V - the story of: I won't back down - he didn't die for nothing
Wednesday, December 27, 2006

« I won't back down - he didn't die for nothing »

here we are again

christmas has passed. it wasn't a particularly fun time of year. i'm sure we've all had enough time to ourselves to just reflect, wallow in negative feelings and the like. however, everyone has their circumstances, so everyone has some justification story on their feelings. i don't judge, cause i've just been through it as well...

the past week few weeks haven't been great. i had 2 nights with virtually no sleep, and a wet pillow. i had a week of degradation and being plunged into a world of overwhelming guilt. it was all about the me me me, and not much of them.

let's be over dramatic. how did it feel? it felt like fire again - being brought to a new threshold each time there was silence to be filled, then a new horde of feelings and memories came back. the song selection on my mp3 didn't help much. i couldn't justify myself anymore. i was contemptible, unworthy of existence, inexcusable, disgraceful - every cliche you could think of. i couldn't think of why i could live. i couldn't love when i had the chance, so why am i being offered a second chance? i couldn't see it as "why can't i be there with her either?" - although many nights concluded in me thinking of which would be the goriest way to leave this world, and probably end up going into hell.

i was groping around in the dark again, hoping for my family to recover from their loss of senses and direction. i'm not sure what my brother or sister feels, but i have only one parent now. i don't know if they appreciate them enough, but i don't.

i felt pain again, deep inside, the type of pain which cripples you mercilessly and leaves you begging for escape, but you can't find it.

and now it's gone. christmas was here. it took a while...and a LOT of support (thanks to Tomps, Ricky, Jamie and Helen!!!!!!!), but here I am. i wouldn't say i'm fully emotionally stable, but i'm alright to go out into the big wide world again.

christmas was here. it was supposed to be a time where things took a change for the good in my family. i was trying my best to be thoughtful, but it doesn't look very hopeful...there hasn't been much of a change in attitude. but - romans 12:12 says "be joyful in HOPE, patient in affliction, FAITHFUL IN PRAYER". it doesn't happen overnight. let's let God do his shiz...

it took a while, but i realised. matthew 1:21 "you are to give him (the baby) the name Jesus, because!!!! he will save his people from their sins". that's what's christmas is about. it took a while, but i realised, i have a saviour. jars of clay said "he didn't die for nothing" - so don't discard his death as trivial or something that doesn't, or couldn't apply to you. JC brought us salvation.

it took a while, but i moved away from my pain. how and why? i realised...that God works in so many ways. after giving thanks to God, even when i knew i wasn't in the state to, God rewarded me and Tomps after singing a few worship songs and prayer with knowledge...that we should just be still, and know that he is God. s'all good.

the other day, i was reading job. it was chapter 24-29. basically, job was slating God's judgement for letting the wicked go unpunished and the righteous are usually left the ones aching and in pain. the devotion material said "why do bad things happen to good people?" that's the same thing my sister said....it took a while. but i remembered a scripture - 1 corinthians 10:13 - "and God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. but when that times comes, he will offer you a way out, so that you can stand up under it". i thought...ok? and? but then, if god gives us stuff which he knows we can handle, it made me look at job. why was job crying and persecuting god as his enemy, when God thought he was the ONLY person in his generation who could handle the shiz that was thrown at him? the next day, i read a bit more - chapters 30-34. it was job crying some more, then elihu, the youngest of job's friends, tried to show his wisdom. it wasn't any different to the previous shiz, just some more anger and "you have sinned dumbass, just repent". however, what took my attention by the collar, was chapter 32, when it said that elihu spoke because he was angry that Job ONLY justified HIMSELF but not God? doesn't make sense when you look at it, right? i guess we can empathise here; when we're suffering, we don't particularly feel like seeing the other side of the story. whether it's because we know we'll be wrong, or because we're just myopic and are lost for direction, we just don't most of the time! however, God lets Job suffer, cause God gave Job a righteousness which is perfect in god's eyes; he knows that Job will be able to handle it. i guess that Job was to be an example to the rest. although he didn't fulfil God's wishes in terms of constant praise, he still never cursed God. for that, God blessed him like sand on a beach. i had to stop and think...God never lets anyone undergo something they can't handle, right?

me...so, losing a loved one...can i handle it? under God's law, apparently so...ok...but why? why did he do it, if he knows i can anyway? haha i don't know...i actually don't know why he's done it. but i know, that he has because the plan is perfect. look at Job; he ended up living another 100 years and had lots of blessings. i don't (and can't if i tried to) need to justify God, cause i do not have wisdom. everything i have is from him, so it's his rightfully anyhoo.

after an act of miraculous divine intervention as far as my music is concerned, i was exposed to some christian lyrics. "he didn't die for nothing" - liquid, by jars of clay. it hit me hard. he didn't. the reason why JC was born, as i recall from lots of talks, is because he's a sacrifice made just for us. it links in, wait for it, the best bit.....as Job is the only one who could handle the suffering then, JC was the ONLY one who could die for our sins. why? because he was perfect...my mind wouldn't stop sprinting away with that train of thought and carried on to say that JC didn't just come down to earth, chill out, have a bud and smoke some weed before he was hung on the cross; he taught everyone how to BE perfect under God's eyes, rather than let his life waste away. What Would Jesus Do? he wouldn't waste away, like me, in the bed, thinking my life away.

so, change of direction. i picked up my bible, my head and my heart and started to move forward again. i don't believe in JC because he was black, afro carribbean, was born on 04.01.00 at 11:52pm, or because he had long hair. i believe in JC

FOR WHAT HE DID ON THE CROSS

because no one else could have done it. he easily coulda just sit back with God, looked down at us through his ultra high spec HD TV and said "bah, we can always make another race" - instead, he chose to fulfil his role as our Saviour, and shed that perfect blood, because we are so stupid that we couldn't see perfection, even though it walked in front of us. just like "you wouldn't know beauty if it hit you in the face" - trust me. that history is as real as WW2, or Princess Diana crashing, or U2 releasing all those songs. it's real all right. i put on the helmet of salvation(Eph 6:17), and Satan couldn't do anything except claw away at the shiny surface that JC made.

now what?

i have a role to fulfil. what is it? i don't really know...but the first step is to say sorry God and to the people around me. the next step is to say thank you God, and to the people around me. the last step is to say, I love you God, and to the people around me.

at the moment...the most accessible thing is the worship team...i should really go and say sorry to that funny bunch. the next...is to carry on being that child of light.

uni. it'll either make or break you.
V

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