V - the story of: change
Sunday, March 08, 2009

« change »

Lord. I'm so humbled.

Please forgive me for how I think and how I have reacted. Please put back my heart.

Because my head hurts and I don't really know anymore. I'm in the eye of the hurricane, where only a nudge and I'll be ripped me into the vortex of life. I don't know what to do.

I'm sorry for looking down on all those people I have looked down on. I apologize for pride, which never left the door. I'm sorry for deceit. I want to lay a lot at Your feet.

I have these words ringing in my ears. Please make it stop.

Happiness feels a lot like sorrow
Let it be, you can’t make it come or go

Happiness damn near destroys you
Breaks your faith to pieces on the floor
So you tell yourself, that’s probably enough for now
Happiness has a violent roar

Happiness is like the old man told me
Look for it, but you’ll never find it all

[The Fray - Happiness]
[The Fray]

This line is so blurred. Happiness, this "feeling" within our "consciousness", which manifests in biophysical reactions, the wrinkles in my eyes and the indents of our cheeks when we laugh and produce these strangely amiable sounds. And then all of a sudden, when we lose focus on the sight of our joy, we are quickly habitualised and happiness suddenly blurs into sorrow.

Then I hide back in my fortress of lies, where I am the centre of my universe. I feel You poking at my transparent veil, which I adamantly monitor and maintain daily, hourly, by the minute and second, in order to sustain reign on my life, so I know where I'm heading.

And when it crumbles, I am so, so scared. I peak outside and my eyes have a visual buffet, feasting on whatever they see and my mind crashing against my skull, trying to understand and process this new world; they bleed from overstimulation and I withdraw. Yet the image is etched in my head; Lord, You are the centre of the universe. And I'm so small here.

And things happen so fast. I still need that hand to hold. Dad gets married. I graduate. My family grows distant. I worry for my friends. I hate some people who try to get close to me. I want this, but I hate You because I can't have it. I get in a wild frenzy, stomping feet and scowls galore, posted on everyone I can shoot my gaze at. It just seems like You're so obscure and You don't know what happiness is. I want something that I want, but You never understand. I probably have a good idea of the world and what it entails, what job prospects are for me, what my best chances are, where I could go-

I gasp in shock. Where have You gone? Any one of You three around? I can't hear You. I grope around wildly in the dark.

Wait. When did it get this dark? Where am I? It feels like home...but I'm so awkward, boxed in, like I don't belong it. The space feels almost...makeshift. Anyway, I need to get out of here and see where God is.

Oh yeah...I was praying just now. I was in my place...and I lost sight of Him. I let the world get larger than He is...that was pretty dumb.

The light spears through the holes that He made in my defense...I remember now. I was scared of what I saw...and realized that I do not have the gift of foresight...neither am I omniscient and omnipotent. I can't move seas apart by my hands and even if I could, I don't know what I'd do with it. I realize the throne in my heart has the shape of my back grooved into the seat.

Lord, I know I haven't been faithful. These emotions that we- no, how about I...that I adhere to and seek, I do so just for damage limitation on them, so I know where I am. But God...you've got a harsh sense of humour. Things jumped on me. Dad gets married soon. Have I really let go of the pain?

Oh...additionally, just a minor thing...what is YOUR purpose in my life? I fear for my girlfriend, I am hugely dissatisfied with my church and I hate the majority of my friends around me. What do You want with me?

Yes, fed up is the general sentiment here...not fed up of the Lord God almighty, who was and is and is to come, made of the Father, Spirit and Son, each of whom are God in and of themselves...I am not sick of You, God. I am tired of my own life...please...take this happiness I know and make me love You more.

This happiness leaves a bitter taste in my mouth...

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