Ever learning. Always failing. Forever weak. Yet eternally saved. From a price to pay. Which I could and can not afford. Learning to live life. Learning to love life. Growing into shoes larger than my own. Finding meaning in Your name. Love and peace.
What's happened since Dad's scare incident? A few things...
God has been touching my heart these past few days. In random moments, I feel so moved by Him...a few times is when I'm just listening to some music...and when I hear Jesus' name, there is no other reaction but a spontaneous combustion of joy, pain and hope when I realize that He's a Saviour who did not deserve death. God has moved immeasurably in me...
Something that spoke to me in a quiet time was Mark 16: 4-5
But when they looked up, they saw that the stone, which was very large, had been rolled away. As they entered the tomb, they saw a young man dressed in a white robe sitting on the right side, and they were alarmed.
I get the image from The Passion Of The Christ, at the very end of the movie. He's sat on a rock, naked, with none of the bandages around Him...Jesus rose, and was waiting for the boulder to be moved. Total victory, at that very moment.
"Cause the enemy has been defeated, death couldn't hold you down. We're gonna lift our voice in victory, we're gonna make Your praises loud."
Every time God moved in me, I just broken down crying. It's the hardest thing to cover up crying when you're on a bus, you know?? But it's all good.
On Saturday night, I saw a play that my housemate's fellowship group composed, called "Manchester Story". It's a play that has stories of different people, whose lives are broken by rape, molestation, drug addiction, gang warfare, homosexuality...these stories were interwoven, but it centered around a girl's life who has had a turbulent upbringing. The point of the story was to convey that many people in Manchester, as well as other areas, live these lives in reality. We saw how God played a part in this...and the girl and her mother were saved, at the end, by God's grace and provision, in the form of the right people in contact with the main characters.
There was an altar call, where the Pastor was moving with the Spirit. 40+ were saved that night. I felt God move as I sat down in my seat, waiting for the play to get under way...That was such an awesome night.
Something that has been really stirring within me...just what am I doing for the Lord? And am I doing it right? The preacher on Sunday explained about Matthew 5:38-48...that's right, the passage about "slap, then turn your other cheek". How as christians, we can just turn the other cheek and bear it, because we have Jesus. It doesn't say be happy about it, but know that we can bear it, because we have Jesus. That told me that...no matter what's happening, if I have the Lord, I can bear it. However...it didn't completely remove the doubt. What am I doing in 6:13? It just seems that my "counseling", if my pathetic attempts can be called that, aren't what the Lord wants. It's not aligned with His will...But I got an email today. It's from the MEC (Midlands Easter Conference) prayer team, giving me the prayer points that we shall start praying for as a team. A verse that was knocked down was this:
"So, my dear brothers and sisters, be strong and immovable. Always work enthusiastically for the Lord, for you know that nothing you do for the Lord is ever useless."1 Corinthians 15:58.
That spoke wonders to me...That no matter what I did...as long as its for the Lord...then I can hang safely in the knowledge that, because I am equipped with the right knowledge and training, my efforts aren't in vain.
As a man...I've discovered something I know what the Lord wants for me. He wants me to become a man...a man of GOD. Not just a buff, 230 pound monster that's ripped and cares about nothing, but to care for each other...to convey love as stated scripturally...to be firm on my standards and be self controlled...to listen to His will and stay faithful to Him, day after day. It's such a blessing to do that...
And with that in mind, it looks like I have direction in my life.
Something I'm trying to bear at the moment...is my utter loneliness...I'm praying that God would provide me some friends...because unfortunately, I don't really have any friends that I can just chill with. My housemates are busy a lot of the time/I clash with them and piss them off a lot. I don't know anyone in uni except people on my course and everyone has their own niche. Even If I am friends with the youth, I have to be a mentor and role model to them. Something you could pray about...is that I would learn to rely on people more...because I'm fighting a heavy war like everyone else is...but I'm always low on ammunition...But Lord, I'm desperately hanging onto you...I'm going to cling to you, even if I'm going to have little moral support over the next few years, or the rest of my life. Even if I stay celibate and single till the end of my days. Even when I lose strength in my body to move forward...Father, I'm going to stick close to You.
Freedom from sin. Let me live in that freedom with my devotion.
Monday, March 10, 2008
「€Œ 8:21 pm 」 » 
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