V - the story of: tear
Thursday, September 11, 2008

« tear »

Spiderman. What an awesome superhero. Why he remains at the top of my fictional, comic book hero isn't because of the suit, the flexibility and versatility of his powers or even his hot girlfriend. It's because he still remains as the most empathetic character out of the lot. The Green Lantern? Erm...glowing green, ability to fly and shoot things from a ring? Don't really think that's easy to identify with. Superman? Yeah right. Too much power. Batman? Amazing...but so dark. Vash the Stampede? Hm...whole new different level of species and interspecies war and conflict there.

Granted, films make Spiderman seem a lot more accessible, since Directors are allowed to reveal the niggly bits of the hero's life, which affect him considerably in all situations. But that's a good insight to helping us understand that Peter Parker is a geeky guy, who doesn't really deserve it, but has been granted this incredible biophysical enhancement of having heightened reflexes, strength several times greater than his own and the ability to sense danger when it's near. Yet, pride doesn't consume him, since revealing his face means his family is in danger of being used as negating pawns by his enemies. It means his actions go largely uncommended, even blasted at because he is an easy scapegoat by the media. So, despite possessing such responsbility and power, he has to work his ass off as a delivery boy to earn his rent for his...humble flat.

Right now, I am stagnating within a snapshot of heroics and burden.

If you have seen the film, you may remember that Spiderman had to stop a train speeding away at full pelt, without brakes. He tried to stop it using his feet and friction, but wasn't far off tearing his knee ligaments from the force. He comes to the solution of spraying lots of individual strands along the buildings and grasping them all in bunches in each hand, using his body as the train stopper, whilst the web acted as an elastic oppositional force. He ends up collapsing after it stops, from the massive exertion of energy and strain on his supernaturally enhanced body.

And I feel like that. Torn apart by this thing that rips and shreds me up from inside. This train wreck that flies at breakneck speed, just rushing me away. And I grasp and clench onto my girlfriend, my family, church, my friends for dear, dear life. The strain continues to build up, shreddding and flaying every bit of me, till I do not want to wake to face the world. I am pulling these bunches of my life together as hard as possible, drawing them as close to me as possible, yet this thing continues to drive a valley through my heart like a dagger. I scream and push people away so my flailing limbs, hostile comments and attitude do not burn, hurt, scathe or damage. I scream at myself because I find it overly difficult to hold on. By my strength, I feel each tendon strain and emotional veins slowly bulging until they bleed out everything I have...

"To love you, take my world apart"

Is what Jars of Clay cry out to the Lord, so that He would have His way with them, that the inheritance of God, through Jesus Christ, would pour out to us.

I'm trying to pull harder, but I am going to collapse any second. I feel like I've been so torn apart, that any detail of my existence would be hard to find. My feet stay in the boat, whilst this storm rages on, where land cannot be seen for miles and the sky seems to enclose on me, in nature's hateful rage. I don't think I can go on.

So I pull out of my role in youth group. I feel I need to take a step back. Or...I need to let go. And just collapse and wait for His hands to catch me. To remember that God is not confined to a situation. That God is not finite and mortal, so is not restrained by the constricts as I can see, but will use every situation for the better. To wait for the comfort that I am NOT a harmful person. That I am of some worth. That I can be useful. That my life isn't a waste. That I will not be reduced to ash and minute specks of dust. That His plans ARE for the greater future and I have hope. That I'll be...

Ok.

So...I break down. And well before this train is about to stop.

I let go.

V

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