Ever learning. Always failing. Forever weak. Yet eternally saved. From a price to pay. Which I could and can not afford. Learning to live life. Learning to love life. Growing into shoes larger than my own. Finding meaning in Your name. Love and peace.
I used to be ambition was dangerous. I thought it was like a weed that would always creep up the healthy roots of normal life, such as daily interaction with friends, going out together and enjoying ourselves. Ambition, to me, was the spark in a sales person's eyes, or the sweat on a musicians brow. The muscles twitching in athletes.
Then I realised how ambitious I've been recently, with things that aren't actually all that important.
And when it came to try and fulfil my ambition, it just failed because I was reaching too high.
One of my worst fears is not becoming what I could be. But I guess I shouldn't over estimate what I can be.
1. Feeling shame or guilt: Are you ashamed for having lied?
2. Feeling inferior, inadequate, or embarrassed: ashamed of my torn coat.
This concept of feeling ashamed has been rolling around my mind for a while. I have been trying to grapple with the idea of shame and what circumstances I'm usually put in, to feel shame.
Being Chinese, the first cultural topic of shame is achievement...more explicitly, success. Praise God that I have decent GCSE, A Level and University results. It's second nature to compare your child's results and achievements besides someone else's, for pride and for security, perhaps? You gain respect for having success...people look up to you.
So being in a Chinese church...we're called to be counter cultural...yet it feels even worse when your seniors come up to you and ask "do you have a job? Why not? Why don't you become a doctor? Why don't you do X, Y and Z?". Rain down, shame.
As a young Christian, we are encouraged to not be ashamed; to speak to our friends about Jesus and His redemptive works on the cross and how much He loves us.
I categorically did NOT speak to my friends about Jesus, because of shame.
It's basic stuff...what I'm sure every Bible reading, God fearing, Jesus loving Christian knows, Jesus commands us and instructs us to go to every nation to make disciples; to spread the good news.
Yet I find it more and more difficult as I grow older...not necessarily growing in maturity. Rather, I find myself receding in my relationship, when I can love God and praise Him behind closed doors, yet not share of His great love to other people.
Even blogging. I feel ashamed to blog, after developing relationships with so many people, I have lost my passion to blog, because I feel embarrassed and hypocritical to share anything...I don't know who reads it and I feel shame from posting my feelings for people to see...I have held back my courage to be vulnerable to the world, because I am scared I will get hurt. Quite simply, I am scared to get hurt, because someone somewhere will think, feel and say something that will not rest well with me...not that I am the centre of THE universe...just the centre of mine...=)
So, carrying this (bad) attitude of holding everything back from the world and my friends, I go to yNEEC's leader meeting. I speak to Becky Fong, Liverpool youth group's long suffering, patient and loving leader for close to a decade. I pop her the professional, superficial, what was intended to be HARMLESS question, "how are you?"
...to which she responded: "How am I? Hm well...I was made redundant, so I have no job...I'm a 30 year old living at home with my parents...I can't speak Cantonese...but it's ok, because I have Christ in me".
I was completely taken aback; I didn't expect her to be so blunt and, more explicitly, vulnerable. The way she worded her situation was completely counter cultural...just very straightforward and to end it, she finished by saying that because Christ is in her, it is ok. Not because of a financial promise to see her through until she finds a job, or because she can take a quick course to refine her Cantonese, or not even because she will be moving out soon with some friends and show her independance. Rather, she said it is because Jesus Christ lives in her, that she can face the world and it will be ok. The cliche, blase phrase that we're so used to hearing suddenly made sense in a whole new light.
I had forgotten about salvation and about how much Jesus loves us and how much God will give us. Thrown into a world where we're called to be independant and it's demanded that we are accountable to everything, sorting out own finances, accommodation, family life and work commitments, we only find we're ok when we meet the needs of the world.
Yet I had forgotten that it's ok to be in a shameful position, all because Christ is with us. I was really broken by this thought that I had relied on other things, mainly myself, and completely neglected that Jesus' grace means we will somehow be all right.
Ashamed. I am not ashamed of the gospel, because it is the power of God for the salvation of everyone who believes - Paul says.
I really want to keep blogging. I have felt ashamed and sometimes lonely, when I go about my business and receive no encouragement for anything I do. The common concept is that leaders are self sufficient, relying on other means that don't involve you.
But the truth is, I am scared, often of what people think (obv shouldn't be the case) and I need a lot of encouragement.
But I am not ashamed to come out of my shell, to just show that I am human too. Regardless of talent and giftings, I am still fleshy and poor and weak. I am not ashamed to say I love Jesus, because He loved me.
I am ashamed to say I don't show the same love to other people, because of how cold they are to me. I am ashamed to say that I shun certain crowds and forge stereotypes in my head to fit individuals.
But it's ok, because Christ is in me, and I will emulate Christ.
I guess I will try to blog more often...but I'll need rethinking on what my blog is for and what do I mean to do with this.
...is the title of this post because my mind's just chewing over some things.
For example, why is there the suffering in Haiti? Furthermore, how amazing is it that people band together to help rebuild the community, thanks to George Clooney and crew.
Also, what is my purpose? Future...what a scary word it is now. Especially since I haven't sorted it out yet.
What struck me was that in Student Fellowship on Thursday, I led worship...and afterwards, the bible study leader decided everyone should encourage each other, so we scrawled on pieces of paper taped to people's backs.
I had low expectations, since no one really knows me and I wasn't too sure what they'd write.
Surprisingly, I was encouraged, without reading too deeply into the meaning behind some of them.
For one, "You did a great job in song leading today!" Also, "Thanks for encouragement during exam period! God bless :) xoxo". In particular, "It's great that you've been serving God so passionately! Keep it up!" And a favourite - "Stop copying my hairstyle!"
While most of these are hard to guess, I think I'm encouraged by what people can say to you when given the chance.
Which leads me to realizing I don't have that many friends in SF.
I was at the Job Centre Plus for a Back to Work session, stage 2...
It's a one on one interview where they individually review your case, looking at your aspirations and realistic job applications.
After our brief exchange, the lady told me that I was obviously lost about what to do and to get any job for now, that'll be 16+ hours and concentrate the rest of my time on my long term goals. She was a nice enough lady, as far as personalities go. But I think I have to hesitantly agree with what she said.
I was reading on up on Delirious and where the inspiration for songs came from, right from the horses' mouths!
In particular, I felt encouraged by Martin Smith's response and encouragement when talking about the song History Maker. I'm going to type out the whole passage, just to show you how amazing God is.
When Jesus came to Earth as a child, no one could have ever imagined the impact He would have had on His culture and on the lives of billions of people in the ages to come.
The question has been asked, Can anyone reawlly change anything today? Is this it? Do we fit into the system and culture we livei n-just see it through till we leave this planet?
The answer we all know is no. But still, we're afraid of the challenges and sacrifice involved in being a part of that change.
It's much easier to sit back and let everyone else do ti. Jesus proved that it can be done (admittedly it helped a little that He was the Son of God!). But He had to lay His life down at the cross to achieve the most radical change the planet has ever seen or will see. He gave humanity the chance to have eternal life-tobe set free from sin and our selfishness that separates us from God Himself. He showedd us that we don't earn salvation by following a set of rules but by friendship, surrender and commitment to Someone we love.
When we talk about making history, Jesus was the ultimate example of this. Our job is to identify in our culture what needs changing and then make that change, acting as the hand of Christ in whatever situation we find ourselves. It could be sticking up for someone at school whom everyone ridicules, or lobbying government regarding changing laws on pornography.
A friend of mine from Australia, Mark Zschech, is a modern-day history maker because he sees what needs changing and does something about it. n 1994 there was a mass genocide in Rwanda as 800,000 people were killed in a 100-day period, although the rest of the world was ignorant of this atrocity. While visintg Rwanda in 2006, he and his wife, Darlene, decided to do something to help the nation still struggling with its own grief. They mobilized their church and thousands around the world to bring hope in that place of despair. For 100 days, foreign doctors taught local doctors how to perform heart surgery; craftsmen built new houses for widows and orphans; musicians sang a new song of deliverance. These people brought about change, real change,stuff you read about in books about heroes of ages past-but this was 2006! The church was being the Church, showing the love of Jesus.
This ordinary guy with an extraordinary belief in God's ability to do miracles encourages me to believe the same, to think bigger, to believe more, to genuinely believe that we, the Church of Jesus Christ, cahn change this world. Why? Because His church is still the most active and passionate people group that exists-and the reason it exists is not for its own gain but to bring light to the world. The church is an army of volunteers who live for a higher purpose. I love Luke 4:18-19: "The spirit of the Lord is upon me, because he has anointed me to preach good news to the poor. He has sent me to proclaims freedom for the prisoners and recovery of sight for the lblind, to release the oppressed, to proclaim the year of the Lord's favor." I want to be a history maker has been a phrase that many have sung with passion and is one of the older songs (1995) that we still sing every night we play. We joke sometimes that this tune just won't go away! I first wrote the song as the heart cry of a young man with his life in front of him, a prayer to my Maker to use me in whatever way He saw fit. In my mind, I had grand thoughts of wanting to be part of the biggest band in the world.
Life never turns out exactly as you'd expect. Ten years into my music career, the passion is teh same, but I've changed my perspective on what a history maker is. It's not all about the big stuff, about being famous-although that is great. True history makers are those who walk humbly before their God and do whatever He asks. I know many believers who quietly serve God in a radical way, yet they will never receive any recognition. Stil, they faithfully see their mission through to the end.
The key is not how fast you run the race but whether or not you finish. I once thought that being a famous band was making history, but now I realize it's more important to be faithful to my wife, to stay married and to see my children become the makerse of history in the future. Don't get me wrong- like the song says, I want to be part of changing the course of millions of lives, of seeing the blind set free and dead men rise and witnessingnations turn back to Jesus. But I'll play whatever part God asks of me.
Each of us is only one small piece of the jigsaw puzzle-and we all must get beyond ourselves to get in God's big picture. Speaking truth to all mankind must be our mission, whether on a big or small scale. We must remember that we all have our spheres of influence-we're all part of God's history-making team.
I'm glad this song never goes away, as it reminds us every night what we're here for. I personally have cried many tears in many nations when I've seen people's faces in the crowd light up when they know God is cherring them on. The great cloud of witnesses is watching and waiting, for today is the day. Let's get busy changing the world!
-----
So I'm left here, pondering on Martin's words. After listening to History Maker, I got a grasp of what he was saying...the dark mood at the beginning by the militant, steady riff of the synth, the pulsating bass. A bit of celtic U2, with overlapping delay and light distortion...but actually, the theme of being a History Maker.
If I was honest, it's not my goal right now. I never thought I was able to be so big. But thinking about what Martin said...I was born a History Maker, wherever I am and wherever I go.
Then I struggle with this issue of pride...well, if I'm a history maker, I must be famous and powerful. Being famous in itself doesn't bother me, but then I have the issue that God will exalt.
Then I realize the focus is all wrong. It's about my exalting God in whatever I do. That I will be the hands and feet of Jesus Christ wherever I can. Whether or not I'm famous is irrelevant, because I echo what Galatians 1:10 says.
Am I now trying to win the approval of men, or of God? Or am I trying to please men? If I were still trying to please men, I would not be a servant of Christ.
So yes...I am a bit lost. But with more focus at the same time. I don't know what to do, yet I know I was born a history maker and to bring change wherever I go. More importantly...less of me and more of Him...that's really humbling.
So, I guess I'm going to wait for God. Patiently or not is another blog post probably...
OTT - b. over the limit; excessive(ly); lacking restraint or a sense of proportion
I texted a friend recently. I asked him how he was and how was his situation right now. I really admire him because of his aspirations and for who he is. I haven't known him a long time, but I warmed up to him. I haven't spoken to him in a while, so I thought I'd drop by. But no reply.
The same response, as when I last tried to contact him. No reply.
The first time, I thought...perhaps he's busy. I don't know his timetable very well. Maybe he's a really busy guy at this hour; he'll call back later," I assumed. So I tried again. But no reply.
I recently found a primary school friend, who didn't stray too far from Manchester herself. I was excited to find her on Facebook and found out she lived with my old high school friend at university. Shocked and happily surprised by the odd chances of them meeting, I logged on and found her on Facebook. I asked her how she was and what she was up to, hoping we'd actually catch up. We were never close in primary school, but I guess I was excited to meet someone I knew so long ago.
There was no reply.
So questions buzzed in my head...maybe my internet connection breaks when they want to message back...maybe my phone doesn't function well and exclusively stops their texts. Maybe they don't want to talk. To me.
I hang on that thought for moments too long.
Why do they not want to talk? I thought we were on good terms.
Flashing through previous conversations and meetings like a portfolio, I desperately try to find anomolies or awkward moments, times when I convey myself not in the right light or said the wrong thing. But from my perspective, it's eternally flawed; I'll never know until I speak with them and find out.
My greatest fear of sharing with people isn't that my words won't come out right. My fear isn't that I'll come across as arrogant, or selfish. My fear isn't that someone butt into the conversation.
My fear is that amidst all the noise in the world, my friend's problems and the person listening to me carrying their own burdens, there will be no room for me.
I feel that it is infinitely easier to say than sit still. I believe it's easier to act and just throw something at people hoping it'll make sense to them and your almighty wisdom will cure my situation. When you don't know how I feel and just bunch me into a generic category of "other people"; the great stereotype of all psychologists is the act of grouping...you're either a type A madman, or type B and there's no individual difference at all. I don't feel like an individual; I don't feel of any worth at all. But there is no one to hear my story.
My greatest fear is that I won't be heard.
My greatest fear is that I will be put down when I try to tell someone something.
Task: The alphabet; each letter represents a characteristic of God. Name each letter for a characteristic of God that you know/have experienced.
I quickly scan over and instinctively find myself at the letter "V"; V being the first letter of my name, maybe it's a spiritual home and one that I'll always be inclined to look at.
And then, immediately, the word screams at me like a raging Gospel choir, who have warmed up, who are encouraged, unstoppable and completely surrendered to God's will:
Saturday, November 20, 2010
「€Œ 7:32 pm 」 » 
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