So, a whole year and a bit since I started this ball rolling. I guess it's natural for a time of reflection at the start of a new year, albeit half a month later..!
Am sure everyone has had their trials and tribulations. Everyone will have gone through enough shtuff the past year...I sort of feel like an idiot, typing out how I'm feeling. Not that I'm bothered what people think. It's more like, people won't even know anyway haha.
A friend started off her blog with a verse of the year. Almost like a scriptural-based new year's resolution. So I will follow accordingly.
Lamentations 3:22-24:
Because of the LORD's great love we are not consumed,
for his compassions never fail.
They are new every morning;
great is your faithfulness.
I say to myself, "The LORD is my portion;
therefore I will wait for him.
That is the passage that stood out to me, which I came across in my Freedom In Christ discipleship book. It brought me great comfort...as it holds a lot of truth through the words "They are new every morning." I have never had a massive problem believing in the Word, but it was being sustained on it...rollercoasting through life, initially being blow upwards in emotional highs on draughts of impulsiveness and freedom, then coming down realising all the crap I left behind and falling on me...(not REAL crap...). With regards to this verse...I sought meaning and prayed. I felt the Lord just said "I said your leg will be ok. I am the Lord. Chill." This leads me to a new year's resolution...although I don't make them (simply because my will and determination regarding new year's resolutions are crap), I've found one to make, in order to help me. Don't play football WITH people.
And fair enough. But I'm so sick of BEING. I can't do it anymore...it's like, what kind of leader am I? Why am I such a bully? Why do I talk so much? Even if I can put down my cause and journey into how my traits and attributes amalgamate into Me, Who Cares?
This is just sounding like teenage angst. I'm still trying hard to find my place in church. I don't want to just go through "the motions." I want to live and act in faith. Can I just be SELFLESS? Can I just find joy in OTHER things, like the joy in people's lives? Can I just stop asking so much of myself? There's just times...when I want to cry out to someone...but they don't have time to listen...So I think it's just me and the Lord...and that my life/purpose is to try to help those who need it. I don't understand something...or need help. But, then they'll turn around and say "You don't understand ME!". So what do I do?
I wait on Him...but life is just a monotonous tone...filled with judgement and individualism. I can't be "myself". I'm sort of losing my head now; who am I, anyway? Do you sum it up and derive from one-word adjectives, then construct your mental image and persona of that person from there? "Friendly", "judgemental", "evil", "bully", "careless", "useless", "church".Pfft, even the MUSIC I listen to, you'll draw something from that. If my actions could speak and be the wrench to help you fit the parts together, then I don't think I'll ever speak about myself again.
Sort of difficult...even I don't understand myself. Is this what they mean when they say the world is perched (or sat, weighing down, anchored) on your shoulder?
I don't have any self direction, unfortunately. I'm not sure what job I want. I don't know what I'm doing in church, besides helping out as I know how. Heck, I don't know too much.
I don't know the joy of being "young" and "carefree" anymore. Responsibility and maturity are the two ankle weights that keep me on earth. I have yet another mould to fit. If I had to follow someone for direction...be like someone...do things which are acknowledged and associated as "good", as shown by "someone", it would just be Jesus...because I feel like an outcast from everywhere I go. And I enjoy the blog, because I think no-one reads it, besides just one person. And he lives in Brunei. My feelings are my own.
And I know what you're thinking. "Ok. Heard enough. I'm bored. Shut up, now."
V
Labels: 2008, leg, new, outcast, year
Sunday, January 13, 2008
「€Œ 4:57 pm 」 » 
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