V - the story of: Fighter
Saturday, January 20, 2007

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Here we go again.

Exams over and done with - BY THE GRACE OF GOD, I managed to pull through! I didn't start revising until...monday night/tuesday? I guess i haven't really been worrying about that; what HAS been stuck in my head is a little thing.

Social psychology, psychopathology and health psychology was on yesterday. That was very fun, I have to admit. When you look back on previous material, it leaps at you and starts etching into your brain. Ideas start flying around then when your head is opened up to these theories and foundations of psychology about people and everything. Being tested on it was cool, cause for once I recognised most of what the questions asked....Ok I admit, it was multiple choice, so shoot me?We're first years; cut some slack! Whinging aside, that one was ok. HOWEVER, Stats...now that was a good laugh. I managed to stay up all night trying to digest some of the theories, where numbers arise from, go to and end up as. Didn't happen of course, I decided to submerge myself in Old Boy manga and Street Fighter comics - by the way, the graphics on Street Fighter are gorgeous!! I deviate - carrying on. I managed to just...get through it! Looking up doesn't mean turning to God when you're in times of despair; Looking up means when you need something from God, make sure you're spending as much time as you can with Him in every aspect! Whether it be thankgiving, worship, prayer, studying his Word, questioning things AS WELL AS struggling. God is good; there's no doubt about that!

Spent a few sleepless nights this week just wondering and drifting around the notion of whether I'm fulfilling my *role* in God's kingdom. Am I where I'm supposed to be? Even so, am I doing what I was made for? Furthermore, WHAT exactly am I supposed to do? There was one sermon that was delivered, which incited this line of thought. It was based on Matthew 2:1-18. Uncle Kim (pastor) basically said that Herod tried everything, within his power, to preventthe rise of Jesus. Why? - because he KNEW what was going to happen, but he wanted to stop that because Herod's ambitions got the better of him. The result? He died. Anyways, the point is that we shouldn't run from our role God planned for us. So it set me off on wondering. I think I have been fighting slightly against what God has in store for me. The first semester saw me football crazy; playing everyday except sundays. This lasted like, a month. That was mentally draining, but my fitness was through the roof. Two hours everyday and I didn't mind it at all. Just living for the moment, I guess. I was consumed by this desire to become better, but this was definately for personal gain, so I could impress everyone who I played with/for and rise up the career ladder. That didn't get anywhere, so I got angry. However, who am I to interfere with God's plans? I now realise my folly in raving off in my own direction and just driving myself to improve, when God may not have plans for the football at all? Fundamentally, I'm now SO glad for football and that I can utilise these limbs in their rapid dance and be able to appreciate the skill required to control or drive a ball somewhere. Who am I to push something where it's not supposed to?

I realised that I like to pick up a challenge. The extent of that statement isn't far; I won't go for something I don't think I can do. It might sound obvious but you have some ambitious people who like to go anywhere and try anything. Their limit is the sky, I guess. When I pick my fights, I think I'm pretty tenacious. I won't let go until I think I've done enough. I got an A in chemistry A level, when i was predicted a C after my AS. At the moment, I'm fighting to stay faithful to God. 1 Corinthians 10:13 - "And God is faithful". However, just how faithful are we to God?

I know a lot of the time, I'm a when-I-need-it christian. Dad called me at like, stupid- am sometime in the week and was talking to me about just how well do you know God? In my usual nonchalance I just grunted and agreed, tired and dispassionate. It hit me though, because Dad has never spoken much about God over the phone. We're made in the image of God, so just how much of God can people see in us? Do they see Vincent, over analytical, temperamental, passionate, impulsive and rude, or do they see Vincent, who's living for God? But how fierce is the internal war within each of us, when we want to live irresponsibly and capriciously? I know that I fight a lot, when it shouldn't really be that way. We're supposed to hold onto God, rather than constantly choosing what might be better in the short run. A folly of people is how everyone is myopic to an extent to everything, often the future. Ah well...it's hard to be perfect; I'll leave that up to God. Right now, I guess I'm learning to just...be still and know what's important, what's worth being a priority. Before, I was running to stand still. Paradoxical, I know, but it doesn't work...everything will not just catch up, but engulf you in a sea of fiery passion, emotion, guilt, regret and everything else that comes with leaving a part of you, undealt with, in the past. I guess that's what happend to me. So I've learnt that staying close to God really means much more than just turning up to church, singing a few songs, let your eyes drift over the bible and praying a short prayer on how good your food is. It means giving up your ambitions and desires. Maybe as humans, we were genetically coded to instigate conflict, mental, emotional or physical, but being a CHRISTIAN means being different. It means peace is our strongest weapon; love for all is not an archaic sentiment that should remain to those who want to. Faith is our shield, and Salvation is our helmet. We are much stronger than we realise, as individuals. In a group, it's easy to deindividuate, conform to the norms of whoever you're with and lose yourself in a fury of wayward thoughts and actions, but your strength goes beyond that. As an individual, we can take down anything. You had David, a boy just starting puberty, took down a fully grown man, whose collossal strength equalled a few normal men and whose size was improportianate amongst humans - David took him down not with a nuke (although that would've been possible) but with faith and what God gave him, specifically, his skills as a shephard and defending his sheep.

Abraham, after many years of worn patience, God gave Abraham his son, only to apparently take it away. Without doubt, Abraham was torn and throbbing with a burrowing pain that knew no end, but Abraham KNEW God has his plan, even if it wasn't clearcut to us. Abraham accepted God wanted to breach his promise in the form of his son, by taking Isaac from him. Everyone knows NOW, but put yourself in Abraham's shoes and let's see how empathetic you are; give up everything God has promised you, for something you don't know in return. It's a lucky draw.

This just smacked me on the nose like a hardbacked book - prove your faith to God, as he has shown his faith in you. Give up your ambitions, desires and grudges, and fresh person with different insignias, align yourself with God's will. Note that it's not a fact or a subtle request; it's an imperative. It's a challenge. And it's an exciting one. Give up everything, so God can give you something more. What did God give Abraham for risking his son? The fulfiment of his promise, which was to make Abraham into a great nation. David's reward at the risk of getting absolutey smashed in by a giant? Wealth, prosperity, authority and greatness as a King. Did they know it at the time? No.

So this is just what was raging through my head, paraphrased. I'm dog tired, so I can't type much more. I just know God is great and that I've got to live for God properly, instead of having one foot on his path, and the other foot walking its own way. It's not about me, but it's about God. Central lights on the Almighty One, please! Yes mate =D.

It has also been really encouraging to get back to talking times with Thomas again aka Tomps. I have a great brother who I can confide in for prayer. Ultimately, we both point towards God. I think one of God's greatest blessings is to put me next door to someone who has such passion for God. Although he's in London at the moment, it doesn't stop us from just sharing how great he is. Awesome. His baptism was a truly special time. He had a tumultuous week, questioning faith and the reasoning behind it, but in the end, I think he showed people the foundation of his faith, especially his parents. I don't know why I mention him =p. He's just a very special person to me at this moment in time.

Well. I have a new challenge to take up. Step one would involve me being still inside, just letting the presence of God resonate in my life and acknowledge Him. That's done. Step two would be slowly letting down all my ambitions and desires. That's where I'm at. It's a hard stage, but I've given my football over to God. Yay.

Semester two awaits!! Bring it on!!

Uni. It'll either make or break you.
V

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