V - the story of: As the rain, so comes the shine.
Friday, June 22, 2007

« As the rain, so comes the shine. »

Chewing on my tongue, in hope that the right words will come out.
Crunching my mind, in hope trenchant advice will tumble out from my head.
Excavating like a rookie, anticipating great treasure, desperate for hope and a glimpse of the light of an exit.

Breast Cancer strikes again in our church.

This is another rant and rave about my God.

First thoughts; "Why God?"
But I guess I realised that I knew better than to ask HIM why...it mutated very quickly into "What now?"
No, they haven't deserved it. No, God doesn't dish out punishment as he sees fit; those who are saved and follow our Lord JC are saved from it. Doesn't mean unfortunate things in life can't land on "Christians'" heads...what it does mean, is that we now have a long battle to face.

What words do I say? When shall I help? Do I visit often? Do I share all the time? Shall I be normal to them? What the hell IS normal?? What am I usually like??...

My head falls into itself, creases and folds again. My head and heart suddenly crash into one resounding whisper...only to trigger the next discord and battle of prevailing thoughts, benevolent, uncertain and just plain ole questions. That's what humans do. We question. An innate feature of all human minds is to formulate questions, of which the answer demands causality and comfort, or the affirmation of knowledge, when something goes awry...even when you know the answer. Do you find you do that? You ask, when you have already seen evidence, yet the mind's denial is so strong, that it will make you trace back your steps, asking the same things, for a cross reference from someone you trust or you know has reliable sources...

Apparently, treatment shall start very soon for the mother in mind. It only occurred to me at what stage it was at when we were praying; one of the doctor's of our church was talking about physical disfigurement, hair loss, physical incapacity to do what they like to do, whether that be spending time with their kids, or lacking the strength to cook for them, the inability to uphold their inner strength and force the body to convey this strength...it brought back a lot of memories. Just knowing that the children of this family have yet to see with their eyes this transformation and temporary pain, the mother fighting to regain control and stability over her new life, the father to stay strong as the head and make readjustments in the plans of the family life. Just knowing this suddenly sparked into mind...these guys need comfort. Where was I when this was happening? In my own world...letting mum fight her own battles herself...

This pain is hard to explain. One of the most heart wrenching memories I can replay word for word, repaint colour for morbid colour and cry over, is when mum was lying in bed, aching and groaning. I desperately fumbled for paracetamol, asking her if it would help. She mustered up the energy to turn it down, because she said the pain she's feeling can't be cured with simple painkillers. I was stood there in my room, with a foil packet in my hand. With an iron brand, I felt the sear of "Useless" stamped on my forehead. She was like that for the next few days.

I guess I'm going to have to stick close to God, for what He wants, and how I can help.

Trust is starting. I don't care what I have to do now. With this new situation popping up, all I'm concerned with is kicking prayer life back into gear. One of mum's memory verse cards inspired me; Proverbs 3: 5-6:

Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will make your paths straight.

Also...the yNEEC theme verse really came to light, finally. 1 Corinthians 1:8 -
And He will keep you strong to the end, so you will be blameless on the day of our Lord Jesus Christ.

As Derek informed us, that verse is about trust in the Lord, that he will make us strong. Screw trying hard to get better...the heart is there. But God's wants first, what I want later...(IT'S SO FRIGGING TOUGH??? >.<)

Today, I spent 12 hours out with Tim, Jason, Andy, Steven Li and some liverpool people. Initially a Manchester University open day, but slowly turned into a mini social gathering as the day advanced haha. However, no pictures to prove it...it was a fun time. I guess the mention of "university prospectuses" dampened the atmosphere and potential mayhem and chaos that youth like to stir up when they're together. Yes, I'm an instigator. I confess...

On the way home, I fell in love.
After an irritating time of an old man touching me up whilst waiting for the metrolink, then being told it doesn't work and I was ushered to the bus...I saw one of God's gems.

The sun resigning for the day, the seams of the overbearing clouds, saturated with a dull sorrow, let loose...and tints of crimson trickled, bleeding through. In other chinks of the sky, blue wisps of clean air floated by, almost trailing and leading these streaks of heart-piercing warmth...Amidst technology, delapidated shelter, human activity...I couldn't deny it. I broke down on the bus.

You're beautiful, JC.

Keep chasing Him.

V

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