V - the story of: Two Years
Monday, February 11, 2008

« Two Years »

Well, two years, two days and five hours, to be precise. I was still in bed at that time. I don't feel guilty about it, though. My fragile body couldn't stand the emotional and physical strain from the previous couple of days.

I couldn't even spend time with my family on the day because I had a few things to do, and even worse, I forgot it was that day because I was busy with Church actvities...

How do I feel? I feel ok. At the moment, I'm reminiscing more than mourning. The past events don't burrow guilty marks into my head or heart anymore. But I am still replaying some events in my mind.

The one thing that is raised in my mind is "What would I say to her if I saw her once more?" But because this is MY fantasy...I'm allowed to have a whole day with her...so, if I had a whole day with her...would it be enough? What would I say? What would we do? Would she be disappointed if she saw how much or little I was doing with my life? Would I fully learn what I wanted and needed to know?

Yet all I have is a gravestone and her pictures. Those capsule moments in time frozen to mark an occassion, prove our visit to a place, or just to remember the "good times". Her letters and retention of her handwriting, undiluted by anyone. The episodic memories I still retain, mostly from my mid-teens. The fragments of a family and my insecurity, trying to find my place in the big, wide world and in His kingdom. This is what I have now.

Nothing breaks me more than to see something close to her. "My beloved wife", or the Chinese names of the family engraved. The dirt that wraps around the slab of stone at the foot of the gravestone. Oranges, placed with good intent on the gravestone , hoping she is eating well, contributing by supplementing healthy food.

I still cry and get weak at the knees when I stand before where she's buried. I still fight against the onset of memories or attached emotion held to each scene in my head, because I know that I'll be upset that they're the only memories I still have of Mum.

Plasters and medicine will heal cuts and wounds, whilst time will ease the searing pain of scars.

I don't think I've seen a bluer sky.

Hope which was lost,

Now stands renewed.

V

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