V - the story of: burden
Monday, December 24, 2007

« burden »

It is Christmas Eve.

It only occurred to me that I don't know what I'm doing tonight.

The TV blares
The computers grumble

And I'm sat in front of a laptop, blogging.

I guess we're quite disjointed at the moment, as a family. Brother aggravates the computer, whilst Dad absorbs the noise of digital entertainment.

I have a heavy heart.

That I need to be a certain way...that I need to be moulded in a certain way...in order to fit into certain criteria as society suggests...as individuals suggests...as organisations suggests...as 6:13 dictates...suddenly, I feel so cramped. That I can't make a joke anymore. That I can't find joy in what I find joy in. The way I talk must change, because it's not enough/not expected. How I cut my hair isn't suitable or isn't acceptable. The clothes I wear aren't fashionable enough to represent church or the university. How often I spend somewhere in one time is too long. How MATURE I am; I need to be always sensible, always calm, always focused, never laughing, never joyful, never distracted, never me. I just don't know who I am anymore...who am I Jesus, if I'm supposed to be found in You, yet I'm not living up to these expectations of people, church, university, or others?

There must be more than what I know. I get the nagging feeling again...the instinctive knowledge that I'm putting God in His holy box...no matter how big or small it is, I subconsciously place Him there, due to what I have previously experienced.

Do I not have enough faith, to see big things happen? Do I need to do more? Do I need to do less? I have no idea about balance right now...in terms of learning and serving...even though both are a life long act of worship...or even any other ingredient involved in this big mix I know by "my walk with God".

I asked my Dad before "when have you seen a miracle in your life...impossible, against the odds incident?"

"Myself." he replied. "That I could come to know Him and that I am accepted, despite whatever I have done and said in the past. That He called my name three times and wants to know me and love me that much...myself. It's not about miracles. He's not bound by time, space and occassion. He works as He will. It's about the relationship."

And suddenly, the one thing I yearn so pitifully and so urgently for, was suddenly answered, in such a small way. That I could receive knowledge and wisdom from my parent. Even if it wasn't my mum, my dad is still my parent. And now I know I can approach him to ask.

And that I miss His voice. To just rest in His presence...and hear what He wants for me. I think I need to take my mind off of all the things that weigh me...my knee, my ankle, my studies, my future career, 6:13, church, how to grow, how to speak into people's lives, responding at the right times and creating the opportunities, how to speak to my family...just so many things...so overwhelming...yet, I want to just love Him more...

The heart of worship. There must be more.

V

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