Ever learning. Always failing. Forever weak. Yet eternally saved. From a price to pay. Which I could and can not afford. Learning to live life. Learning to love life. Growing into shoes larger than my own. Finding meaning in Your name. Love and peace.
1. Feeling shame or guilt: Are you ashamed for having lied?
2. Feeling inferior, inadequate, or embarrassed: ashamed of my torn coat.
This concept of feeling ashamed has been rolling around my mind for a while. I have been trying to grapple with the idea of shame and what circumstances I'm usually put in, to feel shame.
Being Chinese, the first cultural topic of shame is achievement...more explicitly, success. Praise God that I have decent GCSE, A Level and University results. It's second nature to compare your child's results and achievements besides someone else's, for pride and for security, perhaps? You gain respect for having success...people look up to you.
So being in a Chinese church...we're called to be counter cultural...yet it feels even worse when your seniors come up to you and ask "do you have a job? Why not? Why don't you become a doctor? Why don't you do X, Y and Z?". Rain down, shame.
As a young Christian, we are encouraged to not be ashamed; to speak to our friends about Jesus and His redemptive works on the cross and how much He loves us.
I categorically did NOT speak to my friends about Jesus, because of shame.
It's basic stuff...what I'm sure every Bible reading, God fearing, Jesus loving Christian knows, Jesus commands us and instructs us to go to every nation to make disciples; to spread the good news.
Yet I find it more and more difficult as I grow older...not necessarily growing in maturity. Rather, I find myself receding in my relationship, when I can love God and praise Him behind closed doors, yet not share of His great love to other people.
Even blogging. I feel ashamed to blog, after developing relationships with so many people, I have lost my passion to blog, because I feel embarrassed and hypocritical to share anything...I don't know who reads it and I feel shame from posting my feelings for people to see...I have held back my courage to be vulnerable to the world, because I am scared I will get hurt. Quite simply, I am scared to get hurt, because someone somewhere will think, feel and say something that will not rest well with me...not that I am the centre of THE universe...just the centre of mine...=)
So, carrying this (bad) attitude of holding everything back from the world and my friends, I go to yNEEC's leader meeting. I speak to Becky Fong, Liverpool youth group's long suffering, patient and loving leader for close to a decade. I pop her the professional, superficial, what was intended to be HARMLESS question, "how are you?"
...to which she responded: "How am I? Hm well...I was made redundant, so I have no job...I'm a 30 year old living at home with my parents...I can't speak Cantonese...but it's ok, because I have Christ in me".
I was completely taken aback; I didn't expect her to be so blunt and, more explicitly, vulnerable. The way she worded her situation was completely counter cultural...just very straightforward and to end it, she finished by saying that because Christ is in her, it is ok. Not because of a financial promise to see her through until she finds a job, or because she can take a quick course to refine her Cantonese, or not even because she will be moving out soon with some friends and show her independance. Rather, she said it is because Jesus Christ lives in her, that she can face the world and it will be ok. The cliche, blase phrase that we're so used to hearing suddenly made sense in a whole new light.
I had forgotten about salvation and about how much Jesus loves us and how much God will give us. Thrown into a world where we're called to be independant and it's demanded that we are accountable to everything, sorting out own finances, accommodation, family life and work commitments, we only find we're ok when we meet the needs of the world.
Yet I had forgotten that it's ok to be in a shameful position, all because Christ is with us. I was really broken by this thought that I had relied on other things, mainly myself, and completely neglected that Jesus' grace means we will somehow be all right.
Ashamed. I am not ashamed of the gospel, because it is the power of God for the salvation of everyone who believes - Paul says.
I really want to keep blogging. I have felt ashamed and sometimes lonely, when I go about my business and receive no encouragement for anything I do. The common concept is that leaders are self sufficient, relying on other means that don't involve you.
But the truth is, I am scared, often of what people think (obv shouldn't be the case) and I need a lot of encouragement.
But I am not ashamed to come out of my shell, to just show that I am human too. Regardless of talent and giftings, I am still fleshy and poor and weak. I am not ashamed to say I love Jesus, because He loved me.
I am ashamed to say I don't show the same love to other people, because of how cold they are to me. I am ashamed to say that I shun certain crowds and forge stereotypes in my head to fit individuals.
But it's ok, because Christ is in me, and I will emulate Christ.
I guess I will try to blog more often...but I'll need rethinking on what my blog is for and what do I mean to do with this.
So, I guess if you haven't heard yet...I am officially attached. I have a girlfriend. Yay. Woop woop. Let's all giggle for a bit. Very exciting.
Yet, the feeling of becoming "attached" didn't wash over me with waves, floods or even trickles of excitement. Rather, a looming responsibility stood patiently besides me. I'm notorious for leaving things unfinished, regardless of how well I started out. This rather tall figure, made up of all the individual projects and academia that I was supposed to have finished, stood by and waited until I confronted it.
The world tells us that being in a relationship is the happiest thing that can happen. The philisophic paradigm known as "romanticism" that moved throughout the 18th and 19th century gave birth to countless tales of heroism, nobility, sacrifice, risk and going through periods of difficulty, in order to achieve this utopian position with another person. Romance is primarily based on the aesthetic experiences...touch, smell, sight, sound and taste. Romance is supposed to be the peak of all of our senses...and for that, we would do anything. We will betray the closest people to us, in order to become "one" with another. We would hurt another person's feelings, in order to fulfil our own desires. We wil go behind someone's back, if we are in love with another person, despite being currently attached to that person whom you're scheming behind.
Romance is all about us. And that's the mistake I've made in the past and nearly made here.
One thing that has been taught so many times over is to look from His perspective. We are His children, yet we so easily crumble when faced with difficulty, or with something beyond our understanding. Yet, you hold this situation or problem besides Him who is Mighty To Save, the one who created heaven and earth and knows all mysteries, binding creation and afterlife together in a divine plan beyond human logic and understanding and see if it's too hard to solve? When you look through HIS eyes...you don't need to beat yourself over and over to see that although it may not make sense now, we must obey what He wants, in order to get the best results, even if they bring hurt or it is not in line with our desires.
Luke 14 tells us about how the first will be last and the last shall be first in God's kingdom. Yet, Jesus goes even FURTHER in verses 25-34 to illustrate the extent of our obedience. Luke 14, in short, tells us to forsake our reputation, our resources, our family, our fear of our own safety and our business and work.
That's a lot to give up.
Yet why is this even relevant?
My girlfriend is very interesting indeed. I have known her for 3 years, since she first came to Manchester to study. We were on a hi-and-bye relationship. Pretty friendly. Light, without burden. Superficial. I guess we started to get to know each other around NEEC time...Just one phone call was all it took. Starting to learn more about each other. What's your favourite colour (her's is black, by the way...) and other things. So we chatted. And from there on, we wanted to spend time with each other.
I don't regret any of the time we spent together, because I loved it, even if it was bordering on the verge of emotional binging. However...it's just starting a heavy task. A long road, that IS winding...that WILL go steep, where we will not be able to see into, regardless of how well we perceive to know the other person.
It sounds quite ominous, quite depressing, right? But the one thing I've learned and will adhere to, till my death bed, which I would advise any other young couple starting out, is this.
Honour your partner as a sibling in Christ.
As much as you may "love" this person, it doesn't mean they are exempt from God's holy laws. Yes, you might want to spend more time with them, be naturally inclined to think of them frequently. But that DOESN'T mean you can touch them wherever you want. It DOESN'T mean you can blow off your ministry, your church, your family for this one person. You want to LOVE this person not by the WORLD'S standards (self-composed, by the way!), but by GOD'S standards.
Love your neighbour as yourself.
So, I will still proclaim Jesus and the hope that He brings, without ever worrying about my reputation. I will continue to commit my resources to the Lord, blessing whoever He wants me to. I will continue to be completely, madly and bonkered-ly in love, with this MAD, HUGE, INCOMPREHENSIBLE GOD...and I will continue to honour my girlfriend. It means not taking her for granted. Protecting her sexuality. Treating her with respect and trusting her. Praying with her. Encouraging her by CHRIST'S authority, not just some weasly, meek, self-imposed "You're worth it!". God tells me that when you are in a relationship, you shouldn't forsake the cost of being a disciple. Not that much changes. In fact, you have an advantage, because it is now TWO heads thinking and praying together, instead of just one. Ultimately, I must still love her like I love her as a sister in Christ, regardless of my emotional attachment. Forgiveness when she has clearly done something wrong, and outright humility, on my hands and feet when I have held a grudge against her. Jesus is still head of all and connects each of us to each other. Even if it hurts not to hang out too late at night, or to spend TOO much time together, excessive physical contact, what we are allowed to wear, say, or do...all these compromised standards (which should be drawn directly from the Bible!) will ultimately help us run the race further.
So, that is how I will live and sustain this relationship. As a disciple, this will be an amazing testimony to the world, those in and of it. By HONOURING her in all I do.
Saturday, April 24, 2010
-sh
md
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「€Œ 2:48 pm 」 » 
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