Ever learning. Always failing. Forever weak. Yet eternally saved. From a price to pay. Which I could and can not afford. Learning to live life. Learning to love life. Growing into shoes larger than my own. Finding meaning in Your name. Love and peace.
1. An intense, painful feeling of repugnance and fear.
2. Intense dislike; abhorrence.
shock 1(shk)n.
1.
a. A violent collision or impact; a heavy blow. See Synonyms at collision.
b. The effect of such a collision or blow.
2.
a. Something that jars the mind or emotions as if with a violent unexpected blow.
What's my definition of horror? When you get a text telling you that your very own Father is in hospital, reasons unknown to you, condition undisclosed, duration or situation still veiled in mystery.
Shock is when you need a way to find out, yet have no idea who to turn to.
When you think it may be the last time you see him and you were sleeping, like the useless waste of air, space and food you are.
When the stretch of time from where you are, to where you need to be, suddenly grew before your eyes. People board the bus in hoards, as opposed to the initial few that you thought you saw a few moments ago.
Horror, would be my hope being chipped away. My heart broken once more, possibly beyond full repair.
Only to find out, when you open the door, that he's home, asleep, recovering.
My whole day has been a typhoon of shock, coupled with a horror that this was it. It's over.
To be fair, I found out what happened to him at church, when I first received the text. He had a stomach ache and took medication to cure it, but it made him worse. So, nothing too bad...but I'm agitated that my dad didn't tell me what happened. When I interrogated forcefully (obvious exaggeration there!) the aunties and uncles Dad knew at church, they revealed all to me... And that moment of relief came flooding like a collision. It was like a monster constructed from anxiety and despair, gnawing and snarling...all of that, drowned by this rush of safety and direction. I was ready to collapse in a heap of tears and brokenness right there and then. My home...my home is still intact, somehow. By His grace...it's not over yet. I've again experienced the terror that horror brings, when it looms in the dark of your mind, sowing and lurking in areas you haven't prepared for, suddenly to rush at you in an ambush...but this time...grace amazing took him and me home...
As long as I have life left, a breath left in this body, I'm going to remember my blood family as the most important to me. Whether it costs me my limbs, my education, my future or happiness, I'm going to be there for them. I'm not going to let anyone down next time.
Friday, February 29, 2008
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「€Œ 12:38 am 」 » 
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