it's been a few weeks since i touched this. God has really blessed me with a youth group worship band, which has so much talent in so many areas...just need to play with the holy spirit leading us =). I got suki...nothing in the end lol, cause i didn't know what to buy. she just bought something afterwards and i paid for it. easy. for LC, i paid some money to help contribute towards her sewing machine.
had the worship night. that was fun i guess...the team is gelling more. just a few concerns in some areas...but can only offer that up in prayer unless God tells me i need to do something.
football is non-existent almost...am sometimes too ill to play with eagles; my only oportunities are fridays. my fitness just goes downhill from now...ai, i miss the days when i played everyday without a whim...lol.
i've been struggling - again...uni is hard. sometimes i just feel that it's impossible to live for God in such an environment. sometimes i just think - i'm here...i'm going to sin anyway, so God won't mind if he made an exception or two and let me enjoy myself...but, i know deep inside, it's not right. this heavy conviction has stopped me from doing anything rash. but uni life is hard. the suffering is so subtle, that only when you're alone and it's quiet do you hear your own heart scattering on a marble floor, whilst you're trying to desperately pick up the pieces. loneliness.
anger. sex. it's all there to show and you can't do anything to hide it from God. we are God's temple, almost like a greenhouse. God wants to put goods in us, but he can't mix the goods if they're tainted with sin...- however, paul said, based on the teachings of JC, that "you are to live clean, innocent lives as children of God in a dark world full of crooked and perverse people. let your lives shine brightly before them."-philippians 2:14-15.
the past few weeks, i haven't been able to get stuck into the bible at all. my devotion times were non existent - i've been deaf to God. holy spirit was out the window...i didn't know what i was living for. when i was alone, to be totally banal...i was hollow through and through. i felt i had nothing to live for and the carnal desires to be free from the weight of the world bore down on me more than ever. lol i went on an anime craze...i watched all of berserk, an ancient but amazing anime. the ending left me kinda upset, so i went off and researched as to what happend. sad huh? but yeah, i spent all weekend just watching lots of anime. in the end, i gained none of God's favour...but in my heart, i knew that it wasn't just anime. i just couldn't get close to God....and i don't even know what it was. i STILL DON'T - does it matter? none whatsoever?
jesus looked at them and said,
"with man, this is impossible,
but with God all things are possible".
matthew 19:26
this verse has been stuck in my head since i read it. i asked myself "if i really love God...then i shouldn't be here? cause it says in job 28:28 "the fear of the lord- that is wisdom. and to shun evil is understanding." i do not fear the Lord, shown by my lack of understanding, otherwise i wouldn't let the devil get a foothold in my life and let me slip from him.
HOWEVER
God gives us oportunities to just let ourselves down and just be honest with each other. my good friend and brother in Christ, tomps aka thomas aka badminton freak, has always been there for me when i needed him. so has my other good brother/chigga in christ, Kam. we can just let our problems go and the best thing about it, is we can just point to God. God is the centre of our lives - and we're ready to admit that. our faith is so weak...but we have this wonderful hope in Christ, cause he gave his life, in place of ours, for punishment. that is what is amazing...and God is just awesome, cause he blesses us in so many ways. i've been looking for a christian friend i can talk to on my course; a good one, who i would be able to spend lots of fellowship with, as the current gang of friends i hang around with are really genuine and good people, but the fact they aren't christians means that their behaviours can be so selfish and self centred. it's been scientifically proven that the more time you spend with someone, the more time you become like them. this has been the case for me..and i just find it hard sometimes to stay as a witness, and show them how being a child of light is different! i've asked a few people to pray for me...and even when i ran away from God, he has introduced a new christian CHINESE friend on my course. she's called francesca, although i'm not sure i've spelt it right! let's hope our friendship grows healthily!
after thomas prayed with me when i shared everything i needed to, i knew that God was alive...and just reminded of his sufficient grace. how he can handle everyone at anytime, because he is who he is. i guess i'll just end with a simple verse...romans 12:12 - "be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer".
dunno about you, but i know my God is alive and is living in me today.
uni. it'll either make or break you.
Wednesday, December 13, 2006
「€Œ 2:43 am 」 » 
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