V - the story of: That time of year...
Tuesday, December 19, 2006

« That time of year... »



It's christmas time. that time of year again.

like i said before, now is the only oportunity i've had to sit down and be quiet with myself'; i heard the grumblings of my heart and have seen what's going on inside the cracks of my head. don't want to be over dramatic...but it's just not pretty.

this year is obviously the first for everything in the absense of her...in the past 2 nights, my sleep has been continually interrupted with haunting images of just everything that's happend in the past few years. my arms and face went numb after breaking down some...might be the rabies.

i'm not sure why, but it's all just negative stuff. ironically, i'm trying to test out my psychology knowledge on myself, hoping to diagnose myself with a problem that'll explain my unusual behaviour.

Depression - DSM IV Criteria
Major Depressive Episode-
A. 5+ of the following nearly every day for a 2 week period; must include one of (1) or (2).
(1) depressed mood
(2) loss of interest or pleasure
Depression - DSM IV Criteria
(3) significant change in weight / appetite
(4) insomnia / hypersomnia
(5) psychomotor agitation / retardation
(6) fatigue / loss of energy
(7) feeling worthless / excessive guilt
(8) indecisiveness / inability to think or concentrate
(9) recurrent suicidal ideation / specific plan

Currently, i'm experiencing about...7 of those symptoms. i've been going through that for 2 days now. another 12 to go and i can say i'm actually depressed...somewhat an incongruous way to apply my knowledge, but should be fun.

just moments at the funeral, knowing her last words, knowing what i haven't said, knowing what i HAVE said, what i haven't done. it just haunts me doggedly...because looking this past year, i'm not sure if i have followed any of her instructions. my siblings aren't any closer to God...and i feel absolutely helpless at the moment. all the telephone conversations we had, how brief they were and surprisingly, how hard it was to express what i felt to the woman who taught me how to express.

after talking to ricky last night...i learnt that i haven't forgiven myself. it's easy to forgive someone else...but if you were in my shoes and saw the same slideshow of affliction, you'd know how i am feeling. Pastor Kim said to me on that day, that it will be difficult...but he tried to remember the good points about his father and how they will be carried with him into heaven. it's just a broken record, rolling through the same sounds and feelings though...i hope i pass my course in january. the exams are a pain...

after some thought...i took ricky's advice into consideration. obviously she wouldn't want to see me sad...but i want her to see my vulnerability and how at the moment, i am not coping without her presence in my life. maybe this is my illustration of love? he said this is probably God's test to see how strong my faith is...but i'm really broken at the moment.

if anyone has seen the anime "Berserk", i am finding some inspiration from that. the protagonist survived 2 eclipses...through sheer determination and the will to live. he lost his eye and his arm in the process, but he realised that what he lost were things he truly loved, deep down in his callous and rugged heart. he fought to keep everything else he loved in the world. i feel the same, somewhat. the lyrics from tom petty's "i won't back down" epitomizes this -

Well I wont back down, no I won't back down
You can stand me up at the gates of hell
But I won't back down

Gonna stand my ground, won't be turned around
And Ill keep this world from draggin me down
Gonna stand my ground and I wont back down

Hey baby, there aint no easy way out
Hey I will stand my ground
And I wont back down.

i guess this is satan's attack; his subtle manipulation of using mortal weaknesses against us, using us as puppets to influence everyone around people we care for. already, i've made the harsh decision to leave the worship team for now...sorry for letting you guys down. my head's just hurting and i'm in no state to worship God. there is always a time to praise God...but i've not made/found that time. JC's sacrifice still amazes me though...just the mercy and love conveyed through the lyrics in How Deep:-

How deep the Father's love for us,
how vast beyond all measure,
that He should give His only Son
to make a wretch His treasure.
How great the pain of searing loss:
the Father turns His face away,
as wounds which mar the chosen one
bring many sons to glory.

Behold the man upon a cross,
my sin upon His shoulders,
ashamed I hear my mocking voice
call out among the scoffers.
It was my sin that held Him there
until it was accomplished,
his dying breath has brought me life
I know that it is finished.

I will not boast in anything,
no gifts, no power, no wisdom,
but I will boast in Jesus Christ,
his death and resurrection.
Why should I gain from His reward?
I cannot give an answer,
but this I know with all my heart,
His wounds have paid my ransom.

there's a lot of pain in this little post...i don't expect anyone to understand. but i reiterate - it's the first time in a long time that i've been by myself, in my own company. i guess this is where i really need God...it's the third night. let's hope it's not a repeat of the previous two.

uni. it'll either make you or break you.

「€Œ 4:42 pm 」 » Comments:




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