praise, he still never cursed God. for that, God blessed him like sand on a beach. i had to stop and think...God never lets anyone undergo something they can't handle, right?

me...so, losing a loved one...can i handle it? under God's law, apparently so...ok...but why? why did he do it, if he knows i can anyway? haha i don't know...i actually don't know why he's done it. but i know, that he has because the plan is perfect. look at Job; he ended up living another 100 years and had lots of blessings. i don't (and can't if i tried to) need to justify God, cause i do not have wisdom. everything i have is from him, so it's his rightfully anyhoo.

after an act of miraculous divine intervention as far as my music is concerned, i was exposed to some christian lyrics. "he didn't die for nothing" - liquid, by jars of clay. it hit me hard. he didn't. the reason why JC was born, as i recall from lots of talks, is because he's a sacrifice made just for us. it links in, wait for it, the best bit.....as Job is the only one who could handle the suffering then, JC was the ONLY one who could die for our sins. why? because he was perfect...my mind wouldn't stop sprinting away with that train of thought and carried on to say that JC didn't just come down to earth, chill out, have a bud and smoke some weed before he was hung on the cross; he taught everyone how to BE perfect under God's eyes, rather than let his life waste away. What Would Jesus Do? he wouldn't waste away, like me, in the bed, thinking my life away.

so, change of direction. i picked up my bible, my head and my heart and started to move forward again. i don't believe in JC because he was black, afro carribbean, was born on 04.01.00 at 11:52pm, or because he had long hair. i believe in JC

FOR WHAT HE DID ON THE CROSS

because no one else could have done it. he easily coulda just sit back with God, looked down at us through his ultra high spec HD TV and said "bah, we can always make another race" - instead, he chose to fulfil his role as our Saviour, and shed that perfect blood, because we are so stupid that we couldn't see perfection, even though it walked in front of us. just like "you wouldn't know beauty if it hit you in the face" - trust me. that history is as real as WW2, or Princess Diana crashing, or U2 releasing all those songs. it's real all right. i put on the helmet of salvation(Eph 6:17), and Satan couldn't do anything except claw away at the shiny surface that JC made.

now what?

i have a role to fulfil. what is it? i don't really know...but the first step is to say sorry God and to the people around me. the next step is to say thank you God, and to the people around me. the last step is to say, I love you God, and to the people around me.

at the moment...the most accessible thing is the worship team...i should really go and say sorry to that funny bunch. the next...is to carry on being that child of light.

uni. it'll either make or break you.
V

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「€Œ 3:50 am 」 » Comments:




Tuesday, December 19, 2006

« That time of year... »



It's christmas time. that time of year again.

like i said before, now is the only oportunity i've had to sit down and be quiet with myself'; i heard the grumblings of my heart and have seen what's going on inside the cracks of my head. don't want to be over dramatic...but it's just not pretty.

this year is obviously the first for everything in the absense of her...in the past 2 nights, my sleep has been continually interrupted with haunting images of just everything that's happend in the past few years. my arms and face went numb after breaking down some...might be the rabies.

i'm not sure why, but it's all just negative stuff. ironically, i'm trying to test out my psychology knowledge on myself, hoping to diagnose myself with a problem that'll explain my unusual behaviour.

Depression - DSM IV Criteria
Major Depressive Episode-
A. 5+ of the following nearly every day for a 2 week period; must include one of (1) or (2).
(1) depressed mood
(2) loss of interest or pleasure
Depression - DSM IV Criteria
(3) significant change in weight / appetite
(4) insomnia / hypersomnia
(5) psychomotor agitation / retardation
(6) fatigue / loss of energy
(7) feeling worthless / excessive guilt
(8) indecisiveness / inability to think or concentrate
(9) recurrent suicidal ideation / specific plan

Currently, i'm experiencing about...7 of those symptoms. i've been going through that for 2 days now. another 12 to go and i can say i'm actually depressed...somewhat an incongruous way to apply my knowledge, but should be fun.

just moments at the funeral, knowing her last words, knowing what i haven't said, knowing what i HAVE said, what i haven't done. it just haunts me doggedly...because looking this past year, i'm not sure if i have followed any of her instructions. my siblings aren't any closer to God...and i feel absolutely helpless at the moment. all the telephone conversations we had, how brief they were and surprisingly, how hard it was to express what i felt to the woman who taught me how to express.

after talking to ricky last night...i learnt that i haven't forgiven myself. it's easy to forgive someone else...but if you were in my shoes and saw the same slideshow of affliction, you'd know how i am feeling. Pastor Kim said to me on that day, that it will be difficult...but he tried to remember the good points about his father and how they will be carried with him into heaven. it's just a broken record, rolling through the same sounds and feelings though...i hope i pass my course in january. the exams are a pain...

after some thought...i took ricky's advice into consideration. obviously she wouldn't want to see me sad...but i want her to see my vulnerability and how at the moment, i am not coping without her presence in my life. maybe this is my illustration of love? he said this is probably God's test to see how strong my faith is...but i'm really broken at the moment.

if anyone has seen the anime "Berserk", i am finding some inspiration from that. the protagonist survived 2 eclipses...through sheer determination and the will to live. he lost his eye and his arm in the process, but he realised that what he lost were things he truly loved, deep down in his callous and rugged heart. he fought to keep everything else he loved in the world. i feel the same, somewhat. the lyrics from tom petty's "i won't back down" epitomizes this -

Well I wont back down, no I won't back down
You can stand me up at the gates of hell
But I won't back down

Gonna stand my ground, won't be turned around
And Ill keep this world from draggin me down
Gonna stand my ground and I wont back down

Hey baby, there aint no easy way out
Hey I will stand my ground
And I wont back down.

i guess this is satan's attack; his subtle manipulation of using mortal weaknesses against us, using us as puppets to influence everyone around people we care for. already, i've made the harsh decision to leave the worship team for now...sorry for letting you guys down. my head's just hurting and i'm in no state to worship God. there is always a time to praise God...but i've not made/found that time. JC's sacrifice still amazes me though...just the mercy and love conveyed through the lyrics in How Deep:-

How deep the Father's love for us,
how vast beyond all measure,
that He should give His only Son
to make a wretch His treasure.
How great the pain of searing loss:
the Father turns His face away,
as wounds which mar the chosen one
bring many sons to glory.

Behold the man upon a cross,
my sin upon His shoulders,
ashamed I hear my mocking voice
call out among the scoffers.
It was my sin that held Him there
until it was accomplished,
his dying breath has brought me life
I know that it is finished.

I will not boast in anything,
no gifts, no power, no wisdom,
but I will boast in Jesus Christ,
his death and resurrection.
Why should I gain from His reward?
I cannot give an answer,
but this I know with all my heart,
His wounds have paid my ransom.

there's a lot of pain in this little post...i don't expect anyone to understand. but i reiterate - it's the first time in a long time that i've been by myself, in my own company. i guess this is where i really need God...it's the third night. let's hope it's not a repeat of the previous two.

uni. it'll either make you or break you.

「€Œ 4:42 pm 」 » Comments:




Wednesday, December 13, 2006

« Down in the dumps...again »

it's been a few weeks since i touched this. God has really blessed me with a youth group worship band, which has so much talent in so many areas...just need to play with the holy spirit leading us =). I got suki...nothing in the end lol, cause i didn't know what to buy. she just bought something afterwards and i paid for it. easy. for LC, i paid some money to help contribute towards her sewing machine.

had the worship night. that was fun i guess...the team is gelling more. just a few concerns in some areas...but can only offer that up in prayer unless God tells me i need to do something.

football is non-existent almost...am sometimes too ill to play with eagles; my only oportunities are fridays. my fitness just goes downhill from now...ai, i miss the days when i played everyday without a whim...lol.

i've been struggling - again...uni is hard. sometimes i just feel that it's impossible to live for God in such an environment. sometimes i just think - i'm here...i'm going to sin anyway, so God won't mind if he made an exception or two and let me enjoy myself...but, i know deep inside, it's not right. this heavy conviction has stopped me from doing anything rash. but uni life is hard. the suffering is so subtle, that only when you're alone and it's quiet do you hear your own heart scattering on a marble floor, whilst you're trying to desperately pick up the pieces. loneliness.
anger. sex. it's all there to show and you can't do anything to hide it from God. we are God's temple, almost like a greenhouse. God wants to put goods in us, but he can't mix the goods if they're tainted with sin...- however, paul said, based on the teachings of JC, that "you are to live clean, innocent lives as children of God in a dark world full of crooked and perverse people. let your lives shine brightly before them."-philippians 2:14-15.

the past few weeks, i haven't been able to get stuck into the bible at all. my devotion times were non existent - i've been deaf to God. holy spirit was out the window...i didn't know what i was living for. when i was alone, to be totally banal...i was hollow through and through. i felt i had nothing to live for and the carnal desires to be free from the weight of the world bore down on me more than ever. lol i went on an anime craze...i watched all of berserk, an ancient but amazing anime. the ending left me kinda upset, so i went off and researched as to what happend. sad huh? but yeah, i spent all weekend just watching lots of anime. in the end, i gained none of God's favour...but in my heart, i knew that it wasn't just anime. i just couldn't get close to God....and i don't even know what it was. i STILL DON'T - does it matter? none whatsoever?

jesus looked at them and said,
"with man, this is impossible,
but with God all things are possible".
matthew 19:26
this verse has been stuck in my head since i read it. i asked myself "if i really love God...then i shouldn't be here? cause it says in job 28:28 "the fear of the lord- that is wisdom. and to shun evil is understanding." i do not fear the Lord, shown by my lack of understanding, otherwise i wouldn't let the devil get a foothold in my life and let me slip from him.
HOWEVER
God gives us oportunities to just let ourselves down and just be honest with each other. my good friend and brother in Christ, tomps aka thomas aka badminton freak, has always been there for me when i needed him. so has my other good brother/chigga in christ, Kam. we can just let our problems go and the best thing about it, is we can just point to God. God is the centre of our lives - and we're ready to admit that. our faith is so weak...but we have this wonderful hope in Christ, cause he gave his life, in place of ours, for punishment. that is what is amazing...and God is just awesome, cause he blesses us in so many ways. i've been looking for a christian friend i can talk to on my course; a good one, who i would be able to spend lots of fellowship with, as the current gang of friends i hang around with are really genuine and good people, but the fact they aren't christians means that their behaviours can be so selfish and self centred. it's been scientifically proven that the more time you spend with someone, the more time you become like them. this has been the case for me..and i just find it hard sometimes to stay as a witness, and show them how being a child of light is different! i've asked a few people to pray for me...and even when i ran away from God, he has introduced a new christian CHINESE friend on my course. she's called francesca, although i'm not sure i've spelt it right! let's hope our friendship grows healthily!
after thomas prayed with me when i shared everything i needed to, i knew that God was alive...and just reminded of his sufficient grace. how he can handle everyone at anytime, because he is who he is. i guess i'll just end with a simple verse...romans 12:12 - "be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer".
dunno about you, but i know my God is alive and is living in me today.
uni. it'll either make or break you.

「€Œ 2:43 am 」 » Comments: