V - the story of

ambition

2010-11-20T19:32:00.002+01:00

I used to be ambition was dangerous. I thought it was like a weed that would always creep up the healthy roots of normal life, such as daily interaction with friends, going out together and enjoying ourselves. Ambition, to me, was the spark in a sales person's eyes, or the sweat on a musicians brow. The muscles twitching in athletes.

Then I realised how ambitious I've been recently, with things that aren't actually all that important.

And when it came to try and fulfil my ambition, it just failed because I was reaching too high.

One of my worst fears is not becoming what I could be. But I guess I shouldn't over estimate what I can be.

ashamed

2010-04-24T14:48:00.004+01:00

This time for the alphabet - A. A for ashamed.

a·shamed (-shmd)adj.

1. Feeling shame or guilt: Are you ashamed for having lied?

2. Feeling inferior, inadequate, or embarrassed: ashamed of my torn coat.

This concept of feeling ashamed has been rolling around my mind for a while. I have been trying to grapple with the idea of shame and what circumstances I'm usually put in, to feel shame.

Being Chinese, the first cultural topic of shame is achievement...more explicitly, success. Praise God that I have decent GCSE, A Level and University results. It's second nature to compare your child's results and achievements besides someone else's, for pride and for security, perhaps? You gain respect for having success...people look up to you.

So being in a Chinese church...we're called to be counter cultural...yet it feels even worse when your seniors come up to you and ask "do you have a job? Why not? Why don't you become a doctor? Why don't you do X, Y and Z?". Rain down, shame.

As a young Christian, we are encouraged to not be ashamed; to speak to our friends about Jesus and His redemptive works on the cross and how much He loves us.

I categorically did NOT speak to my friends about Jesus, because of shame.

It's basic stuff...what I'm sure every Bible reading, God fearing, Jesus loving Christian knows, Jesus commands us and instructs us to go to every nation to make disciples; to spread the good news.

Yet I find it more and more difficult as I grow older...not necessarily growing in maturity. Rather, I find myself receding in my relationship, when I can love God and praise Him behind closed doors, yet not share of His great love to other people.

Even blogging. I feel ashamed to blog, after developing relationships with so many people, I have lost my passion to blog, because I feel embarrassed and hypocritical to share anything...I don't know who reads it and I feel shame from posting my feelings for people to see...I have held back my courage to be vulnerable to the world, because I am scared I will get hurt. Quite simply, I am scared to get hurt, because someone somewhere will think, feel and say something that will not rest well with me...not that I am the centre of THE universe...just the centre of mine...=)

So, carrying this (bad) attitude of holding everything back from the world and my friends, I go to yNEEC's leader meeting. I speak to Becky Fong, Liverpool youth group's long suffering, patient and loving leader for close to a decade. I pop her the professional, superficial, what was intended to be HARMLESS question, "how are you?"

...to which she responded:
"How am I? Hm well...I was made redundant, so I have no job...I'm a 30 year old living at home with my parents...I can't speak Cantonese...but it's ok, because I have Christ in me".

I was completely taken aback; I didn't expect her to be so blunt and, more explicitly, vulnerable. The way she worded her situation was completely counter cultural...just very straightforward and to end it, she finished by saying that because Christ is in her, it is ok. Not because of a financial promise to see her through until she finds a job, or because she can take a quick course to refine her Cantonese, or not even because she will be moving out soon with some friends and show her independance. Rather, she said it is because Jesus Christ lives in her, that she can face the world and it will be ok. The cliche, blase phrase that we're so used to hearing suddenly made sense in a whole new light.

I had forgotten about salvation and about how much Jesus loves us and how much God will give us. Thrown into a world where we're called to be independant and it's demanded that we are accountable to everything, sorting out own finances, accommodation, family life and work commitments, we only find we're ok when we meet the needs of the world.

Yet I had forgotten that it's ok to be in a shameful position, all because Christ is with us. I was really broken by this thought that I had relied on other things, mainly myself, and completely neglected that Jesus' grace means we will somehow be all right.

Ashamed. I am not ashamed of the gospel, because it is the power of God for the salvation of everyone who believes - Paul says.

I really want to keep blogging. I have felt ashamed and sometimes lonely, when I go about my business and receive no encouragement for anything I do. The common concept is that leaders are self sufficient, relying on other means that don't involve you.

But the truth is, I am scared, often of what people think (obv shouldn't be the case) and I need a lot of encouragement.

But I am not ashamed to come out of my shell, to just show that I am human too. Regardless of talent and giftings, I am still fleshy and poor and weak. I am not ashamed to say I love Jesus, because He loved me.

I am ashamed to say I don't show the same love to other people, because of how cold they are to me. I am ashamed to say that I shun certain crowds and forge stereotypes in my head to fit individuals.

But it's ok, because Christ is in me, and I will emulate Christ.

I guess I will try to blog more often...but I'll need rethinking on what my blog is for and what do I mean to do with this.

I guess until next time,

Peace,

V

hm...

2010-01-23T23:47:00.002+01:00

...is the title of this post because my mind's just chewing over some things.

For example, why is there the suffering in Haiti? Furthermore, how amazing is it that people band together to help rebuild the community, thanks to George Clooney and crew.

Also, what is my purpose? Future...what a scary word it is now. Especially since I haven't sorted it out yet.

What struck me was that in Student Fellowship on Thursday, I led worship...and afterwards, the bible study leader decided everyone should encourage each other, so we scrawled on pieces of paper taped to people's backs.

I had low expectations, since no one really knows me and I wasn't too sure what they'd write.

Surprisingly, I was encouraged, without reading too deeply into the meaning behind some of them.

For one, "You did a great job in song leading today!" Also, "Thanks for encouragement during exam period! God bless :) xoxo". In particular, "It's great that you've been serving God so passionately! Keep it up!" And a favourite - "Stop copying my hairstyle!"

While most of these are hard to guess, I think I'm encouraged by what people can say to you when given the chance.

Which leads me to realizing I don't have that many friends in SF.

But things change. It's a new year right?

long term goal

2010-01-13T16:58:00.002+01:00

I was at the Job Centre Plus for a Back to Work session, stage 2...

It's a one on one interview where they individually review your case, looking at your aspirations and realistic job applications.

After our brief exchange, the lady told me that I was obviously lost about what to do and to get any job for now, that'll be 16+ hours and concentrate the rest of my time on my long term goals. She was a nice enough lady, as far as personalities go. But I think I have to hesitantly agree with what she said.

I was reading on up on Delirious and where the inspiration for songs came from, right from the horses' mouths!

In particular, I felt encouraged by Martin Smith's response and encouragement when talking about the song History Maker. I'm going to type out the whole passage, just to show you how amazing God is.

When Jesus came to Earth as a child, no one could have ever imagined the impact He would have had on His culture and on the lives of billions of people in the ages to come.

The question has been asked, Can anyone reawlly change anything today? Is this it? Do we fit into the system and culture we livei n-just see it through till we leave this planet?

The answer we all know is no. But still, we're afraid of the challenges and sacrifice involved in being a part of that change.

It's much easier to sit back and let everyone else do ti. Jesus proved that it can be done (admittedly it helped a little that He was the Son of God!). But He had to lay His life down at the cross to achieve the most radical change the planet has ever seen or will see. He gave humanity the chance to have eternal life-tobe set free from sin and our selfishness that separates us from God Himself. He showedd us that we don't earn salvation by following a set of rules but by friendship, surrender and commitment to Someone we love.

When we talk about making history, Jesus was the ultimate example of this. Our job is to identify in our culture what needs changing and then make that change, acting as the hand of Christ in whatever situation we find ourselves. It could be sticking up for someone at school whom everyone ridicules, or lobbying government regarding changing laws on pornography.

A friend of mine from Australia, Mark Zschech, is a modern-day history maker because he sees what needs changing and does something about it. n 1994 there was a mass genocide in Rwanda as 800,000 people were killed in a 100-day period, although the rest of the world was ignorant of this atrocity. While visintg Rwanda in 2006, he and his wife, Darlene, decided to do something to help the nation still struggling with its own grief. They mobilized their church and thousands around the world to bring hope in that place of despair. For 100 days, foreign doctors taught local doctors how to perform heart surgery; craftsmen built new houses for widows and orphans; musicians sang a new song of deliverance. These people brought about change, real change,stuff you read about in books about heroes of ages past-but this was 2006! The church was being the Church, showing the love of Jesus.

This ordinary guy with an extraordinary belief in God's ability to do miracles encourages me to believe the same, to think bigger, to believe more, to genuinely believe that we, the Church of Jesus Christ, cahn change this world. Why? Because His church is still the most active and passionate people group that exists-and the reason it exists is not for its own gain but to bring light to the world. The church is an army of volunteers who live for a higher purpose. I love Luke 4:18-19: "The spirit of the Lord is upon me, because he has anointed me to preach good news to the poor. He has sent me to proclaims freedom for the prisoners and recovery of sight for the lblind, to release the oppressed, to proclaim the year of the Lord's favor."

I want to be a history maker has been a phrase that many have sung with passion and is one of the older songs (1995) that we still sing every night we play. We joke sometimes that this tune just won't go away! I first wrote the song as the heart cry of a young man with his life in front of him, a prayer to my Maker to use me in whatever way He saw fit. In my mind, I had grand thoughts of wanting to be part of the biggest band in the world.

Life never turns out exactly as you'd expect. Ten years into my music career, the passion is teh same, but I've changed my perspective on what a history maker is. It's not all about the big stuff, about being famous-although that is great. True history makers are those who walk humbly before their God and do whatever He asks. I know many believers who quietly serve God in a radical way, yet they will never receive any recognition. Stil, they faithfully see their mission through to the end.

The key is not how fast you run the race but whether or not you finish. I once thought that being a famous band was making history, but now I realize it's more important to be faithful to my wife, to stay married and to see my children become the makerse of history in the future. Don't get me wrong- like the song says, I want to be part of changing the course of millions of lives, of seeing the blind set free and dead men rise and witnessingnations turn back to Jesus. But I'll play whatever part God asks of me.

Each of us is only one small piece of the jigsaw puzzle-and we all must get beyond ourselves to get in God's big picture. Speaking truth to all mankind must be our mission, whether on a big or small scale. We must remember that we all have our spheres of influence-we're all part of God's history-making team.

I'm glad this song never goes away, as it reminds us every night what we're here for. I personally have cried many tears in many nations when I've seen people's faces in the crowd light up when they know God is cherring them on. The great cloud of witnesses is watching and waiting, for today is the day. Let's get busy changing the world!

-----

So I'm left here, pondering on Martin's words. After listening to History Maker, I got a grasp of what he was saying...the dark mood at the beginning by the militant, steady riff of the synth, the pulsating bass. A bit of celtic U2, with overlapping delay and light distortion...but actually, the theme of being a History Maker.

If I was honest, it's not my goal right now. I never thought I was able to be so big. But thinking about what Martin said...I was born a History Maker, wherever I am and wherever I go.

Then I struggle with this issue of pride...well, if I'm a history maker, I must be famous and powerful. Being famous in itself doesn't bother me, but then I have the issue that God will exalt.

Then I realize the focus is all wrong. It's about my exalting God in whatever I do. That I will be the hands and feet of Jesus Christ wherever I can. Whether or not I'm famous is irrelevant, because I echo what Galatians 1:10 says.

Am I now trying to win the approval of men, or of God? Or am I trying to please men? If I were still trying to please men, I would not be a servant of Christ.

So yes...I am a bit lost. But with more focus at the same time. I don't know what to do, yet I know I was born a history maker and to bring change wherever I go. More importantly...less of me and more of Him...that's really humbling.

So, I guess I'm going to wait for God. Patiently or not is another blog post probably...

OTT

2010-01-08T15:24:00.002+01:00

OTT - b. over the limit; excessive(ly); lacking restraint or a sense of proportion

I texted a friend recently. I asked him how he was and how was his situation right now. I really admire him because of his aspirations and for who he is. I haven't known him a long time, but I warmed up to him. I haven't spoken to him in a while, so I thought I'd drop by. But no reply.

The same response, as when I last tried to contact him. No reply.

The first time, I thought...perhaps he's busy. I don't know his timetable very well. Maybe he's a really busy guy at this hour; he'll call back later," I assumed. So I tried again. But no reply.

I recently found a primary school friend, who didn't stray too far from Manchester herself. I was excited to find her on Facebook and found out she lived with my old high school friend at university. Shocked and happily surprised by the odd chances of them meeting, I logged on and found her on Facebook. I asked her how she was and what she was up to, hoping we'd actually catch up. We were never close in primary school, but I guess I was excited to meet someone I knew so long ago.

There was no reply.

So questions buzzed in my head...maybe my internet connection breaks when they want to message back...maybe my phone doesn't function well and exclusively stops their texts. Maybe they don't want to talk. To me.

I hang on that thought for moments too long.

Why do they not want to talk? I thought we were on good terms.

Flashing through previous conversations and meetings like a portfolio, I desperately try to find anomolies or awkward moments, times when I convey myself not in the right light or said the wrong thing. But from my perspective, it's eternally flawed; I'll never know until I speak with them and find out.

Problem is, it's one way traffic.

So I guess I wait for a response.

I'm sad.

listen

2009-12-10T16:09:00.003+01:00

My greatest fear of sharing with people isn't that my words won't come out right. My fear isn't that I'll come across as arrogant, or selfish. My fear isn't that someone butt into the conversation.

My fear is that amidst all the noise in the world, my friend's problems and the person listening to me carrying their own burdens, there will be no room for me.

I feel that it is infinitely easier to say than sit still. I believe it's easier to act and just throw something at people hoping it'll make sense to them and your almighty wisdom will cure my situation. When you don't know how I feel and just bunch me into a generic category of "other people"; the great stereotype of all psychologists is the act of grouping...you're either a type A madman, or type B and there's no individual difference at all. I don't feel like an individual; I don't feel of any worth at all. But there is no one to hear my story.

My greatest fear is that I won't be heard.

My greatest fear is that I will be put down when I try to tell someone something.

So I hide back in my shell for a while.

victorious

2009-11-08T02:06:00.002+01:00

Task: The alphabet; each letter represents a characteristic of God. Name each letter for a characteristic of God that you know/have experienced.

I quickly scan over and instinctively find myself at the letter "V"; V being the first letter of my name, maybe it's a spiritual home and one that I'll always be inclined to look at.

And then, immediately, the word screams at me like a raging Gospel choir, who have warmed up, who are encouraged, unstoppable and completely surrendered to God's will:

VICTORIOUS!!

fault

2009-09-27T00:15:00.002+01:00

There are many things wrong with us. The strangest thing is that God designed us to be perfect in His eyes, yet we are subjected to parading wherever we go with these fake masks of mediocrity, impartiality and a pleasant demeanour.

Unfortunately, I SUCK at pretending to be ok. I hate pretending that everything is fine. It's shallow, it's a lie to myself and I need to show that I don't agree with something. It doesn't justify any irrational actions done in the heat of the moment. But I definitely don't hide it when I am upset at something/someone.

I hate it when people let me down, or when you place your trust within and individual, just to have them turn around and fail you. Again. And again.

I hate forgiving someone, but having to bear that person's bitterness and anger towards you whilst holding any recrimination and rebuke firmly behind your gritted teeth.

I hate it when people bitch about you in FRONT of you and drag you down into this box, thinking that you are "immature", "incapable", "weird". I hate these labels and this stereotype of mould.

I hate bitterness and the way it grinds you down the more you try to run from it...and the more you get close, the more you are sucked into this empty feeling.

I hate a lot of stuff.

But I love it when Jesus covers all of that for us.

I love it when God reminded Paul and reminded us that his grace is sufficient for us.

I love it when we are reminded by Yahweh Himself that we are so weak and brittle, but on eagles wings we will soar because of the hope we have in Him.

I love it when I learn how to see the beauty in people, rather than attack the mouldy, dark bits that confront me whenever I am close to them.

I love it that my relationship with God is never interrupted by other people and if it is, God WANTS to solve it, rather than let it slide for a bit...

I love God for creating perfect humans, who break themselves, yet fixes us up again for whatever fault we have fabricated. We're not broken. We're not useless and without aim. We don't have only a single goal to achieve before our expiry date. We have an eternal life with this fixer, redeemer and lover after this mess.

I love the fact that God loves me.

Class adjourned. You may go home now. Remember to re read John 3:16 again, children! Learn that God loves you all the time!

Sorry. The mind spoke aloud.

So yeah. I love that Jesus loves me. Even if I do have a mole in between my fingers!

encourage

2009-09-20T08:23:00.004+01:00

Today was the first time that I was encouraged by God's word in a long time, because it was so personal and so comforting.

Ezekiel 36:25-27
Then I will sprinkle clean water on you, and you shall be clean; I will cleanse you from all your filthiness and from all your idols. I will give you a new heart and put a new spirit within you; I will take the heart of stone out of your flesh and give you a heart of flesh. I will put My Spirit within you and cause you to walk in My statutes, and you will keep My judgments and do them.

A prophecy by Ezekiel, who spreads the message that God will repair the damage done in us. When we will no longer suffer from Adam and Eve's mistakes, but be reconciled with God through Jesus Christ. His Spirit will dwell in us and we will be refreshed, keeping to His commandments and obeying His will.

I was encouraged simply because I've felt so dry for a while. The works have become greater than my faith and I have high expectations of everything and everyone. My perspective became skewed and I was struggling to keep myself together. But God reminded me today that He gave me His spirit, so that I don't have to struggle alone. When I need advice or need console, I can look to Yahweh, my maker, creater and lover.

But I have to stay in His presence, so that His promises would come to me. I have to seek His Kingdom, before I can receive the benefits. It doesn't always just fall into my lap, as if deserved. Rather, it is God's grace that we can be in His presence and in His Kingdom.

But then again, God's grace rocks my world...

worship?

2009-09-03T19:35:00.003+01:00

So it's come to this.

When I'm down and out and everything is terrible, with contracts being signed bearing unknowing consequences and necessary contracts not appearing, work life comes to a halt. Love life is a struggle because I don't feel I can support her, I don't listen or care about her. I have no passion. I have no motivation. I am in a pit and I am in "the dark place", where so many of us tend to find ourselves. Jobless, broke, no direction and no potential, no value in the world, no friends to rely on...it's a grim picture that I splash on the canvas.

Before you spare a moment of sympathy, and consider leaving a word of encouragement, let me ask you one vital question: do you NEED a reason to encourage someone else? Do you treat someone according to their product? Do you say "well done! keep it up!" like a master to a well trained dog, if they do what they were supposed to? And as logic follows, do you then berate them if they do it wrong; "YOU'RE USELESS!" The question stands; do you NEED a reason to encourage someone?

The verb "to encourage" stems from the Hebrew word "chazaq", of which has many meanings along the lines of to strengthen, prevail, be strong, become strong, be courageous, be firm, grow firm and many others. To strengthen someone else, to help them become strong, or help them prevail. Giving them the courage to grow and become firm.

Luke 4:18 - Jesus was teaching in synagogues and it was prophesised that the poor will hear the good news, the oppressed will taste freedom. Blind will see and deaf will hear. All because Jesus was encouraging and teaching people he didn't know.

Phillipians 4:8 - encourage others to think Godly, wholesome subjects and love the Lord always.

2 Thessalonians 2:17 - encourage our hearts, strengthening us in every good work and deed. Just as God gives us courage and hope, shouldn't we also strengthen our brothers and sisters?

I've listed a few things here. I feel there is a distinct lack of encouragement in my life.

I've said enough. Time to slump back into the shadows again.

i hate you. but love him. kind of jealous of him...

2009-07-13T23:55:00.003+01:00

Just spewing random crap.

Is it wrong to embody a particular abstract feeling in a person? We do it all the time with people we know, or people we don't personally know very well...

Example: John Smith...man, I really don't get along with him. I feel that he is so weird and antisocial. When I talk to him, he doesn't talk directly to me, but just shrugs me off. Almost like, he has no social skills whatsoever. A very unpleasant man indeed.

In fact, even easier when we think of our *special someone*...these people are usually carry positive associations of affect when we think of them, such as "caring, loving, kind, gentle, selfless, sacrificial"...

Does it distort our thinking? Does it limit our world as we know it?

I have my thoughts.

aimless

2009-07-06T00:52:00.002+01:00

...is how I'd optimistically describe my situation right now. Not much going down in church...not much going on academic wise, now that's I've graduated...and career wise needs to be worked form scratch.

Graduated. Doesn't really phase me...I guess I have a few good memories of the past few years...people I met and stuff. Hung around the same group over the past few years, to be honest, but it's cool with me. The word "graduation" just means it's time to conform and start busting your ass...doesn't signify any notable achievement, reflect your friendly characteristic traits or demonstrate any abilities and talents you have...you walk away with a piece of paper and know that you've got a life to start moulding now. It's a pretty boring, sad affair to be honest. I feel no more intelligent, mature (f*ck that concept) or happy since graduating...

Ceremony will be on the 16th. I wonder what I'll do. Who will employ me and what menial task I'll be assigned to on the basis I'm being racially discriminated, too illiterate or something else preventing me from getting a job I'd like.

So, how do I describe this physical and mental state of mine?

Lethargic.

2009-06-20T23:08:00.002+01:00

So graduation is staring me in the face. It's over and done with.

And the past few weeks have been more eventful than the whole three years.

I am concerned about my sister. She continues to remain an enigma to me, one of those boxes you can't open, just look at from a distance. I get closer, but I never get to see what's she really feeling. I worry for her. I seethe in anger when she lies to me with the same damned cliche that's second nature to our tongues; "I'm fine", or variation of that could be "I'm ok".

I wonder how she is.

My family is messed up. I wonder how do I fit into this new structure. Lord help us all...

Relationship with God? Well, pretty bad actually. I treat Him like piss. Controversial? Try truth. Am I proud? Huh, do I get support?

The future is bright. The future is - cut -

Insert - a barefaced lie - I was told the other day I'm a product of this society. Wow. Deep. No autonomy or individual thinking there. You're a sheep. They groomed you to think, act and speak this way. Oh, by the way, no offense.

I'm not offended by the statement, as much as I am by the underlying meaning. Am I really?

Today I was told I'm really immature. I can either reply with a frank "f*ck you" as I'm accustomed to nowadays, or I can come to grips with it.

Support. I yearn for it. However, do I really need it? Do I need it from the people I look to?

Who wants to support this big f*cking ball of anger that I've become anyway. I'm moving more and more into a nihilistic perspective, putting on lead shoes and pitch black sunglasses. Maybe I am immature. Maybe maturity ISN'T a social convention and due to the indoctrination, maybe I am just a big joke. Haha. After the laughs, it's pretty empty.

Ok, I've dealt with those issues. Now what.

gravity

2009-05-10T22:34:00.003+01:00

So when the situation is heavy. And you have been bearing the weight all this time, waiting for a shift in balance, the other person carrying their end of the bargain.

But it hasn't happened.

It didn't happen then...so you persevere. You pray and pray, you seek God and look for wisdom in everything you do. You hope that things will change, to fill this emptiness that this person has left after their detrimental construction work, cementing their place in your heart. But the empty grows ever bigger.

And you leap at joy at the slightest hint of improvements. Just to be set back two steps when nothing changes. Might get worse.

So Atlas. The world is still on your shoulders. But what do you do?

The weight is still there.

pleasing to you

2009-04-30T16:47:00.001+01:00

Pleasing To You - Desperation Band

Sanctify me
Clean out my closet
Take away anything
That is not pleasing to You

Purify me
Destroy all my anger
Wash away everything
That is not pleasing to You

I will be white as snow
I will be pure as gold
Jesus my heart must know
I'm pleasing to You

I give my life my all
Taking the cross I will follow
Jesus my heart must know
I'm pleasing to You

Sanctify me
You are the light to guide me
To the place where I am
Only pleasing to You

Oh come and Purify me Lord
I need your light inside me
So the darkness flees
And I can be pleasing to You

desert song

2009-03-17T01:42:00.006+01:00

God, I find it hard to stay with You. I don't want to go on anymore...

But I know this is the road You want me to keep walking. You know my heart...and You know how I have turned into a ball of anger.

I want to be able to say that "All of my life, in every season You are still God and I have a reason to worship." Despite everything You've done for me, I still pull out these self centred excuses.

I really want to give up. I want every single person to give up on me. But Lord...it is Your nature to be faithful.

The hardest thing and the right things are usually the same...so I find it hard to return to You, yet I am so thirsty, it's what I need.

Lord, I am yet again reminded, in this self fueled battle that rages on, that Your grace is sufficient...

I want to be done with all the self pity, or hating and hurting people. Give me a heart bigger than I can handle, or ever imagined.

Give me humility.

change

2009-03-08T05:48:00.004+01:00

Lord. I'm so humbled.

Please forgive me for how I think and how I have reacted. Please put back my heart.

Because my head hurts and I don't really know anymore. I'm in the eye of the hurricane, where only a nudge and I'll be ripped me into the vortex of life. I don't know what to do.

I'm sorry for looking down on all those people I have looked down on. I apologize for pride, which never left the door. I'm sorry for deceit. I want to lay a lot at Your feet.

I have these words ringing in my ears. Please make it stop.

Happiness feels a lot like sorrow
Let it be, you can’t make it come or go

Happiness damn near destroys you
Breaks your faith to pieces on the floor
So you tell yourself, that’s probably enough for now
Happiness has a violent roar

Happiness is like the old man told me
Look for it, but you’ll never find it all

[The Fray - Happiness]
[The Fray]

This line is so blurred. Happiness, this "feeling" within our "consciousness", which manifests in biophysical reactions, the wrinkles in my eyes and the indents of our cheeks when we laugh and produce these strangely amiable sounds. And then all of a sudden, when we lose focus on the sight of our joy, we are quickly habitualised and happiness suddenly blurs into sorrow.

Then I hide back in my fortress of lies, where I am the centre of my universe. I feel You poking at my transparent veil, which I adamantly monitor and maintain daily, hourly, by the minute and second, in order to sustain reign on my life, so I know where I'm heading.

And when it crumbles, I am so, so scared. I peak outside and my eyes have a visual buffet, feasting on whatever they see and my mind crashing against my skull, trying to understand and process this new world; they bleed from overstimulation and I withdraw. Yet the image is etched in my head; Lord, You are the centre of the universe. And I'm so small here.

And things happen so fast. I still need that hand to hold. Dad gets married. I graduate. My family grows distant. I worry for my friends. I hate some people who try to get close to me. I want this, but I hate You because I can't have it. I get in a wild frenzy, stomping feet and scowls galore, posted on everyone I can shoot my gaze at. It just seems like You're so obscure and You don't know what happiness is. I want something that I want, but You never understand. I probably have a good idea of the world and what it entails, what job prospects are for me, what my best chances are, where I could go-

I gasp in shock. Where have You gone? Any one of You three around? I can't hear You. I grope around wildly in the dark.

Wait. When did it get this dark? Where am I? It feels like home...but I'm so awkward, boxed in, like I don't belong it. The space feels almost...makeshift. Anyway, I need to get out of here and see where God is.

Oh yeah...I was praying just now. I was in my place...and I lost sight of Him. I let the world get larger than He is...that was pretty dumb.

The light spears through the holes that He made in my defense...I remember now. I was scared of what I saw...and realized that I do not have the gift of foresight...neither am I omniscient and omnipotent. I can't move seas apart by my hands and even if I could, I don't know what I'd do with it. I realize the throne in my heart has the shape of my back grooved into the seat.

Lord, I know I haven't been faithful. These emotions that we- no, how about I...that I adhere to and seek, I do so just for damage limitation on them, so I know where I am. But God...you've got a harsh sense of humour. Things jumped on me. Dad gets married soon. Have I really let go of the pain?

Oh...additionally, just a minor thing...what is YOUR purpose in my life? I fear for my girlfriend, I am hugely dissatisfied with my church and I hate the majority of my friends around me. What do You want with me?

Yes, fed up is the general sentiment here...not fed up of the Lord God almighty, who was and is and is to come, made of the Father, Spirit and Son, each of whom are God in and of themselves...I am not sick of You, God. I am tired of my own life...please...take this happiness I know and make me love You more.

This happiness leaves a bitter taste in my mouth...

Easy

2009-03-05T16:44:00.004+01:00

This blog is slowly turning derelict, what with me taking it down and the minimal advertising of the blog on any social site e.g. Facebook and MSN...

However, it doesn't mean I don't want to blog. I have lots of my mind. Which I very much intend to blog.

Today, I was thinking about ministry. I was thinking about what ministry am I supposed to be in. Or what I should be in. Whatever, they're relatively similar. I suppose what am I supposed to be in is what God is directing me to be involved in...maybe the latter thought means what I should be in, since I know I should be there.

So anyway, I'm chewing on these thoughts, when I think about my friends who are involved in my life, who encourage me with my ministry (ies) and helps me in them.

And a name that is pervasive throughout my whole head is Hassan. He is a friend of mine who was saved by Jesus Christ, after he saw that Jesus was and is and will be the way, the truth and the life. He used to kill people in cages- ok, exaggeration there, but he used to engage in cage fighting. I think he was quite good. He's very strong for his size. He's also very considerate. He looks out for people more than most...even when in his heart, his mind and flesh struggle against him, goading him to just let go and forget about everyone else.

Most of all, he is very loved by our Father God. He has gone through a lot in his life, forsaking all for the Lord's glory and giving up his own. Even though he came to Christ a few years ago, we still think dearly of him and look out for him at MCCC.

Furthermore, he is a great friend to me. The 8 hour trip back and forth from Swansea was very interesting...we got to know each other pretty well. In fact...we got to know each other, but were able to accept each other for our faults. Silent codes of honor were forged and we were able to love each other for who we were, despite our quirks and unique idiosyncracies of behaviour and thought.

It was a strange time. But in the midst of this chaotic tempest that life morphed into, I really found a friend.

I just wanted to appreciate him really. Not many people will know him, well or at all. But I knew that he was destined for greater things. And I'm so grateful that he's alive and well and in my life.

Grief vs Grace.

2009-02-25T10:58:00.001+01:00

A cycle of grief, or a cycle of grace.

A cycle of grace is when, BEGINNING with the knowledge, understanding and foundation of faith that God unconditionally accepts us for who we are.

Ephesians 2:4-5
But because of his great love for us, God, who is rich in mercy, made us alive with Christ even when we were dead in transgressions—it is by grace you have been saved.

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Then, we progress onto sustenance; our resources are constantly renewed through dependance on God and God alone.

Ephesians 2:7
in order that in the coming ages he might show the incomparable riches of his grace, expressed in his kindness to us in Christ Jesus.

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Our identity is then established in Him, with a sense of significance.

Ephesians 2:6
And God raised us up with Christ and seated us with him in the heavenly realms in Christ Jesus.

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Finally, all of our hard work, endeavour and faithfulness to Him, results in the fruit that we bear...in loving, obedient ministry.

Ephesians 4:10
He who descended is the very one who ascended higher than all the heavens, in order to fill the whole universe.

We can also got through a cycle of grief...which is the exact opposite of this cycle of grace.As opposed to starting with the knowledge of unconditional grace, we are driven by achievement...we hope to achieve ourselves with an identity.

This develops into our need to establish our identity, with significance dependant on what we can achieve.

With this identity set in place, we drive ourselves to make oureslves more acceptable to others, compromising our beliefs and striving for this success in everything we possibly can.

As a result of all this, we find that the sense of acceptance is fragile, a fleeting moment...so we go around the cycle once more, fueling our emptiness with the acceptance of others.

An amazing thing I learnt the other day...was the fundamental difference between grace and mercy. Grace is what God has bestowed upon us...where we are naturally born sinners, as a result of Adam and Eve's original transgressions, we inherit and assimilate this evil and are offensive to God's eyes. Ephesians 2:4-5 says it perfectly...

But because of his great love for us, God, who is rich in mercy, made us alive with Christ even when we were dead in transgressions—it is by grace you have been saved.

Mercy means that we have been spared the punishment of our crimes, comparable to when a King shows mercy to a criminal.

But it doesn't mean that they aren't criminals. They are branded by their offense, which is not forgotten. They simply avoided punishment; justice ISN'T fulfilled in this outcome...

But grace, means that Jesus has paid for our sin. Grace means that our transgressions go, along with the stigma of being a sinner...our old identity is cleansed, as well as our wrongs. Everything has been paid for. The king no longer looks at you as a criminal, but treats you as one of his own flesh and blood.

Amazing.

weepy

2009-01-25T15:21:00.007+01:00

I'm not sure why.

I don't really know when it started, but I've been filled with an inexplicable sorrow recently. I sat on the bus, and my life didn't really amount to anything. It took a while to sink in. When it did, I was left completely hollow. On the verge of constructing an archetypal emo account, I had lost meaning in everything. With these broken pieces of who I am, or was, anyway...I hadn't a clue what to do. Where to go. Independance was a chore and I had lost all of that positive jazz. It was a moment of perfect clarity...that I wasn't really myself. That I had no life goal, or any place to go to. That I wasn't really sure when it would end, or where I should begin.

And I still don't.

I wanted to shut my eyes everytime they opened. The perfect blink...your eyes HAVE to open...yet, I force them to close...and in tandum, I plod on. Everytime I open my eyes, one thing I'm reminded of is that Mum isn't around. And it hits ever harder, sinking deeper and deeper, where despair just sinks in and I crumple to my knees in a mess of guilt, grief and goodness-knows-what-else. Every time I smile, or I see my brother and his greasy hair, or the way my sister shouts at my Dad for wearing things like he's fresh off the boat everytime we want to go out...I realise that we're compromising. We've moved on. We've chipped a piece off of ourselves and mixed it into the pool of rememberance...trying to piece Mum up from the little bits we offer.

But it's no good. I feel like breaking. I miss her so much, my hair will bleed all its life out and I turn ash white from this mental trauma I put myself through. That salvation, fellowship, ministry and all that jazz, it's interwoven with her...and that life is so, much harder now.

As I turn the corner, I realize, I'm so, so weary...that I understand why our hearts sink and we lose spirit as we plod on. That joy manifests in different ways...

That when I hug, share the laughter, kick the ball or strum the guitar, that's when I miss you. These agony pangs pop up and knock on my door oh so often, chipping away at me, just when I thought I was ok.

I'm such a damn hypocrite.

Because that's when I miss you.

2009-01-14T14:30:00.002+01:00

Today I sat on the bus. Stagecoach, it was. One of several bus companies, but is one of the largest in the country, with services running throughout North-England and Midland. Relatively clean, although you can't really maintain a bus and overall hygene whilst driving this hulking mass of metal and pollution.

We drove past Loreto College, and I briefly remembered what it was like being in sixth form, although it seems like a foreign idea to me that I was so young and naive back then.

It was the first time I left the house in days, because I had come down with a viral infection, meaning my body was wracked with muscle aches and my eyes were throbbing like I'd just snorted several lines of illegally produced plants.

And on this large bus, on my way past everyone, with my earphones in and dwelling in my own world,

I let out a long, drawn out sigh, where I felt my impoverished mind, heart and soul exhale in agreement.

I'm so tired of pretending and acting.

2008-12-02T21:25:00.007+01:00

You're not my friend, my buddy, my comfort:

You're my critic, my analyst, my psychiatrist, my towering overseer, where evaluation is a constant reflection.

Welcome, paranoia.

So where do You fit in, God?

Well, I learnt that we are all designed to fail each other one way or another.

I know for sure that I will, time on time on time again, I will be completely incompetent, useless and an utter failure to you.

I don't dare open myself up, lest any wrong word, any misplaced thought, indecent showing of who I am, might leak out and be chastised.

I turn away and fortify bubble upon bubble, hoping that there will be no rude invasion anytime soon...I look into myself once more, as I search for who I am, what my worth is and where my purpose lies...

But a friction snaps whatever I have in my head, like static. It lingers until I waltz right into it again. And this sea of discomfort slowly washes over me...I'm here...you're here...together...again...

I don't know if this is all in my head. I don't know who to turn to, or what to turn to. When I look up, I see a ceiling. I look around and I'm surrounded by these towers.

Yet, I don't know if there is any truth in what I say...

Or if this is all in my head...

But I'll just return to reality now...where judgement rests on my head and this insecurity continue to gnaw at whatever I have left...

A Worship Moment

2008-11-15T01:28:00.004+01:00

Be still and know that I am God.

Psalm 46:10

May the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart be pleasing in your sight, O LORD, my Rock and my Redeemer.

Psalm 19:14

What can i do with my obsession
With the things i cannot see
Is there madness in my being
Is it the wind that moves the trees?
Sometimes You're further than the moon
Sometimes You're closer than my skin
And You surround me like a winter fog
You've come and burned me with a kiss

And my heart burns for You...

Obsession
David Crowder Band

perception

2008-11-09T18:48:00.002+01:00

per·ceive (pr-sv)tr.v. per·ceived, per·ceiv·ing, per·ceives

1. To become aware of directly through any of the senses, especially sight or hearing.

2. To achieve understanding of; apprehend.

Perception. What a wonderful thing. The act of perceiving through tactile organs, seeing through the optic system, even tasting with the hypersensitive tongue and enhanced through inhaling via the nostrils.

What used to fascinate, even frighten, me was the concept of perception through the five senses. I considered the world around me and I pondered "do they see what I see?" I was genuinely scared that my cousin, Greg, perceived a football differently to me in some shape or form, hence allowing him to use his skills to a greater extent and be a better player than myself. Do people see the same table I do, with the extent shade of dull brown that radiates with maturity and history?

I came to realize after a small amount of time, that people DO see, feel, smell, hear and taste the same things I perceive.

My REAL question was much deeper than that...

Do people think the same as me, when they see that football?

What are the underlying mechanisms in our thought processes and abstract perception?

They were the real monsters that lurked in the dark.

And I come to find that my perception is actually flawed. I am scared of how I see the world.

Because I have come to understand that I am flawed.

I walked in, but ended up on my face. Now, I can't move. I'm numb.

I need to change, or I can't move.

2008-11-01T22:06:00.002+01:00

Today was the first time I heard my own, disgusting voice by myself. I guess when I'm with other people, I tend not to think or analyze it...but in a standalone moment, I hate it. Squeaky and high, yet flexible enough to be low and just a slur of crap, I realized it must be so hard to listen to myself sometimes. I mean, how do you comprehend the words at all?

That was a tangent...moving on...

I was practising chords to "This Is Our God"...and it was then when it came back to me.

God, You haven't forsaken me. God, you're more than I need...

But God, I don't feel - I AM broken, believing I am beyond repair, beyond hope...the hope that lies in Jesus Christ.

I'm still stood at this edge, looking down where all my fears, all my failure lies...and I'm about to tumble. Yet Lord, I haven't fallen. And I turn around...and...

I can't see anyone.

But Lord, Your promises don't have an expiry date. There are no small print conditions, which I have to adhere to. Lord, You can do anything through my useless, fragile, prideful, dogmatic, condescending SELF.

Lord, I dare not to look at You. I am overwhelmed with shame. I cannot take off my sandals, because I cannot approach Your throne. I cannot look up, because I fear You.

Lord, lift up my head, so I can stand tall in Your presence. Lift me out of this situation. Take my hands and guide me to where I need You, to dwell in Your presence. Father, almighty God...be my sword and shield, when I cannot stand any longer, when my strength fades, be my resource, my last resort and my excess...

Lord, smite and grind my enemy before my feet. Make him suffer, for his shame and his wrong against you. Remove all blemish and trace on earth.

Completely annihilate my darkest, greatest foe that lingers with me at all times, resting on my shoulders, buried deep within the crevices, a darkness that leeches and grows daily.

Destroy my enemy.

......
...
.

Myself.

wake

2008-09-30T10:59:00.002+02:00

Just how long will I let this chasm grow? How long will the universe revolve around me?

As I realize, in the wake of merciless gravity, it falls on me in cruel, blunt nature. My pride, my hopes, my dreams are meaningless when I'm stood on this edge. I wake up. And I find myself so, so alone. With nothing else around me, in this barren field I've scorched through my wrath and unstable temperament, I stand here alone.

I wake up to find myself not knowing what to do, not knowing where you are, or what I should do.

2 Timothy 3:1-5

(1) This know also, that in the last days perilous times shall come. (2) For men shall be lovers of their own selves, covetous, boasters, proud, blasphemers, disobedient to parents, unthankful, unholy, (3) Without natural affection, trucebreakers, false accusers, incontinent, fierce, despisers of those that are good, (4) Traitors, heady, highminded, lovers of pleasures more than lovers of God; (5) Having a form of godliness, but denying the power thereof: from such turn away.

I find myself in a consuming fear, that envelopes my vision, yet spurs me on to find you.

I find myself stranded.

tear

2008-09-11T01:00:00.005+02:00

Spiderman. What an awesome superhero. Why he remains at the top of my fictional, comic book hero isn't because of the suit, the flexibility and versatility of his powers or even his hot girlfriend. It's because he still remains as the most empathetic character out of the lot. The Green Lantern? Erm...glowing green, ability to fly and shoot things from a ring? Don't really think that's easy to identify with. Superman? Yeah right. Too much power. Batman? Amazing...but so dark. Vash the Stampede? Hm...whole new different level of species and interspecies war and conflict there.

Granted, films make Spiderman seem a lot more accessible, since Directors are allowed to reveal the niggly bits of the hero's life, which affect him considerably in all situations. But that's a good insight to helping us understand that Peter Parker is a geeky guy, who doesn't really deserve it, but has been granted this incredible biophysical enhancement of having heightened reflexes, strength several times greater than his own and the ability to sense danger when it's near. Yet, pride doesn't consume him, since revealing his face means his family is in danger of being used as negating pawns by his enemies. It means his actions go largely uncommended, even blasted at because he is an easy scapegoat by the media. So, despite possessing such responsbility and power, he has to work his ass off as a delivery boy to earn his rent for his...humble flat.

Right now, I am stagnating within a snapshot of heroics and burden.

If you have seen the film, you may remember that Spiderman had to stop a train speeding away at full pelt, without brakes. He tried to stop it using his feet and friction, but wasn't far off tearing his knee ligaments from the force. He comes to the solution of spraying lots of individual strands along the buildings and grasping them all in bunches in each hand, using his body as the train stopper, whilst the web acted as an elastic oppositional force. He ends up collapsing after it stops, from the massive exertion of energy and strain on his supernaturally enhanced body.

And I feel like that. Torn apart by this thing that rips and shreds me up from inside. This train wreck that flies at breakneck speed, just rushing me away. And I grasp and clench onto my girlfriend, my family, church, my friends for dear, dear life. The strain continues to build up, shreddding and flaying every bit of me, till I do not want to wake to face the world. I am pulling these bunches of my life together as hard as possible, drawing them as close to me as possible, yet this thing continues to drive a valley through my heart like a dagger. I scream and push people away so my flailing limbs, hostile comments and attitude do not burn, hurt, scathe or damage. I scream at myself because I find it overly difficult to hold on. By my strength, I feel each tendon strain and emotional veins slowly bulging until they bleed out everything I have...

"To love you, take my world apart"

Is what Jars of Clay cry out to the Lord, so that He would have His way with them, that the inheritance of God, through Jesus Christ, would pour out to us.

I'm trying to pull harder, but I am going to collapse any second. I feel like I've been so torn apart, that any detail of my existence would be hard to find. My feet stay in the boat, whilst this storm rages on, where land cannot be seen for miles and the sky seems to enclose on me, in nature's hateful rage. I don't think I can go on.

So I pull out of my role in youth group. I feel I need to take a step back. Or...I need to let go. And just collapse and wait for His hands to catch me. To remember that God is not confined to a situation. That God is not finite and mortal, so is not restrained by the constricts as I can see, but will use every situation for the better. To wait for the comfort that I am NOT a harmful person. That I am of some worth. That I can be useful. That my life isn't a waste. That I will not be reduced to ash and minute specks of dust. That His plans ARE for the greater future and I have hope. That I'll be...

Ok.

So...I break down. And well before this train is about to stop.

I let go.

V

Devotion

2008-09-06T21:04:00.000+02:00

It's all I have to offer. It may not be much and it isn't intense, or high in value...but it's all I have to offer.

academic year 2007-2008

2008-08-27T00:46:00.000+02:00

What a long, boring title for a new post. But it leaves no surprises as to what will be foretold, right? I guess I like my times of reflection...because with reflection, comes hindsight, with self-referential comprehension. How I mean, is when I see something in the past, I will take that event/thought/person captive and understand what God has been doing in my life. By perceiving the different possibilities of what could have happened and what has happened, I praise God with the result and deal with the consequences as He wills.

So, enough gobble-dee-gook. I have been living out in Moss Side for the year, since September, after much running around. Praise the Lord! It was amazing to know God had my back covered and humbling, since I initially looked away from the place that was offered.

So what have I learnt about living out? When I look back, what have I learnt in hindsight about myself? Well one thing is for sure, living with people is DIFFICULT. Don't get me wrong, I loved the experience. But part of that, was the painful compensation of my personality and character, to compliment others' and ultimately, diminish inevitable tension that springs up from cultural, personal and social differences. Things, like me not being bothered to take out the clothing from the tumble dryer as soon as possible, or washing up plates as soon as we've finished eating (hey, that's not all TOO uncommon, right?). It was so difficult, because I feel like I'm not being appreciated at all. So much, that I hate being around them, since they're also on my course, so I see them every single day. Hell, my housemate got annoyed if I didn't call or contact if I went out that night, to let them know when I'd be home. It's like....huh? Where's the contract that states you're my keeper? I thought it was strange. But ultimately, this year taught me a lot about trying hard to get along with people, in ways unfamiliar to yourself. Sounds stupid to socialise in ways you're not used to, right? But, if we always do things our way, we'll ultimately only see from our perspective, meaning less empathy for others. Or so I believe...One thing I learnt, is that Christians are more judgmental than other people, since we have "the truth", we expect EVERYONE to uphold the truth. Yet, what ist truth? It's without form and can't be seen. You can't define it to just one sentence. People need to see what truth is...and hence, they will go on their own way. We speak of Jesus as being the way, the truth and the life. Well, let our lives be that reflection and example of it, instead of us naturally looking down on our youth and "scally" generation, or people who hold everyone else outside of their social circles with contempt. Let's love people, not in a nice, cheery, happy, hippy way. Let's love them when it hurts and when we bleed to have to, yet we can because we have Jesus to redeem us, to carry us when we are low.

Second year wasn't anymore difficult that the first. Just I was a bit more concerned about work, since it counts towards my degree. Doesn't mean I've shifted my ass into gear though...I still don't know what I want to do after uni. I've been saying for two years I want to pursue a Psychology career, but I haven't acted like I'm reinforcing and chasing those aspirations...

Getting a girlfriend was ultimately surprising, unexpected and somewhat scary. I guess that's because having a girlfriend is more than a simple casual relationship, although I may be rushing in a lot quicker than I should be...I pray and hope this results in marriage. But I have to take Godly steps and direction, rather than just forging my own way, to ensure we'll definitely stay together. Because when we enforce our way, God has no room to work in our lives. If God isn't working in my life, then what the hell is the point of declaring I love Him and obey Him, yet deny Him any access or rights to His own creation and what they can do? After all, He's brought me this far, so everything else, should I obey His laws and calling, be prosperous for me. I mean...summer job, youth group, great housemates then and now (moving in with Ellis in 3 weeks), determination to do well this year in uni, a great girlfriend (only saying that because this blog is public...you know it's slightly forced...)

I guess what I prefer to reflect on, is how God has been working in my life. A friend of mine has been telling me of how Christianity is basically psychologically induced by the mind, as escapism, as a way to comfort ourselves. It's mind tricks we play on ourselves, for ourselves. Deep...yet true. Yeah, I do escape into my relationship with God, that is made complete and perfect through Jesus Christs' death. But the reason why I escape into His arms, as opposed to my own schemas, my own way of living and carnal desires, is because I see the end product. I know I am still very young and so, so inexperienced. But in this day and age, you are exposed to a lot of stuff at any point of time in your life. I was exposed to guns, swords and death when I was 6, through Chinese/Japanese cartoons. Sex was something I discovered on TV when I was 10. Hate was something I harboured when I was 11. All these terrible things surfaced when I was at such a young age...but as I delved into the Bible more and more, what Jesus says in John 10:10 is true. The devil comes to kill, steal and destroy. But Jesus came to give us life, and life to the full. What is promised is no lie to us. There is no dilution of the riches of life that Jesus promised. When people think "meh, religion is sacrifice to no avail", the reason we DON'T "sin" or do what God considers as sin and unholy, is because that will eventually lead into a habit, with the habit leading to lifestyle, lifestyle leading to fate. That means our destiny...what we think is small and inconsequential will lead us into doing it more often...until it becomes that addiction, which requires; no, DEMANDS us to sacrifice parts of ourselves, like supposedly easy, moral choices. Revenge, drinking whilst driving, smoking without thought, wearing clothes a bit short than it could be, playing games that plant and sow sinful messages and images into our minds...even what we watch and listen to.

This year, I learnt that obedience carries a heavier weight than what I used to know or believe...that sin becomes easier and more ecstatic, much briefer than you would want, when you give Satan that foothold in your life. Yet, obedience is an active and passive way of living, since we honour our God by offering everything we have to Him, because it is what He deserves, since He IS the creator of the universe and everyone I know, knitting us all so intricately in our social niches, academic situations or even sports teams. Furthermore, He is so much more worthy of our praise, and I sometimes wonder why I am not just bursting out with praise and dance, right there and then in the middle of the office...(reason is simply because I want them to not be freaked out, and I haven't felt convicted to by the Holy Spirit, so meh.) Worship is a natural reflex and response to how great He is...

A song has ultimately summed this up for me. "This is our God". It's a slow and sombre song, yet...what they sing is so amazing. The title of the song is "This is our God." You expect the song to elaborate on exactly who our God is...yet, from the sombre tone of the song, till the build up and crashing climax that claims these words, which portray in no ambiguous way why I worship God.

"Freely You gave it all for us,
Surrendered your life upon the cross.
Great is the love poured out for us
This is our God.

Because God is love. That is why I worship Him. Through Jesus, when I pray, or call on His name for help. God is love. He is wrath, He is majestic, ubiquitous, omnipotent, without equal in any respect, compassionate, stern, unmoving, disciplinary, punishing, just, angry...but above all, He displayed His love for us, through Jesus. Freely, He gave.Because I can't pay Him back for just what He's done for us.

This is our God. Our God of wonders.

V

Just.a.boy.

2008-08-04T01:15:00.003+02:00

Is it easier to throw it all away?

Is it easier to just give up?

Because this road isn't easy. And I don't feel of any worth. I'm too bloody smart for my own good. I think I know everything and enough to get me through the day.

Yet I'm still just a boy...

Worthless, useless, without ambition, lacking common sense.

Just.a.boy.

V

desert patch

2008-08-01T04:53:00.003+02:00

I feel...like my engine is running on parched sand, extracting whatever energy from any source possible. I went with sleep last night, because my brother's music was loud enough to distract me, even at 4, 5, 6a.m. He is, by the way, uncontrollable. I can't discipline him, lest he turns around and vehemently screams at me, complaining I am ruining his life and I don't understand him.

And my heart has grown cold. Where is the passion? Where is the extra love for people? Feeling the needs and meeting them? Seeing broken hearts and healing them, by His grace? Where is my desire to see His kingdom come to life around me? Suddenly, this tree has stopped bearing fruit...

With friends around me, I just lose the motivation to continue ministering/having fellowship. I look around and I see that there maybe a problem. But my mind, heart and body do not act.

I am so dry...and I am scared I won't be able to pick up momentum again. I search under rocks, my sofa, the Word for Him, but I cannot hear Him...I do not see where He wants me...my ears are clamped shut, my eyes veiled by this apathetic demeanor and my heart suddenly beating to a different rhythm to my creator's...

Today, I went to a film shoot, to star in the new FIFA 08 game...I think for the intro, or whatnot. Apparently Rooney was involved somehow, like he might make an appearance or something; I didn't stick around long enough to find out. My uni mate asked me to register...you get £60 for the whole day...but he gave me the wrong number, so I couldn't get through. I promised him I'd go though...so I had to get up at 6, got the bus at 7am today. They shot it at the retail park at Ancoats...with Toys r Us. Just behind there. We had to parade down the back alleys and streets, chanting and screaming, clapping away. It was so embarrassing, because I don't even know any chants.

I affirm with initiative whenever football conversation arises, that I do not affiliate myself to any club. I just say that I am a fan of good football...so whoever is playing well that day on the whole, as opposed to solely individual skill. I felt stupid chanting and clapping away like my life depended on it...the conversation surrounding me made the brows frown from sceptism and well-found assumptions; football is shallow. People stereotype and allow history to dictate their behaviour towards someone with a different jersey to them. . It justifies the use of profanity and scathing remarks towards family, physical features and social status, because you wear a different shirt to someone else. Football does disgusting things to people. The thought I harboured then still haunts me even now; should I quit football altogether and segregate myself from this degrading business?

The ginger haired man, who was the agent for the Park Ji Sung advert back in March, was present today. He must have seen me and thought "Phwoar, this is ONE die hard fan! Trying to meet all the players from Man United! First Park, then Rooney!!"

Oh, the irony.

V

girlfriend

2008-06-29T07:04:00.003+02:00

So, I guess if you haven't heard yet...I am officially attached. I have a girlfriend. Yay. Woop woop. Let's all giggle for a bit. Very exciting.

Yet, the feeling of becoming "attached" didn't wash over me with waves, floods or even trickles of excitement. Rather, a looming responsibility stood patiently besides me. I'm notorious for leaving things unfinished, regardless of how well I started out. This rather tall figure, made up of all the individual projects and academia that I was supposed to have finished, stood by and waited until I confronted it.

The world tells us that being in a relationship is the happiest thing that can happen. The philisophic paradigm known as "romanticism" that moved throughout the 18th and 19th century gave birth to countless tales of heroism, nobility, sacrifice, risk and going through periods of difficulty, in order to achieve this utopian position with another person. Romance is primarily based on the aesthetic experiences...touch, smell, sight, sound and taste. Romance is supposed to be the peak of all of our senses...and for that, we would do anything. We will betray the closest people to us, in order to become "one" with another. We would hurt another person's feelings, in order to fulfil our own desires. We wil go behind someone's back, if we are in love with another person, despite being currently attached to that person whom you're scheming behind.

Romance is all about us. And that's the mistake I've made in the past and nearly made here.

One thing that has been taught so many times over is to look from His perspective. We are His children, yet we so easily crumble when faced with difficulty, or with something beyond our understanding. Yet, you hold this situation or problem besides Him who is Mighty To Save, the one who created heaven and earth and knows all mysteries, binding creation and afterlife together in a divine plan beyond human logic and understanding and see if it's too hard to solve? When you look through HIS eyes...you don't need to beat yourself over and over to see that although it may not make sense now, we must obey what He wants, in order to get the best results, even if they bring hurt or it is not in line with our desires.

Luke 14 tells us about how the first will be last and the last shall be first in God's kingdom. Yet, Jesus goes even FURTHER in verses 25-34 to illustrate the extent of our obedience. Luke 14, in short, tells us to forsake our reputation, our resources, our family, our fear of our own safety and our business and work.

That's a lot to give up.

Yet why is this even relevant?

My girlfriend is very interesting indeed. I have known her for 3 years, since she first came to Manchester to study. We were on a hi-and-bye relationship. Pretty friendly. Light, without burden. Superficial. I guess we started to get to know each other around NEEC time...Just one phone call was all it took. Starting to learn more about each other. What's your favourite colour (her's is black, by the way...) and other things. So we chatted. And from there on, we wanted to spend time with each other.

I don't regret any of the time we spent together, because I loved it, even if it was bordering on the verge of emotional binging. However...it's just starting a heavy task. A long road, that IS winding...that WILL go steep, where we will not be able to see into, regardless of how well we perceive to know the other person.

It sounds quite ominous, quite depressing, right? But the one thing I've learned and will adhere to, till my death bed, which I would advise any other young couple starting out, is this.

Honour your partner as a sibling in Christ.

As much as you may "love" this person, it doesn't mean they are exempt from God's holy laws. Yes, you might want to spend more time with them, be naturally inclined to think of them frequently. But that DOESN'T mean you can touch them wherever you want. It DOESN'T mean you can blow off your ministry, your church, your family for this one person. You want to LOVE this person not by the WORLD'S standards (self-composed, by the way!), but by GOD'S standards.

Love your neighbour as yourself.

So, I will still proclaim Jesus and the hope that He brings, without ever worrying about my reputation. I will continue to commit my resources to the Lord, blessing whoever He wants me to. I will continue to be completely, madly and bonkered-ly in love, with this MAD, HUGE, INCOMPREHENSIBLE GOD...and I will continue to honour my girlfriend. It means not taking her for granted. Protecting her sexuality. Treating her with respect and trusting her. Praying with her. Encouraging her by CHRIST'S authority, not just some weasly, meek, self-imposed "You're worth it!". God tells me that when you are in a relationship, you shouldn't forsake the cost of being a disciple. Not that much changes. In fact, you have an advantage, because it is now TWO heads thinking and praying together, instead of just one. Ultimately, I must still love her like I love her as a sister in Christ, regardless of my emotional attachment. Forgiveness when she has clearly done something wrong, and outright humility, on my hands and feet when I have held a grudge against her. Jesus is still head of all and connects each of us to each other. Even if it hurts not to hang out too late at night, or to spend TOO much time together, excessive physical contact, what we are allowed to wear, say, or do...all these compromised standards (which should be drawn directly from the Bible!) will ultimately help us run the race further.

So, that is how I will live and sustain this relationship. As a disciple, this will be an amazing testimony to the world, those in and of it. By HONOURING her in all I do.

V

compassion

2008-06-29T06:46:00.005+02:00

com·pas·sion (km-pshn)

Deep awareness of the suffering of another coupled with the wish to relieve it. See Synonyms at pity.

A couple of days ago, I was walking down Portland Road, where I was just about to pass Portland Tower. A homeless person was sat down, cross legged with his rugged, cheap blanket providing what little shelter it could for him. My earphones were nestled in the grooves of my earholes, phat beats, heavy bass and poignant voices declaring their sweet melodies, all for my enjoyment, the music just a filler to pass the time before I arrive under my easy shelter, which I have not had to slave away for.

And I saw him in the corner of my eye. I have seen him before. About a year ago, I sat down and prayed with him, when Thomas took the initiative to sit with him. I have seen him before...and I knew it. Yet, I fed myself the same excuse, playing over and over again in my fragile mind in my moment of indecision, "You need to go home to look after Daniel". I took out my earpiece, so as to hear him out, albeit knowing what he was going to say, I did it out of courtesy. He said what I expected him to say. And I replied with prior calculation, "No, mate. Sorry. I have nothing to spare for you today."

And in his eyes was this glaze of disappointment, resent, sorrow and expectation. Our gaze met for half a second, before he politely nodded his head and sought to find mercy elsewhere.

And it hit me.

Romans 5:5
And Hope does not disappoint, because God poured out His great love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom He has given us.

My legs were weary and I fought to walk away. Pride, in his desperation, pushed me onwards with rude aggression. Yet hope and the spirit of love slowed my pace to a mere stroll, giving enough time to ponder.

Compassion. To be aware of another's suffering. But don't get me wrong. It is so much more than pity. Where would the world be without compassion? A world without the good Samaritan. Merely people who know how to pity and look DOWN upon those with suffering, whilst suppressing previous memories of pain and ache in our own lives. Without compassion, there is no hope.

And where was the hope for this man? The man whose name was on the tip of my tongue? The man who cannot escape his demons, of potential drug or alcohol abuse, or otherwise? The man who is just like me; undeserving of mercy and grace, yet CAN freely receive?

The white noise of despair blared on as I was about to cross a road. Then a car turned the corner with speed. Beep. Profanity. Spit.

And I remembered. His name was James.

V

Worlds Apart

2008-06-14T16:57:00.002+02:00

I am the only one to blame for this
Somehow it all ends up the same
Soaring on the wings of selfish pride
I flew too high and like Icarus I collide
With a world I try so hard to leave behind
To rid myself of all but love
to give and die

To turn away and not become
Another nail to pierce the skin of one who loves
more deeply than the oceans,
more abundant than the tears
Of a world embracing every heartache

Can I be the one to sacrifice
Or grip the spear and watch the blood and water flow

To love you - take my world apart
To need you - I am on my knees
To love you - take my world apart
To need you - broken on my knees

All said and done I stand alone
Amongst remains of a life I should not own
It takes all I am to believe
In the mercy that covers me

Did you really have to die for me?
All I am for all You are
Because what I need and what I believe are worlds apart

I look beyond the empty cross
forgetting what my life has cost
and wipe away the crimson stains
and dull the nails that still remain
More and more I need You now,
I owe You more each passing hour
the battle between grace and pride
I gave up not so long ago
So steal my heart and take the pain
and wash the feet and cleanse my pride
take the selfish, take the weak,
and all the things I cannot hide
take the beauty, take my tears
the sin-soaked heart and make it yours
take my world all apart
take it now, take it now
and serve the ones that I despise
speak the words I can't deny
watch the world I used to love
fall to dust and thrown away
I look beyond the empty cross
forgetting what my life has cost
so wipe away the crimson stains
and dull the nails that still remain
so steal my heart and take the pain
take the selfish, take the weak
and all the things I cannot hide
take the beauty, take my tears
take my world apart, take my world apart
I pray, I pray, I pray
take my world apart

deus ex machina

2008-06-09T03:11:00.003+02:00

perfect love we can't explain
shower over the broken and the pain
when I try to paint my life with the Word
There is none that can defuse or resolve
Other than You, whose hand created the world in 7 days
And myself from the ground,
Who orchestrated the greatest epilogue
From a world designated to disaster;
Deus ex machina came into play on stagnant ground.
Hope which was lost, now stands renewed.

Our eyes fixed on You,
We pray our prayer and keep to Your word

Where the hurt tears open the wound
Time and plaster be our initial healer
Love sow us back together
As we see that after the storm must come the shine
So Your Hand is always moving
And the rain is quickly fading

V

unto You

2008-06-05T15:03:00.003+02:00

None of me, all of You

In my life, be lifted high.
In our world, be lifted high.
In our love, be lifted high.

You reign, You reign.
Over everything, Lord, You reign.

God of the strong, God of the weak,
God of You and God of me.

If my heart has grown cold,
There Your love will unfold
As You open my eyes to the works of Your hands.

If I'm reduced to nothing but a simple tool, then humble me and I will gladly accept my duties as You will, since I am nothing without you.

However I am used to pave the way for future glory, whether in one place or worldwide, whether just at home or in several churches...I gladly lap up whatever calling you throw in my arms.

Teach me to learn again....Break my fall again, I lack the strength it takes to be invincible...

Is life governed by a progression of events? Of opinions and concern left, right and centre? By desire, ambition, relationships, possessions?

Rather, YOU take the helm of this ship. You steer its direction and dictate its pace...and I will obey your commands, with every breath and force of life poured out into bringing YOU glory.

Oceans will part, nations come
At the whisper of Your call
Hope will rise, glory shown
In my life, Your will be done.

Rid me of myself, I belong to You.
Lead me to the cross, where Your blood poured out.

Amazing love, now what else shall I need.
Your name brings life, it's more than the air I breathe.

I give my life to honour this
The love of Christ
The Saviour King.

V

smile

2008-06-03T20:09:00.000+02:00

But now, I smile from my heart,
A smile that cannot waver,
A smile that has no bounds,
Contagious, it will spread and catch
You will see the roots of my smile.

As I have learnt from the mistakes
That held me so close to danger
That caned me to my knees
And wrang tears from my broken soul.

But now, I spread my wings
No one can clip them down and force
Me to cower on the ground.
For I am free.

Free of the burden,
Free of the sin,
Free of all the lies and truths to come
Free to smile...

Doh!

2008-05-31T02:01:00.001+02:00

in·tel·li·gence (n-tl-jns)n.1.

a. The capacity to acquire and apply knowledge.

b. The faculty of thought and reason.

c. Superior powers of mind.

Intelligence.

By what measure or standardized test do you measure "intelligence"? IQ tests? Linguistic tasks? Arithmetic and algebraic complexities? Scientific mysteries?

Early studies in this field of investigation sought to establish the connection between brain size and "intelligence". The correlation was negative, after all the standardized tests and the measurement of cranial sizes...

For some time, some philosophers held onto the notion that vocal expression told everything. It reflected the depth of knowledge, understanding, the ability to counter problems...Intelligence used to be measured by people's ability to talk.

Nowadays, I see that society has imposed this mindset, or thinking, that intelligence is heavily dependent on and reflective of academia...or, more specifically, grades. By achieving good grades, you are a very "intelligent" person. If you have a Yorkshire accent, where ya tork lahk this, then peepul will think you're stoopid! Value has been placed on how good you are at smashing exams and if you can't do it, then you are tossed into the streets, forced to pick up something else, incongruous and uncomfortable to your individuality. Basic manners and benevolent social interactions, once taken for granted by culture and society, such as unconditional love, sacrifice, respect, honour, trust, care, kindness...negotiable, as long as you can be used in a certain way. 9am-5pm, deadlines, criteria, functions, adaptability, productiveness...What does this society's definition of intelligence allow me to afford? What does it mean if I can't get straight A*'s? What does it mean if I love the musical genres "Rap" and "Hip Hop"? Does it mean I am not as intelligent as someone who studies Medicine at Oxford University? Does it mean that I am not as useful and therefore, should be kept at the peripheral of society's eye? Does that narrow down my choices and force me into conformation?

I admire my Dad. He has an amazing eye for bargains and can cook many dishes, some even from just simple observation and careful application from previous experimentation with cooking. He also has an awesome memory, where he will be able to pull out a few facts about someone, when he needs to identify a particular person. There is an autistic child in our bible class, who can play the piano so well, despite his inability to speak coherently and link his sentences in a comprehensive way. I have a friend who has such amazing body coordination and can body pop to music, looking like a robot programmed to do so. Haha...Footballers may not score very highly on an IQ test, or a language test, but can you kick a football from the same distance as Steven Gerrard and potentially break someone's neck? Can you control a football flying at you at 50mph and halt its trajectory to your feet?

Can you nail like a carpenter and ensure the cut of wood is so clean and precise, measured exactly so it fits alongside other pieces?

Can you look at a building and tell how long it has left from inspecting its infrastructure and the stability of the supporting beams?

Can you hold a piece of art and apply the shadow, to define contours, or completely alter the mood of the piece, with just two strokes of a paint brush?

Can you lead an orchestra into the climax of the symphony, or redirect a band?

Can you clean a house with the touch of a mother, ensuring no stain is left undisturbed and the location of each item in a room is optimal for comfort, recollection and future reference?

Can you sow together clothing and piece together the a combination of items, knowing the effects the patterns would bring and how subtle or prominent it would produce?

Can you look upon the person who broke your heart and forgive them, knowing full well of their act of deliberate harm, yet choose to overcome that?

Can you brave the crowd and stand up and declare your faith, when you know that people will laugh at you?

Can you love without taking back?

My point is this: intelligence is manifested in several ways...and you should never feel that you are less worthy or useful than another person, because of your current skills. Every skill, or even innate attributes, lead to you being just as complete and amazing a person as the girl who got 5 A's at A levels...

"Intelligence". My definition: A constraint on what we could be.

V

preparation

2008-05-21T16:42:00.007+02:00

Second Chance - Hillsong United

On You I throw my life
Casting all my fears aside
How could greater love than this
Ever possibly exist

So I’ll wait upon You now
With my hands released to You
Where a little faith’s enough
To see mountains lift and move

And I’ll wait upon You now
Dedicated to Your will
To this love that will remain
A love that never fails

-----------

It's nearly over.

Yet, the time just isn't enough. I don't know where it's heading, going, how it came to (well...that's a lie! I'm pretty certain I know what I did, here!) and what we can do...I'm still holding onto you. My head is flipped over backwards, inches from my heels. It's the first time in a while and I put my faith and trust in You, Lord, that it'll work out, EVEN THOUGH the timing doesn't seem optimal or even appropriate...

And I'm desperately clinging onto You...because I don't know what You want from me; I don't know what to give anymore. It's alright when I have a mantle on my shoulders, when I know I need to carry it...but when it affects another person...

When I know that it's completely out of my hands and I cannot even speculate its possibilities...when the scenario becomes larger than just the object before me and expands into a landscape from east to the west....And where else can I look? Turn and cling onto the past? Or continue to stare blankly at a wall that remains immovable by these two hands?

I lift up my eyes to the hills—
where does my help come from?

My help comes from the LORD,
the Maker of heaven and earth.

He will not let your foot slip—
he who watches over you will not slumber.

Psalm 121:1-3

And Lord, I am so sorry for bringing this on myself...I don't know where the positive attitude came from...you could argue I had "faith"...maybe you could say that I was just naive? But in the end, I slumbered...and my guard was let down. And here I am, humbled by this whole thing...

And I don't want to let you go...but all I can do is offer up my empty, ragged hands in devotion to the one who is Mighty To Save...where a little faith is enough, to see mountains lift and move.

So from the gutter of my heart, after I rip through the different sheets and layers from the surface to the core, after introspection and reflection, speculation and yearning, the sinking and crawling on my knees, from the gutter I cry out...Your will and not mine...all of You and none of me...I will learn to submit to Your ways, Saviour who carried me from the depths of life and the despair that ensues with opinion, malice, favoritism, dependency, independence, escape mechanisms, arrogance, impatience, expectation, judgement and a lifetime of searching...

If I have You...what more can I ask for...

All of You and none of me...teach me to learn Your ways.

V

Ultraviolet (Light my way)

2008-05-17T21:29:00.002+02:00

ul·tra·vi·o·let (ltr-v-lt)

adj. Abbr. UV

Of or relating to the range of invisible radiation wavelengths from about 4 nanometers, on the border of the x-ray region, to about 380 nanometers, just beyond the violet in the visible spectrum.

Sometimes I feel like I don't know
Sometimes I feel like checkin' out
I wanna get it wrong
Can't always be strong
And love it won't be long
Oh sugar, don't you cry
Oh child, wipe the tears from your eyes
You know I need you to be strong
And the day is as dark as the night is long
Feel like trash, you make me feel clean
I'm in the black, can't see or be seen

Baby, baby, baby...light my way
Alright now...
Baby, baby, baby...light my way

You bury your treasure
Where it can't be found
But your love is like a secret
That's been passed around
There is a silence that comes to a house
Where no one can sleep
I guess it's the price of love
I know it's not cheap

Oh, come on...
Baby, baby, baby...light my way
Oh, come on!
Baby, baby, baby...light my way

Oooh...ultraviolet...
Oooh...ultraviolet...
Oooh...ultraviolet...
Oooh...ultraviolet...

Baby, baby, baby...light my way

I remember
When we could sleep on stones
Now we lie together
In whispers and moans
When I was all f*cked up
And I heard an opera in my head
Your love was like a light bulb
It just goes over my bed

Baby, baby, baby...light my way
Oh, come on...
Baby, baby, baby...light my way

Oooh...ultraviolet...
Oooh...ultraviolet...
Oooh...ultraviolet...
Oooh...ultraviolet...

Baby, baby, baby...
Baby, baby, baby...
Baby, baby, baby...light my way

I can do all things through Him who gives me strength

Philippians 4:13

Feel the rays of His love, which you cannot see, hear, smell, taste or even touch...but have faith, little or large, that His hand is over you. That His angels have gone before you, into the exam room, into the car, on the bus, the long walk down the street, when you print off notes...wherever you were going to go, see or do, the angels have cleared the way before you. So...rest assured, when you think you don't know where you're heading, or how it's going to go, when there's a situation that glides through your hands like liquid...when He says He has it sorted...He has it sorted.

To you

2008-04-23T01:43:00.003+02:00

The world is currently inhabited by approximately 6,000,000,000 humans (give or take a few billion). That's 6 billion, in case people weren't sure. There are so many different nationalities and even within these nationalities, there is such diversity in culture within culture; countless traditions running through the veins of national, cultural, tribal, regional, local, family and individual history born from events throughout the world, which soak into the hearts of people, however small or large, however profound or trivial.

Yet it breaks my heart when I hear people say that their life is stagnant...that their "walk with God" has come to a standstill and shoes have been taken off to just rest. Or when people feel their "relationship" has gone dry...and the "fire" has gone cold. The people who feel that they can't be FULLY open in church, because everyone just seems so "strong"...like they're made out of iron...How about the people who don't know what they're supposed to be doing? Who find life so without aim or hope; day by day, they slog through the marsh and the tar that they know as "life" that transforms into routine and monotony...When people have lost sight of their divine inheritance, or never even KNEW of it...

What do I say to them?

To the people who are walking strong, or have found their life and embraced it, I love you so much! Cause you people are great to watch and grow WITH! You bless the world, as salt and light wherever you go, conscious or subconsciously! To my leaders, role models and inspirations, your light keeps growing bigger, as you reach out to more and more people.

So where's the room for the broken and hurting?

What do I have to say to THEM? The ones who are slowing the rest of us down? The people who's emotions are roaring and tearing them up from the inside, that they can't seem to move another finger? Just what DO I say to them?

Well...

To the broken and hurting, know that HE, the God who parted the Red Seas, the God who raised a king from a Shepherd boy, the God who made the smallest, weakest member of a tribe into a mighty general of an army, the God who raised Jesus from the dead, the God who raised up warriors from fishermen...You may be sat here thinking "what has this to do with me? You're probably going to say 'You can be like that too!'"

My friend, you're being held back. You need God's grace...Because the God who did amazing things through this perfect history we call "the Holy Bible" is the same God who embraces drug addicts and picks them up, moulding their lives and persons into preachers, pastors, front-line warriors. Porn stars who leave behind their lives of indulgence and superficial beauty; people who come from backgrounds where sacred rights are flaunted and bodies are abused, through external substance or physical abuse in all shapes and forms...God uses these people.

But He doesn't just pick them up and use them as they are. You can't use broken tools...Just as He cannot use us when we are hurting.

Come to Me, ALL who are weary and heavy burdened and I will give you rest.
Matthew 11:28

Only you know if you are hurting inside. But know this; whatever weight you carry, whatever burden allows Satan to haul you down and put his foot on the back of your head, there is NOTHING which the Grace of God cannot consume in its span.

To the lonely and isolated, know that He hears your crying. Know that He doesn't WANT you to suffer alone, in foreign lands with routines that seem to confine you, or restrain you.

To the broken, who cling onto their experience and skills to draw them through the days, when everyone else is strong, know this: you will break down. You will be seen in the fullness of your pain. And when it happens, His arms will be the first thing to hold you. Not EVERYONE is "strong". Smiles are a skill...with practise, anyone can throw one whilst burning and yearning within. When you peel the layers, you'll uncover something much deeper and heavier than gushing blood...you'll find loneliness, rejection, wanting, doubt and pain in all its spiky forms dwelling within each person. But when you prayed that prayer, when you asked for Jesus to rule in your life, then know this; His FIRST priority before ANYTHING, is to save you. It's to hold you. It's to hug you. It's to love you when nothing else seems to go right. Even when HE needs loving, Jesus healed. And you - He wants you RESTORED.

To the lost, where desolation reigns, where direction is veiled and alien to your eyes...Where identity is exclusive to people who's prominent talents grant them VIP access to leadership, or simply acceptance...Lost sheep, Look Up...He's crying for you. His arms want to grip you in a bear hug and cushion you from your fall...He wants to whisper to you "You're safe with Me"...and that there is NO ONE who doesn't have a place in His Kingdom. Whether you stack chairs, whether you cook, wash dishes, chat to friends who no one else does, pray for people...regardless of your role, he cherishes you more than any other. Look to Him and He will sort you out...

To the clowns, whose mask is hanging
Whose make up has smeared
Whose face protrudes into the open
Like a face from behind the curtains
The stage is empty but the people still stare
Where the mould has been placed
Right in the centre
And expectation drives you to step in
And fulfill that "role" of stupidity
Of being underestimated
Of inadequacy
Of superficiality:

Hey, check this out. The world just isn't READY for you yet...if they saw ALL sides of you...in the pool of your rumination or the reams of your digressions...or the values and principles, to which you adhere to, in life...how you handle a situation..."clown"? I believe they have put YOU in a box...and you can so easily break free, beloved one. Know this; they have yet to see the full spectrum =)

To you, who's shoulders bruise, ache and bleed from the mantle of responsibility, who feel they should do more...who WANT to do more, yet feel out of your depth...The Lord has spoken. You put your faith in HIM...and let Him worry about what will happen...cause He put you where you are for a reason...to the people who feel that there is a certain "standard" they must meet...know this; He is SO pleased with you, and how you have grown. You are A LOT more mature, a LOT more cherished and appreciated than you know...just go into the world and you will see how you fare, within other ministries..! To you, who is about to step into this foreign, exciting world of leadership, yet still don't know where you are supposed to help, or how...God will use that talent, the couple or the dozen of talents you possess...and when you just invest into your ministry as He directs you, you will see where He wants you. Don't be CONFINED to the parameters of the word "leader". The associations with "leader" only hold you back as long as you ALLOW them...

NO, you don't have to be a preacher.
NO, you don't have to be an amazing "worship leader" (what the bum is a "worship leader"??)
NO, you don't have to be SUPER intelligent to be in the team.
NO, you don't HAVE to be SENSIBLE or "MATURE" - I BREAK that in Jesus' name! What is maturity, besides knowing when to be "sensible" or when to have FUN??

You ALL are leaders. You ALL have gifts, abilities, talent. And God CAN use it! Let Him work, because God never set parameters for what can and cannot be used...steady ears, listen up! Hearts are screaming and burdens need to be poured out! Motormouths! You have ears to let rip to! Make friends and disciples of all nations! Musicians! Realize the beauty that God has in store through your fingers and voices! Arty minds with little concentration spans! Release that tension on paper through paint and poignant scribble...let the world know, they are not alone! Dancers! MOVE your body, so the Lord can see you worship in style and in truth, holding NOTHING back! To the men with muscle; SET UP THOSE CHAIRS! Haha...play your sport! Run your race and kick the football...for the Lord gave you limbs to enjoy life!! Computer pros...Technology has a place in His kingdom! He wants the best, and ONLY the best! He doesn't want to see a PowerPoint go wrong, or a video with poor quality! To those who's minds are uncertain and have no idea where He wants you...lift up your heart to Him...the most precious jewel amongst the treasury is the one that has been broken and chipped over the years of refining...

Can you hear it?

Can you feel your feet rumble? Do you see the mountains tremble? Do you see brimstone and thunder from the sky?

Can you hear the full-throated roars of the battle-hungry warriors? The stampede that is rushing, overwhelming, all-consuming like a breath of fire; quick but unmerciful.

Do you SEE the people tremble, as the world begins to shake and groan? Do you see emptiness being filled?

Conqueror...know your place. You have so much more than this...lift up your head. Rise from your hands and knees. Look to the sky, wipe away the tears and the stains of blood. Find your sword...and freeze it in your hand. Because you are once again on the front line. You are about to let loose your full-throated war cry. Your determination and perseverance shatters the ground, leaving craters behind wherever you run and people miles away can feel you. Nations tremble when they see that politics cannot hold us back. LOVE cannot be conquered. When even a hint smears all over the tar...seeds are sown and lives are changed. Where you fight through your conversations, self discipline, evangelism, faithfulness, obedience, singing, smiling, hugging...He anoints that.

So, as a battle command...it's as such.

Let them have it. Let them know who you are...and who you serve.

=)

V

manly

2008-04-04T01:09:00.003+02:00

I'm seriously considering what I'm going to write here and whether it'll edify ANYONE...haha. But yeah, this blog is selfish in nature, since it's predominantly about me me me.

Macho, Macho man. I want to be a Macho man...

What is the origin of "Macho"?

ma·chis·mo (mä-chzm)n.

1. A strong or exaggerated sense of masculinity stressing attributes such as physical courage, virility, domination of women, and aggressiveness.

2. An exaggerated sense of strength or toughness:

I used to struggle with that when I was younger, as I grew up in an all boy's school. What they valued weren't integrity, faithfulness, patience or appreciation. Who beat the stuffing out of who, who was faster, or could kick a ball harder and even who could goad the teachers into a provoked frustrated reaction; they were characteristics of being a proper bloke (as said in the Mancunian accent!)

And I never found any of that. I could only identify with football, because I got an adrenaline rush everytime I felt the grass crunch under my feet, or the sweet taste of leather making clean contact with the ball.

I grew up trying to be a proper "man". These romantics ideals of the true "man" having an 8 pack, incredible at everything, possessing smashing good looks, 6'2'' and never wavering under pressure or stress of life, circumstance or danger. They were imposed on my fragile mind by media, friends from Church and school.

And even now, I still fail to meet these expectations, by a long shot. I cry when there is hope. My legs crumple when there is restoration of love, or when I hear someone's morals caused them to act. Sacrifice. I tear myself in half when I hear that there was someone I could have helped, in any way.

But the Lord is so gracious...because it never says in the bible "Thou shalt have 40 inch biceps and be able to take years of pain, in order to meet the requirements of being a TRUE man. I am the Lord and I have spoken."

He's never said that...but, God DOES call us to be MEN of God...and MEN of God DO make the tough choices. They DO have to swallow their PRIDE and get hurt along the process, physically and emotionally. We DO have to sacrifice a lot. But what blesses me is that even I...the pathetic, temperamental, little guy like myself, can be a man of God. And I don't need to grow taller, or be really strong.

What are the qualities of being a true man of God? Thankfully, being fully open with my emotions and feelings. There is a difference between GIVING INTO my emotions, but I can be honest with the Lord and tell Him "God...can't you see I'm crying? I'm in so much pain, right now..."

It breaks my heart...but I felt so lonely in Student Fellowship today. I was so drained, and I couldn't really connect with the Spirit when everyone was praying. I played guitar, whilst Joanne was on the piano. There was a time of intercession, when the Spirit convicted and moved amongst everyone...People were overwhelmed by joy and hope and were bawling everywhere. Then they made a circle and prayed together, for each other. But I felt alienated...they were praying that people would be called into leadership and strive to push God's kingdom there. But I didn't hear anything from Him...I just stood there, strumming, wondering what my part in Student Fellowship is. Maybe the Lord doesn't want me to serve there for now...

Leadership has been given to me, according to Rachel...But Lord...it's such a lonely path.
2 Corinthians 12:8-9 -

Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me.

So please see me for who I am. I'm so lonely and I'm a broken individual that can't do anything by himself...cause he's tried and tore a knee ligament along the way...I'm just a weakling who's been picked to carry His blessings. I boast that I am fragile, emotional, "girly", sensitive, an outcast of 6:13 and student fellowship, have a small friend network and no social life, cannot dance, over enthusiastic. I confess I am all of these, because it is only through Christ that I am of any use...

I'm just a shipwreck.

V

yNEEC '08

2008-03-11T18:13:00.004+01:00

I've still got last year's yNEEC as a draft. It's currently 2 A4 Microsoft Word pages long. I'm not sure if I should still publish it...but enough with the past. Let me tell you how the Lord moved this year.

I stayed at Danny Wong's house the weekend before yNEEC. Everything was last minute, including what the theme was, who the speakers would be, who the leaders were. Many things didn't look too "bright". However, we prepared for three hundred people. I arrived in Liverpool on Friday afternoon, so I could pray with the team and compile song lists. The opening worship was so strong, because everyone's hearts were so open and expectant for the Lord.

Me and Danny finally got twenty-five songs. One song that spoke to my heart was "Shout Unto God". If you have heard the original, it's just noise. If you have heard the revision that was performed on the With Hearts As One album by Hillsong United, then you will understand how beautiful they've done it.

Me and Danny fasted and solidified our faith in firm, spiritual concrete for the next four days over that weekend...Good Friday has never been so hurtful in my life. That it was a historical day, where I can retrace each step to experience Jesus' pain...

Sunday arrived. We finally met Roland, Shaun and Rachel, the three Singaporians were emergency replacements for Derek Ma. In fact, Shaun was a last minute replacement for Hosea, who was the original dance co-ordinator from their church, who was meant to bless us. Roland was the anointed speaker, Rachel was the anointed worship leader and Shaun was the anointed farmer, who worked in the background with the PA, setting up things and encouragement, as well the the dance coordinator, whilst gaining little to no public recognition.

Haha...when Danny and I got the band together to practise on Sunday night, she was going through a few things...and wanted to introduce a few new songs. At first, I was hesitant cause it was Planetshakers she was trying to draft in...but we transposed a few songs...then when she opened her mouth...man, I pushed my microphone FAR away. I was like "Woah dood?? You prayed for forgiveness over that? You could commit adultery with that voice, it's so sexy and awesome!!" It was embarrassing for her to sing with me haha. But she worshipped with all her heart and had such a desire to sing out to the Lord. Me and Danny were greatly encouraged by this...that night, me and Danny prayed intensely.

I could go through each day, but I'll just summarize how the conference generally went.

The conference theme was ">conquerors" (More than conquerors) - Romans 8: 37-39

Roland is anointed...he was receptive to the Lord's word and encouraged, rebuked, challenged and loved the congregation in front of Him. His heart desired to see change and mighty warriors rise from those before Him.

Shaun was so humble...despite being a commando from the Singaporian army, he never imposed his physical or military authority on the youth, but very much faded into the crowd and was able to encourage and just engage in fellowship with everyone. He was such a blessing to everyone. He's really good at dancing too.

So...here's the juice...Here's how the Lord spoke to me. I deliberately stayed away from sharing anything, because I usually waffle...and I wanted the Lord to work. This was all about Him, not me. I humbled myself and ran off the stage, ensuring NO ONE would encourage or praise me. If someone turns to me and says "Hey, the worship was great!", then I have FAILED in my job. Only if they turn around and say "GREAT IS THE LORD!!" have I done the Lord's will.

So...for those who want to know MY perspective of how the Lord moved in me:

1) The Lord truly sent a blessing through Rachel. When I needed to hear Him most...He responded. I prayed about worship leading...and I've felt the Lord pulling me towards worship leading, providing the gifts along my turbulent journey. Three years ago, I couldn't sing a melody in key if you held a gun to my head. However, the Lord provided me with a worship mentor in Matt Coulson, who encouraged me to express myself...and at the time, verbally and musically were most accessible to me. I picked up harmonies and how to sing off of Matt...and have had to learn to develop my own voice as time passed.

Moving on from singing...when Mum passed away, I wanted to serve somehow...and I invested into the worship side of youth group and MCCC...but then, before I knew it, my desire to worship led me to OTHER people who had the similar desire...namely, Harriet Lau, Anna Koon and Charlotte Lau. Charlotte dropped out...And it basically ended up with just me on lead vocals and acoustic, Andy Liu on drums and Anna on bass. What little we had there...God multiplied through His own way, bringing in two electric guitarists, two back up singers and a keyboardist. Before I knew it...I was a main worship leader for Church.

At yNEEC '07, the Lord really spoke out to me and said "You love to worship through music...you are a worship leader." And Satan has been breaking me down, bit by bit...till i tried to run from my worship band and pulled out from church's worship leading rota. I was so insecure about leading in church...because I'm so young, believing that I didn't know what I was doing, I was musically inexperienced, my voice just didn't cut it...a whole other bunch of insecurities that cut deeper and deeper when I came closer to Him.

Rachel had a word from God. After I led just one session, I hastily ran off the stage to avoid any encouragement or human praise...but Rachel pulled me aside after the talk was over...and she said that I was anointed...that I had a heart for God and for the people. She said that I was a good worship leader...

The fact that this came from such an awesome worship leader...I poured out my heart to her, and she told me her heart's burdens...I knew that she was from God, for me to know.

I AM a worship leader. I intentionally stayed away from public sharing, because all praise belongs to Him and I am but a disposable pawn in His army. However He uses me, He will use me. But ALL glory belongs to Him. ALL of Him, NONE of me.

2) I saw miracles.

mir·a·cle (mr-kl)n.1. An event that appears inexplicable by the laws of nature and so is held to be supernatural in origin or an act of God:

That's the www.thefreedictionary.com's version of what a miracle means. Basically, as Vinny Keasberry explained, it's "something that cannot be explained".

What were these miracles, you ask?

One of the members in my group was saying in our first group discussion, when asked about his expectation and evaluation of the conference so far, that it wasn't anything special. All he saw were some songs, someone talking...and that was it. He said he wanted to see "miracles"...and how he wanted to see people healed, like cancer removed, like the blind being able to see again. He wanted to see with his eyes...and surely enough, God answered that...not in anyone else, but within the man who doubted HIMSELF. God touched his heart so much...that he shared at the end of the conference that he felt God and knew there was something else...God. You're so funny.

3) That God is proud of me...

I'm a struggler. I'm not good at hiding it and I'm not mentally or physically built to be suited to endurance; I haven't hauled myself through vigorous training to endure this. I just take it...

I love my family. I hate seeing my Dad carry the burden of life on his back over and over again. I've had to learn to step up, pretty much forsake my uni social life and make it a burden to help with the family. My brother is like a thorn in my heart. It burrows and it twists, as I try to hold him closer, he tears more out of me till I can't bleed anymore. I want him to know Jesus and that he's set free from the pain of life; that hope lies beyond his eyesight and the four walls around him. But he picks it up and throws it back at me. My sister's mental schemas means she doesn't NEED Jesus to cope with life...and I can't really talk to her about it, because she doesn't really want a part of me.

Roland shared on the last night...that he had a word from God. That God was saying to us...that we had done well. Even as I type this, the tears of relief and disbelief continue to roll. All I can say is "are You really sure? Can this be really true? Am I doing well for You? Am I really mature enough? Have I done ok for Your name?"

Sometimes...the fight can be so hard to fight. But the only opposition is the face I see in the mirror. I'm searching for the wrong harvest...when I reap from what I sow, I draw from the wrong resource...Paul says in Galatians 6:7+8 that we should sow into the world, to please the SPIRIT...and FROM the Spirit we will REAP. That means we should take from God what man cannot offer...it means I'm not fighting alone...

God has worked so much. I've met so many amazing people.

There's a young girl with such a deep level of maturity, that people would never recognize it unless they opened their eyes and humbled themselves and their way of thinking...if they knew what she went through and what she did as a very young teenager, they would realize God has multiplied these experiences, making her well wise beyond her years.

Jesus has touched and opened the heart of a musical genius. God has shown her that music is the most beautiful thing and how the very philosophy of music and construction is as beautiful and awe-inspiring as nature itself. She is going to do amazing things for the Lord, as worship is an increasing ministry. Her insecurity in her ability will be the Lord's strength, as her heart remains open to new branches of musical diversity.

There is a worshipper who was SO fun to watch, because he was always at the front, giving it everything he had. . If he continues to desire the Lord, the Lord will bless Him with the Spirit and the gifts of the Spirit will manifest themselves, as he draws himself closer to God.

There is a team that was so anointed and blessed, hungry to learn and develop, that they blessed their leader beyond their understanding, even though he is such a dictator and stubbornly refuses help. They will grow on to be greater than him and bless others in the world.

There is a girl, who desires to be a woman, yet isn't sure how the Lord wants to use her, in terms of career, university choice and direction of life. However, the Lord has already blessed her in many ways, that she encourages everyone she meets and that when she puts her faith in the Lord, chasing after Jesus wholeheartedly, then she will be a mighty woman in the Lord, inspiring all those in her ministry and outside of it.

There is a young lady who strives for celibacy, preparing for anything, expecting nothing from the Lord, but wants to serve Him wholeheartedly, shining brightly in the world as an example of purity and refinement, adhering to the Lord's standards, discarding her own wants and desires.

There is an evangelist who wants to drive himself into the word so far, that people will be able to look at him and think "This man is different". With his musical abilities and charisma, he will draw many to the Lord.

There is someone who has given their fears and hurt to the Lord, preparing for give up their emotion and wanting to see salvation live in his family, even if He seems to be the only driving force at the moment. Whilst doing so, he strives with every joule and contraction of his body to encourage and lift up his brothers and sisters around him.

These are just a few inspiring stories. People who you meet everyday on the street, some from the worst parts of teenage culture, some with originally no hope whatsoever. You think the Lord did great things?

We just got started.

V

Movement

2008-03-10T20:21:00.007+01:00

Bonjourno Blog.

How are you? I've neglected you...

Haha. Schizophrenia kicking in there.

What's happened since Dad's scare incident? A few things...

God has been touching my heart these past few days. In random moments, I feel so moved by Him...a few times is when I'm just listening to some music...and when I hear Jesus' name, there is no other reaction but a spontaneous combustion of joy, pain and hope when I realize that He's a Saviour who did not deserve death. God has moved immeasurably in me...

Something that spoke to me in a quiet time was Mark 16: 4-5

But when they looked up, they saw that the stone, which was very large, had been rolled away. As they entered the tomb, they saw a young man dressed in a white robe sitting on the right side, and they were alarmed.

I get the image from The Passion Of The Christ, at the very end of the movie. He's sat on a rock, naked, with none of the bandages around Him...Jesus rose, and was waiting for the boulder to be moved. Total victory, at that very moment.

"Cause the enemy has been defeated, death couldn't hold you down. We're gonna lift our voice in victory, we're gonna make Your praises loud."

Every time God moved in me, I just broken down crying. It's the hardest thing to cover up crying when you're on a bus, you know?? But it's all good.

On Saturday night, I saw a play that my housemate's fellowship group composed, called "Manchester Story". It's a play that has stories of different people, whose lives are broken by rape, molestation, drug addiction, gang warfare, homosexuality...these stories were interwoven, but it centered around a girl's life who has had a turbulent upbringing. The point of the story was to convey that many people in Manchester, as well as other areas, live these lives in reality. We saw how God played a part in this...and the girl and her mother were saved, at the end, by God's grace and provision, in the form of the right people in contact with the main characters.

There was an altar call, where the Pastor was moving with the Spirit. 40+ were saved that night. I felt God move as I sat down in my seat, waiting for the play to get under way...That was such an awesome night.

Something that has been really stirring within me...just what am I doing for the Lord? And am I doing it right? The preacher on Sunday explained about Matthew 5:38-48...that's right, the passage about "slap, then turn your other cheek". How as christians, we can just turn the other cheek and bear it, because we have Jesus. It doesn't say be happy about it, but know that we can bear it, because we have Jesus. That told me that...no matter what's happening, if I have the Lord, I can bear it. However...it didn't completely remove the doubt. What am I doing in 6:13? It just seems that my "counseling", if my pathetic attempts can be called that, aren't what the Lord wants. It's not aligned with His will...But I got an email today. It's from the MEC (Midlands Easter Conference) prayer team, giving me the prayer points that we shall start praying for as a team. A verse that was knocked down was this:

"So, my dear brothers and sisters, be strong and immovable. Always work enthusiastically for the Lord, for you know that nothing you do for the Lord is ever useless." 1 Corinthians 15:58.

That spoke wonders to me...That no matter what I did...as long as its for the Lord...then I can hang safely in the knowledge that, because I am equipped with the right knowledge and training, my efforts aren't in vain.

As a man...I've discovered something I know what the Lord wants for me. He wants me to become a man...a man of GOD. Not just a buff, 230 pound monster that's ripped and cares about nothing, but to care for each other...to convey love as stated scripturally...to be firm on my standards and be self controlled...to listen to His will and stay faithful to Him, day after day. It's such a blessing to do that...

And with that in mind, it looks like I have direction in my life.

Something I'm trying to bear at the moment...is my utter loneliness...I'm praying that God would provide me some friends...because unfortunately, I don't really have any friends that I can just chill with. My housemates are busy a lot of the time/I clash with them and piss them off a lot. I don't know anyone in uni except people on my course and everyone has their own niche. Even If I am friends with the youth, I have to be a mentor and role model to them. Something you could pray about...is that I would learn to rely on people more...because I'm fighting a heavy war like everyone else is...but I'm always low on ammunition...But Lord, I'm desperately hanging onto you...I'm going to cling to you, even if I'm going to have little moral support over the next few years, or the rest of my life. Even if I stay celibate and single till the end of my days. Even when I lose strength in my body to move forward...Father, I'm going to stick close to You.

Freedom from sin. Let me live in that freedom with my devotion.

V

strength through horror

2008-02-29T00:38:00.005+01:00

Hor·ror (hôrr, hr-)n.

1. An intense, painful feeling of repugnance and fear.

2. Intense dislike; abhorrence.

shock¹ (shk)n.

a. A violent collision or impact; a heavy blow. See Synonyms at collision.

b. The effect of such a collision or blow.

a. Something that jars the mind or emotions as if with a violent unexpected blow.

What's my definition of horror? When you get a text telling you that your very own Father is in hospital, reasons unknown to you, condition undisclosed, duration or situation still veiled in mystery.

Shock is when you need a way to find out, yet have no idea who to turn to.

When you think it may be the last time you see him and you were sleeping, like the useless waste of air, space and food you are.

When the stretch of time from where you are, to where you need to be, suddenly grew before your eyes. People board the bus in hoards, as opposed to the initial few that you thought you saw a few moments ago.

Horror, would be my hope being chipped away. My heart broken once more, possibly beyond full repair.

Only to find out, when you open the door, that he's home, asleep, recovering.

My whole day has been a typhoon of shock, coupled with a horror that this was it. It's over.

To be fair, I found out what happened to him at church, when I first received the text. He had a stomach ache and took medication to cure it, but it made him worse. So, nothing too bad...but I'm agitated that my dad didn't tell me what happened. When I interrogated forcefully (obvious exaggeration there!) the aunties and uncles Dad knew at church, they revealed all to me...

And that moment of relief came flooding like a collision. It was like a monster constructed from anxiety and despair, gnawing and snarling...all of that, drowned by this rush of safety and direction. I was ready to collapse in a heap of tears and brokenness right there and then. My home...my home is still intact, somehow. By His grace...it's not over yet.

I've again experienced the terror that horror brings, when it looms in the dark of your mind, sowing and lurking in areas you haven't prepared for, suddenly to rush at you in an ambush...but this time...grace amazing took him and me home...

As long as I have life left, a breath left in this body, I'm going to remember my blood family as the most important to me. Whether it costs me my limbs, my education, my future or happiness, I'm going to be there for them. I'm not going to let anyone down next time.

V

Pioneer

2008-02-18T00:56:00.003+01:00

I'm kinda here for a whinge again.

Just that being a leader is so lonely...no matter HOW much you ask someone about something you're troubled with, the best non-verbal teacher is experience. It'll mould you into who you will be from who you were and what you did.

Being a youth leader gets so hard. Because I WANT to do more...and even if I have drive and energy to do things, it doesn't mean I'll neccessarily get it done well, or as the Lord wants me to get done...

Insecurity sets in like a perpetually increasing anchor in the heart and mind. I'm still asking..."what am I supposed to do? What is my role?" So I will pray hard. Because I don't think I'm contributing anything at all to the group, either the core group, the actual Sunday youth group or the youth worship team, which is who I'm in charge in. Like today. I wanted to share with them something that inspired me about worship, about WHY I am worshipping. I tried to share about Mark 12:41, the widow's offering of a few measly copper coins. Although it was not worth much, she still gave all she had. And in the meantime I shared that, people had nothing to say; someone was looking at the ceiling lights and turned with a disinterested "huh?" when I called his name. Maybe it's because it's a Sunday and fatigue sets in from a long day. Maybe because it's kinda cold. Maybe half term ended and they're thinking of what to do next. But I don't think they care anymore. Or maybe I'm just not doing my job properly.

What do I know, anyway? I don't feel very valued right now. Maybe it's time for me to move on in life? I doubt I'll add much elsewhere *anyway*, psch.

Sometimes it feels like the burden is mine alone to carry. Maybe it is, for now...I don't know what the Lord has in store for me. In a rare, objective reflection on myself, I realized I don't let go of things very easily...and I still expect big things, either of the outcome, or impact. For example, worship. I haven't experienced a miraculous, impossible healing of cancer or the lame, deaf and dumb. It gets sometimes slightly scary, when I think "Am I being led by the Spirit? Or have I just chosen songs to facilitate this and just playing?" Although I know that it's not up to ME and about ME when I worship lead, I have an increasing worry that I do not lead by the Spirit, or properly anyways. Which means listening out to the instructions, like "No. Sing this song. Someone needs prayer" or "Just be silent or strum quietly. It's time for reflection". Indeed, I do believe I lack a lot of things. Trust is definitely up there, in the top ten "biggest doubts in my life between me and God". Even little things, like letting go of a girl I fancy, or deciding whether or not I go on a trip somewhere. I doubt a lot, in that sense. It's pathetic, though; my own strength is so weak, that it's embarrassing to be called a "man".

Leader. The word will forever haunt me, because I will look back and realize how stupid, useless and distrusting I am now.

Leader. A lonely road.

Two Years

2008-02-11T10:01:00.000+01:00

Well, two years, two days and five hours, to be precise. I was still in bed at that time. I don't feel guilty about it, though. My fragile body couldn't stand the emotional and physical strain from the previous couple of days.

I couldn't even spend time with my family on the day because I had a few things to do, and even worse, I forgot it was that day because I was busy with Church actvities...

How do I feel? I feel ok. At the moment, I'm reminiscing more than mourning. The past events don't burrow guilty marks into my head or heart anymore. But I am still replaying some events in my mind.

The one thing that is raised in my mind is "What would I say to her if I saw her once more?" But because this is MY fantasy...I'm allowed to have a whole day with her...so, if I had a whole day with her...would it be enough? What would I say? What would we do? Would she be disappointed if she saw how much or little I was doing with my life? Would I fully learn what I wanted and needed to know?

Yet all I have is a gravestone and her pictures. Those capsule moments in time frozen to mark an occassion, prove our visit to a place, or just to remember the "good times". Her letters and retention of her handwriting, undiluted by anyone. The episodic memories I still retain, mostly from my mid-teens. The fragments of a family and my insecurity, trying to find my place in the big, wide world and in His kingdom. This is what I have now.

Nothing breaks me more than to see something close to her. "My beloved wife", or the Chinese names of the family engraved. The dirt that wraps around the slab of stone at the foot of the gravestone. Oranges, placed with good intent on the gravestone , hoping she is eating well, contributing by supplementing healthy food.

I still cry and get weak at the knees when I stand before where she's buried. I still fight against the onset of memories or attached emotion held to each scene in my head, because I know that I'll be upset that they're the only memories I still have of Mum.

Plasters and medicine will heal cuts and wounds, whilst time will ease the searing pain of scars.

I don't think I've seen a bluer sky.

Hope which was lost,

Now stands renewed.

V

Monster

2008-02-05T18:30:00.000+01:00

I thought church was a safe haven.

I thought that being a Christian solved all my problems.

I thought a lot of stuff, but it looks like I have a lifetime to learn.

I don't know if I keep twisting this to suit my situation, but the lyrics, or train of thought that "death will be the end of all my labour" seems quite appropriate at the moment.

I seem to have developed a hate-the-world complex. That the world is pushing me more and more at my limits. I realise now, that in order to find out how I click and how I function, I have to sacrifice everything I am.

I'm drifting in and out of hopelessness, where I keep trying to find something to look forward to, only to find there's something else I need to attend to.

I feel like this is eating me inside out...I can't let go of what I've initially held onto, because no-one else can do it. Not that I'm superman by any means. But I miss my family so much...

The biggest fear? Losing 6 months of my life and running away from church. But I can never run from God.

When death becomes
The end of all my labors
And Christ alone my rest and reward

May all I've done
Be one enduring echo
Resounding on to shout
Great is the Lord

- Band: Starfield
- Album: Beauty in the Broken
- Song: Great is the Lord

V

Prefix me.

2008-02-04T18:49:00.001+01:00

My shoulders are sagging
Yet pushing and struggling
Against the weight
Of a world
That doesn't stop.

Time is no healer,
Only the measure
By which I see;
And I reach out
For the far hope
Beyond patience
And growth - hope that was near
Eludes
As I close
My hand

and

I search and I search

I can not stop
I can not stop

There is no rest
There is no rest

Once you start,
It's one way
All the way.

To learn less of the pronoun
"I" and the being, "me",
To exchange with "you"
Or "him/her."

The bane of existence,
Or the ignition to new self?

I'm struggling in being...

...

There is no rest
There is no rest

Freedom

2008-01-28T21:24:00.000+01:00

This is an infamous U2 song all fans will know, without exception (obviously referring to U2 fans specifically). It's called "Where The Streets Have No Name". The song is about being able to run to another place, where there is no social order, or havoc, or mess, despite the fact that social order, on the surface, seems to minimize chaos.

In Ireland, in the city where U2 live, there is an area where there is distinct segregation between the rich, middle and upper class people and the lower, working class; this distinction is made just by the street name. If you lived on a certain street in this area, people will know exactly what your occupancy is and judgement will rain down on you, such as "ew, he can't even afford these simple luxeries for his family. How pitiful."

The song was composed because Bono and the lot were jamming, but as this train of thought took Bono deeper, he wanted to express how there's a place where no one will be judged, a place where there is no such thing as seperation and, in fact, there is unity between the people. A place where street names will not matter, where social status, income, car model or clothing brands mean nothing.

If you ask ME...that place exists in your heart. In your own world, where everyone can get along with you. Yet, for ME, NOW, that runs even deeper. Because I'm found by Jesus, this world can start becoming a reality; I see it bleeding into the places I visit regularly.

On Sunday, Vinny K gave a talk on Freedom From Fear. Given enough time to think about it, you could probably have a good stab at the contents and the layout of how it would go. There was a bit of worship at the start, in which I had a few ideas and definitions of Fear, Freedom and Hope written down. There were also a few bible verses written; they would be proverbs 9:10 and 1 John 4:4. After giving them give about 5 minutes to have a look at these ideas, they were encouraged to write down their own thoughts or what struck them from these ideas. Most people seemed to be encouraged by the www.thefreedictionary.com's definitions of freedom and hope. Freedom was defined as follows:

free·dom (frdm)n.

1. The condition of being free of restraints.

2. Liberty of the person from slavery, detention, or oppression.

4. Exemption from an unpleasant or onerous condition

5. The capacity to exercise choice; free will

8. The right of enjoying all of the privileges of membership or citizenship

And hope is defined as follows:

hope (hp)

v. hoped, hop·ing, hopes

v.intr.

1. To wish for something with expectation of its fulfillment.

2. Archaic To have confidence; trust.

v.tr.

1. To look forward to with confidence or expectation

2. To expect and desire.

The responses were interesting and definitely insightful...particularly in how they responded to the thoughts about being "free" from fear.

But what Vinny K spoke about wasn't about Jesus being free to set us free from all of that. Rather...he quoted a famous Christian's train of thought. That we are scared of OURSELVES and what we could actually achieve; that our maximum potential would be realized. We are actually able to do what we want to do to the best of our abilities and beyond our imagination. That is what being a Christian is about, he said. Not just "oh, I attend church...and go to youth group...sometimes a Tuesday bible study..." It's being the best you can. I felt God really move in that room, like a breeze drifting and weaving around my legs. Vinny K continued "we don't have time to sing In Your Freedom again...but if you want to respond, then raise your hand. If you want to know what it means to be a Christian, to know the inheritance we have, then stick your hand up." Silence fell on the room like a blanket, knitted with tension and anticipation. But, hands shot up immediately as we bowed to pray. "There's one...another one...ok, that makes five in total!" And three people became Christians as of that Sunday.

God, I know I'm unworthy. I know I stray and I struggle against you and aggravate my situations. I know my emotions will sometimes quash your convictions. But I see what you're doing. And I am excited. Please, don't let me stop now...

Partiality

2008-01-13T17:37:00.000+01:00

par·ti·al·i·ty (pärsh-l-t, pär-shl-)n. pl. par·ti·al·i·ties

1. The state of being partial.

2. Favorable prejudice or bias.

3. A special fondness; a predilection: had a partiality for cats.

Lord, I pray that you change my heart so I don't show partiality to anyone, just as You haven't turned from me for someone else...

2008

2008-01-13T16:57:00.000+01:00

So, a whole year and a bit since I started this ball rolling. I guess it's natural for a time of reflection at the start of a new year, albeit half a month later..!

Am sure everyone has had their trials and tribulations. Everyone will have gone through enough shtuff the past year...I sort of feel like an idiot, typing out how I'm feeling. Not that I'm bothered what people think. It's more like, people won't even know anyway haha.

A friend started off her blog with a verse of the year. Almost like a scriptural-based new year's resolution. So I will follow accordingly.

Lamentations 3:22-24:

Because of the LORD's great love we are not consumed,
for his compassions never fail.

They are new every morning;
great is your faithfulness.

I say to myself, "The LORD is my portion;
therefore I will wait for him.

That is the passage that stood out to me, which I came across in my Freedom In Christ discipleship book. It brought me great comfort...as it holds a lot of truth through the words "They are new every morning." I have never had a massive problem believing in the Word, but it was being sustained on it...rollercoasting through life, initially being blow upwards in emotional highs on draughts of impulsiveness and freedom, then coming down realising all the crap I left behind and falling on me...(not REAL crap...). With regards to this verse...I sought meaning and prayed. I felt the Lord just said "I said your leg will be ok. I am the Lord. Chill." This leads me to a new year's resolution...although I don't make them (simply because my will and determination regarding new year's resolutions are crap), I've found one to make, in order to help me. Don't play football WITH people.

And fair enough. But I'm so sick of BEING. I can't do it anymore...it's like, what kind of leader am I? Why am I such a bully? Why do I talk so much? Even if I can put down my cause and journey into how my traits and attributes amalgamate into Me, Who Cares?

This is just sounding like teenage angst. I'm still trying hard to find my place in church. I don't want to just go through "the motions." I want to live and act in faith. Can I just be SELFLESS? Can I just find joy in OTHER things, like the joy in people's lives? Can I just stop asking so much of myself? There's just times...when I want to cry out to someone...but they don't have time to listen...So I think it's just me and the Lord...and that my life/purpose is to try to help those who need it. I don't understand something...or need help. But, then they'll turn around and say "You don't understand ME!". So what do I do?

I wait on Him...but life is just a monotonous tone...filled with judgement and individualism. I can't be "myself". I'm sort of losing my head now; who am I, anyway? Do you sum it up and derive from one-word adjectives, then construct your mental image and persona of that person from there? "Friendly", "judgemental", "evil", "bully", "careless", "useless", "church".Pfft, even the MUSIC I listen to, you'll draw something from that. If my actions could speak and be the wrench to help you fit the parts together, then I don't think I'll ever speak about myself again.

Sort of difficult...even I don't understand myself. Is this what they mean when they say the world is perched (or sat, weighing down, anchored) on your shoulder?

I don't have any self direction, unfortunately. I'm not sure what job I want. I don't know what I'm doing in church, besides helping out as I know how. Heck, I don't know too much.

I don't know the joy of being "young" and "carefree" anymore. Responsibility and maturity are the two ankle weights that keep me on earth. I have yet another mould to fit. If I had to follow someone for direction...be like someone...do things which are acknowledged and associated as "good", as shown by "someone", it would just be Jesus...because I feel like an outcast from everywhere I go. And I enjoy the blog, because I think no-one reads it, besides just one person. And he lives in Brunei. My feelings are my own.

And I know what you're thinking. "Ok. Heard enough. I'm bored. Shut up, now."

V

Stained Glass Masquerade

2007-12-31T00:38:00.000+01:00

Is there anyone that fails
Is there anyone that falls
Am I the only one in church today feelin’ so small

Cause when I take a look around
Everybody seems so strong
I know they’ll soon discover
That I don’t belong

So I tuck it all away, like everything’s okay
If I make them all believe it, maybe I’ll believe it too
So with a painted grin, I play the part again
So everyone will see me the way that I see them

Are we happy plastic people
Under shiny plastic steeples
With walls around our weakness
And smiles to hide our pain
But if the invitation’s open
To every heart that has been broken
Maybe then we close the curtain
On our stained glass masquerade

Is there anyone who’s been there
Are there any hands to raise
Am I the only one who’s traded
In the altar for a stage

The performance is convincing
And we know every line by heart
Only when no one is watching
Can we really fall apart

But would it set me free
If I dared to let you see
The truth behind the person
That you imagine me to be

Would your arms be open
Or would you walk away
Would the love of Jesus
Be enough to make you stay

Well if the invitation’s open
To every heart that has been broken
Maybe then we close the curtain
On our stained glass masquerade

Is there anyone that fails
Is there anyone that falls
Am I the only one in church today feelin’ so small

i

2007-12-26T23:34:00.000+01:00

To the world, I am anonymity,
An extreme and severely dangerous individual;
“Is he weird or what?”
“Is he a loser? Doing that by himself?”
“Oh God, here we go again, he’s in a mood”
“He’s SO unfunny…”
“Erm…what’s with his hair?

With every word I have to stumble and reassess,
With every breath, must I mumble?
With each step forward, external
Opinion and first person perspective
Anchors progress in the ground.

The weight of the world
Sits in tailor carved grooves,
These impressions peppered all over me
Like fierce cancer.

And I shiver in resistance against the weight,
That sweeps through my hair, if it blows
East or west.
It soaks into my clothes, most prominently
Emanating from the brand logo,
“Popular – WEAR ME OR ELSE”.
Acute reactions when words leave my lips,
And are subject to critical analysis,
Regardless of intent,
Despite direction.
When my age will come into direct contrast
To what I do and what I can do.
When I might smile, and engage in
Conversation, they play the card “guilt by association.”
When my problems arise,
And rise to the surface,
Through involuntary physiological reactions,
Also known as a giggle, or tears.
When I express my true self,
Hoping for tolerance, or at the least,
For an impassive filter for it to slip through.

I feel it most
When I am told
“You don’t know how to BE”
And am presented the mould
That I must fit.
And that mould, I struggle
And worm
And writhe instinctively,
Until I am presented with the dilemma;

Is there a way to Houdini my way out
Smoothly, or

Do I learn to enjoy
Constriction of conformity,
Forcefully or conditionally?

“Acceptance was an exclusive membership;
Now open to all, with a small fee
Of yourself
And judgement heaving in floods
To make you a valuable member.
Enjoy your life.”

burden

2007-12-24T23:01:00.000+01:00

It is Christmas Eve.

It only occurred to me that I don't know what I'm doing tonight.

The TV blares
The computers grumble

And I'm sat in front of a laptop, blogging.

I guess we're quite disjointed at the moment, as a family. Brother aggravates the computer, whilst Dad absorbs the noise of digital entertainment.

I have a heavy heart.

That I need to be a certain way...that I need to be moulded in a certain way...in order to fit into certain criteria as society suggests...as individuals suggests...as organisations suggests...as 6:13 dictates...suddenly, I feel so cramped. That I can't make a joke anymore. That I can't find joy in what I find joy in. The way I talk must change, because it's not enough/not expected. How I cut my hair isn't suitable or isn't acceptable. The clothes I wear aren't fashionable enough to represent church or the university. How often I spend somewhere in one time is too long. How MATURE I am; I need to be always sensible, always calm, always focused, never laughing, never joyful, never distracted, never me. I just don't know who I am anymore...who am I Jesus, if I'm supposed to be found in You, yet I'm not living up to these expectations of people, church, university, or others?

There must be more than what I know. I get the nagging feeling again...the instinctive knowledge that I'm putting God in His holy box...no matter how big or small it is, I subconsciously place Him there, due to what I have previously experienced.

Do I not have enough faith, to see big things happen? Do I need to do more? Do I need to do less? I have no idea about balance right now...in terms of learning and serving...even though both are a life long act of worship...or even any other ingredient involved in this big mix I know by "my walk with God".

I asked my Dad before "when have you seen a miracle in your life...impossible, against the odds incident?"

"Myself." he replied. "That I could come to know Him and that I am accepted, despite whatever I have done and said in the past. That He called my name three times and wants to know me and love me that much...myself. It's not about miracles. He's not bound by time, space and occassion. He works as He will. It's about the relationship."

And suddenly, the one thing I yearn so pitifully and so urgently for, was suddenly answered, in such a small way. That I could receive knowledge and wisdom from my parent. Even if it wasn't my mum, my dad is still my parent. And now I know I can approach him to ask.

And that I miss His voice. To just rest in His presence...and hear what He wants for me. I think I need to take my mind off of all the things that weigh me...my knee, my ankle, my studies, my future career, 6:13, church, how to grow, how to speak into people's lives, responding at the right times and creating the opportunities, how to speak to my family...just so many things...so overwhelming...yet, I want to just love Him more...

The heart of worship. There must be more.

V

In Your Freedom

2007-12-22T00:53:00.000+01:00

I search for You God of strength
I bow to You in my brokenness
And no other King could have so humbly come
To save my soul and heal my heart

I have nothing more than all You offer me
There is nothing else that’s of worth to me

And I love You Lord
You rescued me
You are all that I want
You’re all that I need

I pray to You God of peace
I rest in You my cares released
I have nothing more than all You offer me
There is nothing else that’s of worth to me

And I love You Lord
You rescued me
You are all that I want
You’re all that I need

In Your freedom I will live
In Your freedom I will live
I offer devotion, I offer devotion

-------------------------------------

In Your Freedom - Hillsong Church

christmas time

2007-12-18T00:04:00.000+01:00

And by "Christmas time" I am referring to the holidays.

How am I spending it?

Currently I'm doing jury duty...if you've registered to be legible for electoral rights, then you are entered into the government database for jury duty...so I can vote...but I don't...cause I don't follow the politics of the country, which is bad...and I am therefore available to be on a jury panel.

Jury duty...you ask, "what's that? What do you do?" Well...imagine all those law scenes in films. Ally Mcbeal? Remember that show? I'm one of the people who votes with other people whether someone is guilty or not, after all the evidence has been presented. Sixty other people have been selected to do it this week...I only have to do it this week, as Christmas and New Year's Day is right around the corner.

If your name is read out whilst in the waiting room, you are one of the fifteen people to be available for being selected on the jury panel, which consists of twelve people...so that means that three people still might not do anything and will just get sent back.

I was sent back, haha...It's very nerve-wracking though. You swear an oath...and you are possibly condemning someone to a harsh sentence; deservedly or not is your own opinion.

Either way, I'm spending my first week of holiday alone. My housemates went back to Kenya and Ghana. I'm home alone for now...and praise the Lord. I need this time to reflect. To bask in His presence and just relax...Christmas cards need doing, as well as the monotonous duty of...wrapping =.="

But praise the Lord for my housemates. I don't feel as lonely. I see God's goodness through their company and playfulness, just lightening up the air and warming up the atmosphere, even if a fraction of a degree. The bite of cold is diluted when you're with people. When you have hope.

This year, I'm walking with Him, through a difficult time of the year for my family. I'm spending my time remembering Him and people, not myself.

I found an awesome quote that really blesses me when I read it...

"The Christian faith is not true because it works; it works because it is true...It is not simply 'true for us'; it is true for any who seek in order to find, because truth is true even if nobody believes it and falsehood is false even if everybody believes it" - Os Guinness.

How do I solidify my feelings? How do I personify my attitude and ambition at the moment? A thought comes to mind...fire. And after a moments thought, with fingers on the line, crouched and poised to explode with thought and expression...I came out with this.

Fire; rampage and rustle, weave and transpose, stay and be, blaze fierce or flicker mildly, stay and be.

After reading my nonsense, I realised what I feel like. No matter how big or small my passion for Him may be, I will love Him all the same, because He loves me all the time too.

With Him and holding on.
V

November update.

2007-11-26T01:12:00.000+01:00

Uni work has taken up all the appointments in my life book. It's been a long past couple of weeks. Independent research essay, physio rehab, getting a new laptop,being jobless here and there...

Last Sunday, the worship band (on the day, it was me, Matt, Andy, Ste, Chris, Karen and Tim) went to Barnsley. Matt volunteered us to play for his parents church which they planted. What was interesting...was that this church hasn't had live worship for a long time. Their only musician left over technical difficulties that couldn't be compromised...However, the church's heart of worship was still evident. They tried to do CD worships and sometimes, without any instruments except for percussion, such as the tambourines, shaky things that make noise because of the beads inside them and all that stuff. They would sing, regardless of key, and just sing together. I wasn't sure what to expect when I arrived at the front doors of the church, as I was unloading the drums.

They were God's children alright. And they were hungry to praise His name. There were fewer than the maximum seating capacity...but it didn't sound like that. It was quite an old congregation, the average age about 50/60 years old. I just closed my eyes...and prayed that my faith would be answered; that they would respond to God, and I just did my job, as He wanted. The first song was Blessed Be Your Name. God really spoke to me about this song...despite it being a boring chord cycle and the words sometimes repetitive...the meaning was oh so clear. Romans 8:34-39 came alive to me recently...how, no matter how crap we feel...God never abandons us. His love can't be separated, despite how much we hate Him or when we sin, messing up a lifetime over; He loves us the same, cause it's how He is (psch...what You like, God? =p) He is the same God today, tomorrow, when we were depressed, when we were sinning and turned away from Him. He never forsake us...and His love was never absent in all times of our lives. That's what that song meant; to praise God no matter what the season, no matter how rugged the storm or how high the hurdle is.

The roof fell off. Their fault. Voices/hearts broke it. Hope they have insurance. It's a nice church as well.

The rest of the session went well, but I'm in a constant battle with myself; my heart of worship has NOTHING to do with how well I perform. If the congregation's heart isn't focused and their joy to worship God and Jesus isn't there...then what good is a guitar when people lose the reason to worship? Truly, it's only God who does the hard work. Only Him. He'll move mountains, tear down walls in hearts and open eyes.

That session was such a blessing. We went to another church, together and blessed another congregation by playing music to the best of our abilities; God moved that day. Yes, music does cause us to be passionate because of a whole number of things, but the thing that allows us to feel even more passionate, is when we tunnel our vision on Jesus...and how we are allowed to sing these songs to Father God, because Jesus makes us holy...He allows us to enter God's holy presence...we played to the best of our abilities, and the congregation were allowed to express themselves even more because their was music; direction in terms of key and the praise we wanted to sing, such as asking for the Holy Spirit to fall down from the lyrics of Consuming Fire, or declaring that we will live in awe of Him, because He is God alone, from the lyrics of Till I See You.

There was that...recently, I attended my first session of rehabilitation. The class I go to is called the ACL (Anterior Cruciate Ligament) session...for people just like me. It was a massive comfort to see other faces there who were in the same position as me. The physio is called Leanne (I think that's how you spell it...) She told me it's possible to get back to full functioning, without surgery. Ibi's pastor had a prophesy a while back...he said "the guy who's ligament is torn...you're gonna be fine." I guess God doesn't lie...

Yet, people are constantly nagging and pushing, reminding, sliding in warnings between breaths to "be careful. you don't want to do anything to yourself." And I shrug it off. They don't know the limit of my body. I can "handle" it...or at least some of it. Yet I've discovered how to endanger yourself further than sustaining an injury, against all previous warning. I hurt my ankle when playing in Leeds. By momentarily thinking I was Bruce Lee at the peak of my game. I don't know if it's a simple sprain or damaged muscle.

Yet you are so temperamental, so fragile.
You don't give me warning,
and the slightest nick could prove
harmful in the foreseeable future,
masking my endeavor with a veil,
this veil I can't look past because it hurts so much.
I aim to hit my target, connecting foot with ball,
and all I have to show for it are purple and blue hinderances.

I am wary of other people; their silhouettes
Flicker at the front of my mind
And the back of my eyes.
Feet conscious, scanning the field,
Position
Then dart into the space
Pinning your place
And striking with clinical precision.

Yet, you constantly hold me back.
You prevent me from exploring my limits
Without consequence.

I am wary of other people; their silhouettes
Flicker at the front of my mind
And the back of my eyes.

Yet the most dangerous one is
Me.

V

Guitars

2007-11-13T02:03:00.000+01:00

Guitar. A strange instrument, which attracts much attention when someone sees it, regardless of how much musical and practical knowledge they possess. EVERYONE picks it up if possible, fiddling with it and playing something...melodic or otherwise (haha!)

I've been learning for 5 years now. A couple of years were difficult because I sort of lost interest, but I quickly picked it up again, after playing more in youth group and then church. Even know...I've developed a hunger to know more, but unsure as how to feed it. Sort of learning scales and whatnot...but looking to improve somehow!! I started putting the guitar in a metaphorical box of limitation. Haha, I play acoustic and electric, but electric is for fun...I'm a rhythm guitarist, so I play chords and strum, as opposed to the crazy electric solos that mash up the song and are cool.

Acoustic guitar...boxed. Until I found this rather funky dood who turned my world upside down. It's like "NO....that's just WRONG; how did you DO thaT???"

Boxed? I don't think so.

V

abstinence

2007-11-02T14:45:00.000+01:00

ab·sti·nence

n.
1. The act or practice of refraining from indulging an appetite, as for food.
2. Abstention from alcoholic beverages.

Well, it seems that this is the way for me and my leg. Perhaps I am abstaining from football. I choose to stay away from football.

I'm a liar.

"Have you lost any sleep over your knee?" - multiple physios
"No", I said, quickly, everytime.

But last night...it finally struck home. My posterior cruciate ligament, which is actually rare to damage, is fully torn. It will never be the same again. I've destroyed a part of my body. What's more, someone has said that "Surgery to repair the Posterior Cruciate ligament is controversial due to its placement and technical difficulty."

All those times Dad said "aiya...don't play too hard, you'll end up hurting yourself." Discarded, like whispers in the wind. But what happens when you discard words from the wise? You end up learning the hard way.

Forget not being able to play football for six months. I have destroyed a vital muscle in my knee...that will never grow back again. I'll never be able to run without care or jump up and down for joy again, without surgery...either way. My ligament is destroyed.

God, you do the impossible...could you spare me some of your healing powers, if I reached out, Jesus and touched you, would my faith restore that? Or am I to go through life impaired because of my exuberance and carelessness...

Yet as I came home to a pair of bubbly housemates, the situation lifted. What you have in store for me, invisible God, I don't know...but what my housemate said was "Who made you? Who can fix you?"

I have no other hope than You...but I don't know what to do. Give me direction, while I abstain from myself and pick up my cross...

v

brand

2007-11-02T00:28:00.000+01:00

I'm not sure what I'm going to blog about now.

I've taken it off Facebook and my msn screen name...simply because not many people read this blog. Understandably too, it's very self centred. It's another outlet of my thoughts and feelings besides my journal.

I came home on Monday after a sweaty badminton session with Layla, Marcus, Ibi and Odo. It's becoming quite regular. Enjoyable, I guess.

Dad cooked. Gave me a few instructions. Then he left. And it was just me and Daniel in the house. Again.

I didn't know what to do. He was so uncooperative when I asked him to come off the computer. Unidimensional, is what Mel described him as. How true. He was so antagonistic when I politely asked him. Then for 3 hours, he was mithering me to allow him to go back on in the morning. I didn't allow him. I said that my rule when I'm looking after him was no computer games until 6pm, or until he finished his tasks I set him. As soon as I said that...I remembered Mum. I remembered all those times she spent praying with me, or those times I was made to remember verses, massaging me when my back was to the door and immersed in my world of anime, self-conscious paranoia and football.

A friend recently posted a video about a teacher, Taylor Mali, expressing his passion to teach. It wasn't to show them the beauty of the world, or force their ideals onto them, moulding youth into becoming their personal army of mindless puppets. Rather, this teacher just showed that regardless of how much money he was paid, or what his pupils thought of his techniques or teaching styles, he made a difference. It set off a long train of thought in my head. All those ruthless businessmen now, were probably bored by their teachers in school, sat on their desks thinking to themselves, "Why waste time here when I could be out there earning money by myself? I don't need this guy to teach me." and their was their mark of independance, the teacher's brand of difference. Adolf Hitler, apparently, developed his hate for Jewish people because he was bullied by one when he was younger, and thus went on to teach all generations that Jewish people are the scum of the Earth; Hitler's patented brand of justice and difference left a scar in history, ringing forever.

What does this have to do with me?

Suddenly, I'm taking the role of "teacher". Even more, I have become the "guardian". Many people can be relaxed about this. I SHOULD be relaxed. It's not in my inherent nature to be worked up about something excessively...yet when it comes to Daniel, I have to iron out my problems and see to it that he's going to see this life through...suddenly, I nearly feel like a FATHER. And it's a strange feeling.

However, moving that aside, I set Daniel some practise SATS questions from English, Maths, and Science papers. On top, tried to get some extra curricular activities there, like "practise guitar/piano for twenty minutes"...or otherwise. The thing I included Mum in, was the learning the bible verses...I found a book called "God's promises". It shows you all of Jesus's Names, or titles from the bible, such as Jesus our Lord, Jesus our Saviour. These are all backed by verses...and I make Daniel learn two from each title. I made him learn John 3:16 the other day...and I've never felt so overwhelmed by my responsibility. This is a taster of what is to come in the future, in my family. But God, as you see this, his anger and impatience to get on the computer, his uncooperation, his nonchalance about you, his hormones that rage and war inside producing words of discouragement and rebellion, let this be my prayer; as you see him and you see me, I want to let the world know that I'll be damned before I let him slip away from You, or from a healthy lifestyle beyond what he knows as "safe".

Although I've got the flu at the moment, I'm not going to let it deteriorate Daniel's teachings. This family is going to pull through together. And Jesus, You're at the head of the helm. Please give us some directions.

V

Time after time

2007-10-24T13:04:00.000+02:00

Lying in my bed I hear the clock tick and think of you
Caught up in circles confusion is nothing new

You say, go slow
I fall behind
The second hand unwinds

If you're lost
You can look
And you will find me
Time after time
If you fall
I wall catch you
I'll be waiting
Time after time
Time after time
Time after time

Sometimes you picture me I'm walking to far ahead
You're calling to me I can't hear just what you've said

You say, go slow
I fall behind
The second hand unwinds

If you're lost
You can look
And you will find me
Time after time
If you fall
I wall catch you
I'll be waiting
Time after time

After my picture fades and darkness has turned to grey
Watching through windows you're wondering if I'm okay

But you Say go slow
I fall behind
The drum beats out of time

If you're lost you
You can look
And you will find me
Time after time
If you fall
I wall catch you
I'll be waiting
Time after time

Time after time
Time after time

---------------------------------

Things are fixed in my house. Yes, I am referring to the internet AND the central heating. But most importantly, everyone is speaking to each other.

I haven't been able to worship properly all week because i had a fallout with my housemate. She said that I have been very selfish and that I have only been considering things that directly concern me. How very true. It struck a chord with me.

As soon as I managed to be reconciled with her and God...I found that the time I spent with God was so precious last night. There were no fireworks in the sky announcing my comeback, or a massive celebration. Just me in my room, talking to God in the silence. And that time was precious.

I was really caught by the words from that song, especially from the way that Quietdrive do it. How He catches us, everytime we fall, no matter how far we run from Him. When we call, He will be waiting.

Keep chasing.

V

Christian Music is Crap.

2007-10-15T00:23:00.000+02:00

"Yeah! And 9 times out of 10, the actual MUSIC blows. Its the same lame 4 chord progressions over and over again until i just want to shoot myself in the head. Where's there creativity? Where's the talent? Where's the "Melt-your-face-off-hardcore-metal-emotion"?

Even though I am a Christian, it is my personal opinion that most christian music blows. Take it as you will. You will not find any Newsboys or DC Talk in my CD binder..."

I found this in a Facebook discussion group. That's the most offensive thing I've ever heard. When I read that, I was lost for words.

Recently, I've been struggling with selfishness. Although not directly obvious, it is prominent in my nature when you look carefully at the pattern of what I do, why I do it and when I do things.

Yet, this person has seriously angered me.

Since when did we sing worship songs for our benefit? When did we honour ourselves and had the power to change lives, create eternal life after our time on earth?

This girl or woman, declaring her detest for Christian Music, appears to have completely missed the point of the music. We don't sing or listen to it for our sake. We don't make it, either, to show how great we are and how awesome, divine our talents are.

It's all for God's glory.

V

Light.

2007-10-12T00:12:00.000+02:00

Sometimes...it's hard to go through life knowing that I'm saved. How am I saved?

Jesus found me. I didn't find Jesus. Jesus ran after me, when I ran away from Him. Ironic, right?

Yet, as sweet and pleasant the story is, so many people don't know of His saving Grace. Of why we "worship" and "adore" our "king". It's like...everyday, people are storing up this pain inside of them. The pain we all know too well...when you want to hide away, only to find another stash of hurt, guilt and shame from your past relationships, your past comments, your previous hate and anger...all the things that are like tailor made anchors, resting on your shoulders.

As time has passed, yes, Jesus lifts those anchors. As Nicola Li, a recent sister in Christ put it so simply, you feel "a lot lighter." Excercise not neccessary. No treadmill involved. Just faith and wanting to turn that new leaf. Yet how many people continue to run, in order to stand still...always being chased by the world. And everytime we run, everytime we think we're in complete isolation, where the only help possible available to us to either numb the pain or escape it for a short while...are drugs...sex...violence...indulgence in pleasures not holy to God...everytime we don't turn to God, it's like a stab in His heart. With a red hot iron rod...We run so far from Him. And when I mean "we", there's a whole WORLD out there, where not even a significant fraction of them know of Jesus's work on the cross.

So what can I possibly do? Me against the world. Me against Satan. There's so many people to tell, so much to explain...where do I start?

Well...to quote William Wilberson from Amazing Grace...he responds, when he is offered authority that could change the world, "I would change myself first, before I can change the world."

How true. How can we change anyone, if we ourselves are not fully changed to be like Jesus?

Let me encourage you, brothers and sisters. If you have a gift, do not look down on it, regardless of how BIG and AWESOME the world labels it, such as worship leading, guitar playing, acting or dancing. They are big ministries within the Christian world nowadays. Yes, they play big parts. But if your HEART is big...how much will you bless others? Just by pouring that coffee out...by giving them a little leaflet you made for them or a badge with their name on it, to show them they are part of your fellowship, whether it's youth group or church...laying out the chairs, even smiling and greeting them. Talking to them and showing them church isn't a place where people are devoured whole and smashed in with bibles...Let me tell you now. Preaching and worshipping are NOT the only ways to save people. God works through YOU (imagine the American Uncle Sam poster, but with God on it pointing at you and looking at you kindly). He will work through EVERYTHING you got. Bring your friends to youth group. Invite them to the fellowship you enjoy. Remember, it's GOD doing the work, not YOU on your own. Romans 8:31 says "If God is for us, who can be against you?"

If you went to yNEEC 2007, Capt1v8ed, then you will know what I mean when I say TRUST. But if you didn't, the name refers to 1 Corinthians 1:8 - "He will keep you strong til the end, so that you will be blameless on the day of our Lord Jesus Christ." That does mean that you will be a Holy Bruce Lee, smacking people with spiritual 1 inch punches and flying through the air, bringing people to Christ with your crazy Gospel skills. However, that can only happen...if you trust in God. Trust in Him, that He is working in your friends' lives, even if it's slowly. Don't think you need to be this awesome disciple who can just straight away bring people to Jesus at the click of your fingers...

Worshipping isn't picking up a guitar, smacking the drums or churning out these awesome melodies with your voice. John 4:23 - Yet a time is coming and has now come when the true worshipers will worship the Father in spirit and truth, for they are the kind of worshipers the Father seeks.

What this verse means, when Jesus said it to the Samaritan woman...was...that God isn't found in a building. He isn't JUST there when you are singing songs, or praying. God is everywhere...and we worship God, right? That verse means that we worship God everywhere...in Spirit and in Truth. The truth is found in the bible. The spirit will tell you how to act in the world, and not be PART of the world. Everything we do. Tidying up our house, saying thanks to your Mum for washing up, doing your homework neatly and on time, turning up to lessons on time, drinking coke instead of beer in the club, abstaining from drugs or smoking, keeping your eyes focused on God...by worshipping God with your BODY, you are pleasing God. And as you worship God more and more, seeking Him everyday and "knowing His will" by reading the bible and praying regularly...you will see changes in yourself. You will be "overflowing with thankfulness" for what Jesus did on that cross and for how great our God is.

Just by doing that, you will bring so many people to God. Trust me. Trust God.

No matter what your gift is. God always uses you much greater than you know...Just with your beautiful smile. Your tireless efforts behind the scenes, laying out and tidying up chairs. Organising events. Designing posters. Saying hello when new people walk in, or saying hello to the lonely people in school. Associating yourself with people no one likes. Serving out drinks and biscuits. Reading out the bible passage for that day. Tidying up. Doing homework on time. There are so many testimonies I can share with you...

There is one Angela Yau. She has a tutor. Her tutor's husband died a year ago. She was lonely and empty. Yet, with Angela ignorant of this, her tutor kept coming back, week after week willingly and anticipating it. Why? Because she enjoyed Angela's company. She enjoyed Angela's youthfulness, her smiles and giggles. She saw Jesus in Angela.

Tom Lau. He is an evangelist. He is not afraid to go up to people on buses, who he has never met and say "So. Jesus. Do you know Him?" But, what's the best thing about Tom...is how friendly and gentle he is. Just by being himself...people are drawn to him.

Steven Li. He brings his friends to 6:13 (MCCC's youth group). He just says "hey, come along to my youth group! It's well fun!" Through 6:13, his friends can see how Steven is the same as he is outside of 6:13. They are exposed to Jesus' love.

Don't look down on your gift. You are God's gift to the earth. You will go on to do so many amazing things. Show the world how much God loves them. If you were touched by this post...tell God how much you love Him.

Keep Chasing Him.

V

Branches.

2007-10-10T01:47:00.000+02:00

6:13D today was awesome.

Had our worship set. Sang "From The Inside Out". Chester was right. There's something really special about that song. Whether it's the key, the frequencies of guitar during the pre-chorus, the harmonies available throughout the song, or everything as a mish mash, I don't know what makes it so good. It's just an awesome cry out to God.

Vinny K was sharing some stuff from God's word today. He shared with us two passages...Romans 4:17 - As it is written: "I have made you a father of many nations." He is our father in the sight of God, in whom he believed—the God who gives life to the dead and calls things that are not as though they were.

Vinny K was homing into something. But my mind was too distracted at the time. What he did talk about also, was Romans 8:6-10 - The mind of sinful man is death, but the mind controlled by the Spirit is life and peace; the sinful mind is hostile to God. It does not submit to God's law, nor can it do so. Those controlled by the sinful nature cannot please God. You, however, are controlled not by the sinful nature but by the Spirit, if the Spirit of God lives in you. And if anyone does not have the Spirit of Christ, he does not belong to Christ. But if Christ is in you, your body is dead because of sin, yet your spirit is alive because of righteousness.

His point here was so true...that if your mind is sinful, then it is hostile to God. It's like poking God with a hot rod lots of times...it hurts Him. If your mind is sinful, you cannot submit to His will and bring glory to Him. HOWEVER (this is the best bit), we are set free from that. Because the Holy Spirit reigns in our hearts. Our lives have been set free because Jesus's blood cleans us from our sin, so we can be made right with Daddy above. That's what Jesus did for us when he died a hard, gruesome, gritty, unneccessary, painful death. He allowed us...to enter God's presence...without being burnt up by His Holiness.

So with that knowledge and the Helmet of Salvation, may the Meditation of our hearts and the words of our mouths be pleasing to God...(psalm 19:14).

I had a vision today, after meditating some. There is a new youth in our presence on Sundays. His name is Lim. He is the epitome of the new generation of youth in Britain...He is rebellious, his interests hardly diverge from games and smashing windows, and , actual quote word for word, "hanging out in gangs of thirty." He is someone who society are trying to "fix", because they are nothing more than a problem to the economy. And he is fighting back.

Vinny K spoke to him very uncharacteristically. He responded, as soon as Lim said he likes to get up to no good, that he has a choice. 6:13 could very well change his life. He could take the alternative path and see what there is to life. Being free in Christ is what Vinny K could've said...but he just said the alternative. Then Lim had a change; a prick in his heart, where the pressure bled out, curiosity and contemplation overwhelming him; what more IS there to life?

I have this awesome vision. It progressively came as I thought more and more since Sunday. It's of a tree. But that wasn't the most prominent feature. The most prominent feature...was the branches sticking out. Lim was one of those branches. It was firm and thick, with more branches sprouting from it on every side. It was an awesome sight. Yes, Steven, Anna, Andy, Vivian, Charlotte and other people were there, blossoming and producing beautiful fruit. But I saw a glimpse, a minute fraction of what God has in store for Lim.

God is going to answer my prayers from the summer. This year is going to see 6:13 shake foundations and expand, and tongues of flames that slither along the floor, reaching out and drawing more to its fire. God is so working here now. This year will see Him move. 6:13 is ready to explode.

Thank you God, for the vision I can aim for. Thank you that I can see what you have in store for the youth and that everyone is found in You.

Keep Chasing Him.

V

Solitude

2007-10-06T01:53:00.001+02:00

I've been so angry this week. Maybe a bit at God. A lot of anger directed towards myself. But I was angry at my situation. There was a period of looking for someone to blame. The feelings bled into the memories of mum and in a strange, personified way, this anger mixed in with my loss and kept nagging,"Why me?? Why should I have to do this? What's wrong with this family?"

And indeed, I couldn't do it on my own. It was a tough week, where worship was nearly out of my agenda.

Today, I spent some good time reading God's word. I was just skimming through the New Testament, before I headed out to watch Michael Clayton.

I read Mark, and came across 1:35-2:8. It was about Jesus going into a solitary place at silly A.M in the morning, just to spend time with God in peace and quiet, where no one could disturb him. Following that, Jesus healed a leper and instructed him not to tell anyone of his miraculous healing, but the healed man couldn't hold his joy, and drew a lot of attention to JC from all over. It was hectic for JC from there on; even trying to go home found him healing and rebuking some people. He really didn't have much rest...but what struck me, was that whether he knew how busy he would be or not, Jesus needed time alone to spend with God. I don't know what he prayed for; it might've been giving thanks, asking for God to give him strength and endurance for the next couple of days, for wisdom in how to teach. He just needed the time alone, otherwise he wouldn't have made that time with God. It's not even like Jesus thought "I'll see how my day progresses, but I'll definitely set some time apart." He did it in the morning, because it's a necessity, regardless of what we need, or what may happen in the future. I needed that time alone with God so much...but bad planning this week found me struggling for any time alone with God. I only felt His presence strongly when I was with other people. So what did I learn this week/today? When you need the time, don't complain; make it. God's listening all the time and waiting for you to talk. So initiate the conversation.

Michael Clayton was ok. We missed 15 minutes of the movie, because we were waiting for Ibi's and Odoley's friends. However, it didn't affect the story TOO much. It's really complicated...so if you watch it, have your thinking hat on..!

I've also decided I really like Planetshakers and don't really feel Chris Tomlin's style. Saosin has been growing on me, after I heard a song, called You're Not Alone. Bringing back the emo and punk days..!

Keep Chasing.

V

Silent Sigh

2007-10-04T17:38:00.000+02:00

The air is so cold today. The sun lies when I walk down my road; beams go through me, without a bounce or nestling on my skin.

Be still, and know that I am God.
I will be exalted among the nations,
I will be exalted in the earth.

The God Almighty is with us;
the God of Jacob is our fortress.
Selah.

Ramblings of a Beggar

2007-10-03T23:30:00.000+02:00

I was reading a book on the way home after a long day. It's called "What's So Amazing About Grace?" by Philip Yancey.

I felt God was speaking to me through Yancey's words.

I won't give you back your mum.

But what I can give you, is comfort.

What I will give you, is pardon, without hesitance.

I will give you humility, rising you above your pain.

I will host a banquet, in your name when you come back to me.

I will not need you to spend your life working your debt off for me.

I will give you several attempts, not just a one off shot at life.

Grace means I cannot love you any more than I do.

Grace means that racism, pornography, murder, masochism, addiction, depression, escapism or adultery will not make me love you any less.

I will spend all my riches on you and want nothing back. I will spend my money as I will; I invest everything in you.

Because I love you. You shall be known as "the one Jesus loves."

The fact that God loves me always...and constantly has his arms open, no matter where I am on the road, lying and awaiting death on the side, keeled over and panting for air, or running towards Him with arms wide open...the knowledge makes my shoulders ease up, better than any supple pair of hands, with the ingrained knowledge of massaging.

I feel like standing up again.

Round Two.

2007-10-01T22:32:00.000+02:00

So, the second year has come around.

I remember starting this blog about a year ago, because a certain Kam Cheng convinced me to.

How has it started? Pretty good, I guess. I'm alive and kicking. I'm living with three great people in my own house. I've a solid group of friends in uni. I've learnt much about myself, which is what I wanted when I put down "Psychology BSc Hons" on my course choices. And I'm out of action for sport/football for at least 6 months.

Where do I start? I guess you'll want to know about how I moved into my house.

Originally, I thought that I would like to move out somewhere ideally close to uni and church, maybe slightly closer to church...The main reason for this was so that I wasn't being a leech any longer to my Dad. Personally, independance is when people aren't pursuing you, asking after things that you should have sorted out through good planning and initiative. For example..."Do you want me to cook for you?" Or "Do you want me to wash up the dishes?"; "Have you hoovered your room up yet?". I felt a quick and dirty way of learning a lot of that is through moving out and spending a year doing things on my own.

So, around June, I started asking some of my friends on my course. Initially, me and two girls were looking. After a while, one of my friends pulled out, because she couldn't maintain the cost of her car and house; she put her car as a higher priority than moving out, because she could be more independant, going where she wanted, when she wanted. That left me with my coursemate, Odoley...who is a girl. A guy being left in a house alone with a girl...leaves him in an untenable position. It's like saying "let's do dodgy things together" every night we're alone, even if things seem ok for the first few months. So I pulled out too. Looked like I was going to stay at home...until a friend told me he wanted to move to Manchester so he could be closer to his friends. Awesome. So I called back Odoley, who had nowhere to stay when I last checked. She was actually teaming up with Ibi, another coursemate, and someone else. So, we quickly joined forces against the forces of accomodation-less evil and became a gang of five. After lots of looking around, we eventually landed on two places where we wanted to move into soon, as uni was starting not too far from then. One place was dirt cheap, but when me and Odoley looked at it, the place wasn't finished...he promised us it would've been done in a month, more or less in time for us to start uni. The other place was gorgeous; lots of the furniture and utensils were brand new. However...the larger size of the unfinished house appealed to the majority of our gang of five. So...we eventually decided to go. Haha. Odoley and Ibi came all the way from London with a single coach ticket, with all their gear; suitcases, hairdryers, textbooks, all their uni malarky. I meet them and we get a taxi to the house. We arrive. We open the door.

It's unfinished.

And when I mean it's unfinished, I didn't mean that half the house hadn't been built yet. Not QUITE as dramatic as that. However, the ONLY shower in the house wasn't functioning, the rubbery solder material that joins the bath to the wall, which is originally WHITE, was BLACK. The toilet wasn't working. There was a slug living on my window sill (in the room I was GOING to move into, anyways!). Phone wires were dangling from the ceiling. Spices were strewn all over the drawers and kitchen floor. Even for students, this house wasn't suitable for living. That's saying something. Deflated and in despair, Ibi and Odoley retired to Ibi's aunty's place for the day. Soon after that incident, the fifth person, Odoley's friend who I haven't met yet, pulled out. Five became four. I had no idea what to do.

Until I remembered there was an aunty who owned a four person property. It was cheap, but everything was brand new. I called her, to find out that it was still available, but going soon, due to the high interest from other groups. We looked at it on a Friday. We moved in on the following Saturday.

God is good...because I have been praying in bits and babs across summer about the house, somewhere close to uni and church. Yet, even as we lost the opportunity to move in that day, because the landlord hadn't made sure the house was finished, I felt that God still had plans for me to move out. The house I'm in takes fifteen minutes to walk to uni or church. He's a faithful One. For sure.

Uni started on the 24th September. It felt almost good, knowing where I needed to be, which buildings where what, being able to walk on Oxford Road alone, with a purpose and not just idling about.

I attended Student Fellowship on Thursday. It is so good to be spiritually fed. Grace, the assistant fellowship leader. shared with us a passage from Haggai 1. The Lord was telling Haggai a message to pass onto the Jews, who were allowed to return to Jerusalem after a long time of exile. God was telling them to rebuild God's temple, not just rebuild their houses. "Give careful thought to your ways. You have planted much, but have harvested little. You eat, but never have enough. You drink, but never have your fill. You put on clothes, but are not warm. You earn wages, only to put them in a purse with holes in it." That's what God said to the Jews, in order to convey that as humans, we are never satisfied with what we have; even if we have money, we usually want more to be comfortable or safe, or to buy something we like. We might overeat, because we don't think we've had enough. Then God projects His message clearly by saying "Go up into the mountains and bring down timber and build the house, so that I may take pleasure in it and be honoured." (verse 8). "You expected much, but see, it turned out to be little. Why? Because of my house, which remains a ruin, while each of you is busy with his own house."

Grace's message to us was that although we are the temple of the Holy Spirit and need no physical construction of a place for God's presence, how often do we actually MAKE time for God and worship Him through prayer, reading His word, taking time out to preach the Gospel and just glorify Him, rather than putting God into OUR routine? Do we actually prioritise glorifying God first, before organising our lives?

That was such an awesome worship message. It reminded me very much of the 1 Timothy 4:1-5 message. It says that "If anyone sets his heart on being an overseer, he desires a noble task...He must manage his own family well and see that his children obey him with proper respect. (If anyone does not know how to manage his own family, how can he take care of God's church?)

As time passed...even after two weeks went by...I realised that it was so easy to be an irresponsible student. To just ditch my family behind and enjoy myself, as I wanted, all about me me me. Daniel is still young, but uneducated and without guidance in life, career wise, academically, socially or spiritually. Dad is so busy preparing sermons, flying to the other side of the world to preach, going to lectures and setting up his gambling help ministry, that he doesn't have much time to spend with his sons, or to maintain the house. Moving out, after realising this, was like a relentless, perpetual pain, gently carving, then tearing and scrunching up my stomach. Shelley, the mother of Samuel, said to me the night before they left for Canada, that Dad would be so lonely without my company.

Even now, Dad is away in Milton Keanes, attending lectures. For the next two weeks, I'm back in Bury, living and looking after Daniel.

And I just can't do it on my own...

Being a student isn't easy, by any means. You scrape by this phase in life by drawing money from sundry sources, frivolously playing where you will, working as hard you need or want and somehow, finding yourself with a degree, with your name scrawled in fancy handwriting, and looking for a job. Yet, my student life is...almost haunted by the fact I can't enjoy myself. I do love my youth. But Dad's family is now my family. The absense of Mum means that everyone has to play a part in holding it up; everyone is each other's pillars. I'm trying to reach out to Daniel, but our relationship has never been great.

I tore a posterior cruciate ligament in my knee four months ago playing football. I paid no attention to it, because I usually heal quick. I'm not injury prone. But as I couldn't play properly due to pains whilst I play, I checked it out. Via an appointment and MRI scan results, the Doctor told me that I can have surgery or have physio first and see how that lasts. I don't want them to cut open my knee, possibly due to the inhibition the fear of pain presents, or maybe I just don't trust them. Either way, I'm going to try physio for a couple of months and see how it heals.

I'll probably be out of action for six months. I have a lot of time to grow...but I pray that God will show me how. I'm getting the heavy shoulder feeling, where I know I need to go through this, yet I can't see past the end of my fingertips. God is faithful and He's shown me that. There's such a fine balance between having fun and responsibilty...discipline is a skill that needs to be reinforced day by day, through sacrifice after sacrifice. I Just Need You Here With Me Right Now...

Because...

I just can't do it on my own...

V

Samuel.

2007-09-07T15:59:00.000+02:00

There is a family of 3 staying at my humble home. The father is my Dad's course mate in Milton Keanes. The family is from China. They received their Visa to go to Canada. They will be leaving soon.

They have a child of seven, called Samuel. He is a gentle and kind kid, if sometimes naive and interruptive, without knowing that he is asking for constant attention and to be entertained all the time.

He seems to have taken a childish infatuation to me. I don't know how to respond. I want to love him; I do...but I can't speak Mandarin and he can't speak English. Communication is limited. Every action weighs equally. What do I do? I don't want to expose him to the hard violence and graphic nature of digital gaming...I don't want to reveal the subtle, corrupt beauty in Japanese anime and manga...I want to bless him with Godly knowledge. Yet my lifestyle doesn't always reflect that; example is waking up at 12/1 everyday for the past week. Why? Because I sleep late. There are so many others. Patience. Creativity. Understanding...I want to help. Yet I'm not sure what to do?

I entertain him with chess, showing him the universe through high quality digital photos captured in a book Dad got me years ago (which has been neglected). He entertains me through his Dragonball Z imitations of launching decimating fireballs from his hands, razing everything around him...then coming back to the reality I am watching him through adult eyes, departed and exclusive from his fantasy world. Playing in the garden is fruitful. Freaked out by all the slugs that are manifesting from the leaves and flowers though. It makes me think...how much more does it take to be a Dad? When shall I expose my child willingly to the horrors of the world, to toughen them up? What relationship will I enforce/sustain with them?

With Samuel...how will he remember me in the future?

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

“Jenga” blocks pepper the floor

As blocks of wood twirl, tumble and crash

Into a spiral fall to the carpet.

Palms thrust forward, repelling evil

With the might of super powers

And reputation of greatness.

Steely look of determination,

Whilst imagining the windows being blasted

Apart into countless shards, as enemies

Fly away.

Keyboard jangles,

Squeals in the garden,

Black and white pieces lost in strategy;

Relentless request to see digital entertainment -

Violence, action, affliction and virtual bloodshed

Or kindness, serenity, patience and understanding?

With every word, with every step

Every hug, every gaze and all our time,

How do I know to help you?

Come graduation

Welcoming marriage,

Finalising business transactions,

In isolation,

How will you remember me?

…will you remember me?

The weekend just gone.

2007-09-05T22:53:00.000+02:00

Although it has been 3 days since the weekend ended, I want to just let people know how my weekend went.

On Saturday, I finally had my opticians appointment that was due a while ago. Finally got around to booking it and attended in Bury at Specsavers. Then I met up with Tomps and we visited the Malaysian crew in New Samsi. We took a whole bunch of silly photos, but the aim was to say goodbye to Stephanie Chan, who left back to Malaysia on Monday, because she couldn't find a job in Manchester and she's finished her course.

After that, I bought the baptism cards and Look To You, an awesome Hillsong United album, as well as Chris Tomlin's See The Morning.

The night was spent preparing for the next day.

The Sunday morning was spent getting up at 6am, leaving the house at 7am, getting the train to Liverpool and somehow finding myself in Liverpool Chinese Gospel Church. I attended an awesome service, where I saw my sister, Susan, and my brothers (in Christ) Victor and Chris get baptised and declare their love and faith for the Lord. Theirs is similar to MCCC's; similar format, worship styles, people, enthusiasm. I LOVE Pastor David Seiboth. Although it's the first time I've met him properly, he's such a decent, gentle and good natured person, despite not being youthful (as modern society would define!). I was so blessed by him and his teachings. A heart for Christ indeed! On entering the church...I was really nervous. I wouldn't say I wasn't welcomed. I was so glad to be there. Yet, I felt so isolated and out of place. I could feel a network of friendship link from person to person, all going AROUND me, rather actually connecting with me. Dislocation.

I went to a youth group session. That was awesome. We had Guan-Wei lead us into worship, which was so powerful (never knew he was a worship leader!) Then had a sharing session for people who wanted to reveal what they've learnt since the retreat, or needed to share due to lack of time at the retreat. After much open, heart poured confessions and encouragement, we prayed for each other and the people who needed our prayers. Especially Henri, who is in HK with her very ill grandad, and Jess Mak. The youth group session was so inspiring. The voice of an army projected from the hearts of a few. There were even people from the local neighborhood coming in and getting involved, seeing what was happening. A fire is burning in Look Up. And it's scorching all within its grasp.

There was a crazy baptism party at Uncle Kay Kay's house (who I hadn't met before). It was such a HUGE house! But...there was almost a ring around me, sort of bouncing people away from me. I didn't know anyone. The isolation stayed for a bit. Found a place next to Susan and made myself as compact as possible, placing myself on half a chair next to her and having a Heart to Heart discussion. Very fruitful. Managed to meet a new brother in Christ, by the name of Nick. He's of black origin; I can't remember which African nation he's from. Regardless, I'm so blessed we're under the same banner, that we serve the same Lord. I love him. He's so cheerful and built in the foundation of God. Although he's 45, he understands youth very well. I learnt a few things from him that day...praise God. Slowly though, people began to let me in on their fellowship. They have a lot of energy. People were tearing through the house, screaming, giggling, scared, hyper, colliding off the walls and each other indefinitely; in a word, exuberance. After the Chelsea match (where they got their butts kicked due to lack of organisation), Look Up had the late night worship they never finished from their last night of their retreat to do with the Survival Kit. Also, there was some sharing and hardcore prayer about visions and planning for the upcoming year for Look Up. First rebuking - Becky asked me if I had any visions as such. I said that I loved the energy and unity that their youth had and hoped to bring the same to ours. Very carelessly, I bigged them up, but confessed they were better than 6:13. It was like a lion upon its prey. Whooping and cheering all around. And my heart sank. What had I done? Where were my words to build up my youth, as well as to encourage others? Without a chance to explain, I put my trust in the Lord to sort things out.

I crashed at Tom Liu's. His house is HUGE as well. Danny Wong stayed over with us. It was a fun time... just three guys chilling, being silly, watching funny Youtube videos. To me, it was quite a touching time. I know what you're thinking...guys farting, laughing at stupid things, snacking, playing poker and Big 2 late into the night...giggling away. Touching might be *slightly* incongruent...but only slightly...The reason is simply...I've never known who Danny Wong and Tom Liu were like. When I first met Danny at NEEC 5/6 years ago and stayed in the same room as him, Danny used to be quite aggressive and would push people away. He had his own group of friends (which consisted of 4/5 guys who he still keeps in contact with today) However...after a stupid incident where I spilled soup over his brother, Chris, but denied the charges, we put a hard wall between us for the next 5/6 years (or I did, anyway). The result of that? We have never spoken once since that incident. Till this year's NEEC, I swallowed my pride and approached him. What a changed person he is through JC...

Even better with Tom Liu...I have NEVER known him. I have no recollection of when we first met and crossed paths (probably same time as Danny Wong) but I don't think we ever spoke properly until a few years ago when we managed to get each others Msn addresses...and I guess it was like building a brand new relationship with someone I've never known. There was nothing spiritual, no hardcore prayer, or deep discussions into our lives and the branching paths the Lord has for us. Just 3 guys being silly. And that time was so precious to me.

The next day found me going back home with about 15 Liverpool youths. Me, Tom and Danny drove to Matt Coulson's place to meet up with Chris Mellen. After parking, we went into town to meet up with liverpool youths who were with the 6:13 youth. After some dossing, we went to Church for some worship. It was cool. Second rebuking - have your eyes open, for God, but ALSO to the people. Lose yourself in worship, but lead the people as well. I knackered everyone out by the last song. Didn't need to do it, but I felt like doing it. I guess I need to pray for more discernment next time! Thanks Chris. Needed that lesson.

Then we went to town to eat in food court. That was funny. Lots of messing around again. Quite intimidating, seeing a gang/bunch/accumulation of Chinese young people going crazy on the street.

Third rebuking - think about the environment around you. People were shying away because the guys were so intimidating...and yes, I was an instigator of the chaos. I was attracted by the energy and the playful nature. But what happens if someone needed prayer? What happens if someone wasn't feeling like it? Does it mean continue in the same fashion and just leave them in the dust if they don't join in? Where's the brotherly love in that? Like Romans 12:10 - "Honour one another above yourselves." Verse 15 says "Rejoice with those who rejoice; mourn with those who mourn." Yet, how will I know when I'm so self-centred?
Lots of lessons which I take to heart gently. As Tomps said on Monday night, "It's a good thing. We say these things to encourage you, not to shoot you down."

I'm still running.

V

What are you?

2007-09-05T02:47:00.000+02:00

Question: When is a Christian NOT a Christian?

Are you REALLY a Christian?
If you claim to be a Christian and are aware of Gods warning in the Bible that those who die in their sin, spend eternity in Hell, but you're not telling people about Jesus at every opportunity, then you have no love and may not even be saved yourself.

He that loveth not knoweth not God; for God is love. - 1 John 4:8

The Bible says that those who don't obey the Word of God will come under His judgement. Here is what Jesus said:

Go ye into all the world, and preach the Gospel to every creature. - Mark 16:15

Why call ye Me, "Lord, Lord," and do not the things which I say?" - Luke 6:46

If you know someone unsaved and are not sharing the Good News of Jesus Christ then their blood is on your hands.

When a righteous man doth turn from his righteousness, and commit iniquity, and I lay a stumbling block before him, he shall die: because thou hast not given him warning, he shall die in this sin, and his righteousness which he hath done shall not be remembered; but his blood will I require at thine hand. - Ezekiel 3:20

Now you know what your primary responsibility is are a follower of Jesus Christ. Go and obey.

The Son of man is come to seek and to save that which was lost." - Luke 19:10

Letter From an Atheist
"You are really convinced that you've got all the answers. You've really got yourself tricked into believing you're 100% right. Well, let me tell you just one thing. Do you consider yourself to be compassionate of other humans? If you're right, as you say you are, and you believe that, then how can you sleep at night? When you speak with me, you are speaking with someone who you believe is walking directly into eternal damnation, into an endless onslaught of horrendous pain which your "loving" god created, yet you stand by and do nothing.

If you believed one bit that thousands every day were falling into an eternal and unchangeable fate, you should be running the streets mad with rage at their blindness. That's equivalent to standing on a street corner and watching every person that passes you walk blindly directly into the path of a bus and die, yet you stand idly by and do nothing. You're just twiddling your thumbs, happy in the knowledge that one day that "walk" signal will shine your way across the road.

Think about it. Imagine the horrors Hell must have in store if the Bible is true. You're just going to allow that to happen and not care about saving anyone but yourself? If you're right then you're an uncaring, unemotional and purely selfish (expletive) that has no right to talk about subjects such as love and caring."

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
This is from a tract that Tomps gave me a few days ago. What do you think when you read this? Is your soul at perfect peace when you read this? Can you say that you can speak with a clean conscience to the atheist who wrote this?

Consider this tract not a condemnation; rather, pick it up, learn from it. If what he says is true, do something about it TODAY. You can respond in anyway; there are none believers EVERYWHERE around you. At work, in school, college, university, extra curricular activities, on the bus or train. Take that extra step. It's not an option, nor is it a gentle request; it is your obligation as a follower of Jesus Christ. If you are convicted, or are scared, know that God is with you EVERYWHERE YOU GO, not just when you are happy and engaged in fellowship with fellow believers.

Exodus 23:23-25 says:

My angel will go ahead of you and bring you into the land of the Amorites, Hittites, Perizzites, Canaanites, Hivites and Jebusites, and I will wipe them out. Do not bow down before their gods or worship them or follow their practices. You must demolish them and break their sacred stones to pieces. Worship the LORD your God, and his blessing will be on your food and water.

Break people's hearts with the news of Jesus Christ, his blood on the cross and God's never ending supply of grace to make up and erase whatever our past conceals, regardless of how dirty or shameful it may seem back then.

God HIMSELF, from HIS own MOUTH promises you in Isaiah 43:2-3

When you pass through the waters,
I will be with you;
and when you pass through the rivers,
they will not sweep over you.
When you walk through the fire,
you will not be burned;
the flames will not set you ablaze.

For I am the LORD, your God,
the Holy One of Israel, your Savior;
I give Egypt for your ransom,
Cush ^[a] and Seba in your stead.

Do not fear, because He's got your back. He's a God of promises; here He has promised to keep you safe. Go and spread the Word.

Keep Chasing Him.

Charlotte's 16th

2007-08-16T03:57:00.000+02:00

Today was Charlotte's 16th birthday meal! (although her actual birthday is on Sunday?)

Charlotte Lau has 3 sisters! She is the second youngest in her family!
Fifteen people turned up on the day! Kam, Vivian, Chris Li, Jason, Tim, Harriet (a Lau!), Jess (another Lau!), Emma (the final Lau!), Hassan, Ellis, Sami, Samuel and Alex! (that's 15 including me and Charlotte!)

I got Charlotte a Candy Floss maker!! Haha random, but it's pretty cool to have right? It's more of a girly thing to have; as tempting as it is to think I would sometimes find a use for it...I don't think I'd use it regularly enough to warrant owning it!

We were in Glamorous! It's a Chinese restaurant with the usual get up; lots of tables, rotating central table tops, usually lots of Chinese people. The most distinctive feature everyone remembers (initially, anyways, I can't guarantee everyone enjoyed the service or food!) is the changing lights!!! Anyone who's been there will immediately know what I mean...the ceiling lights have perpetual transitions from colour to colour. Not even subtle, in my opinion, sometimes, they do green to red. Then red to blue. Don't go if epileptic! Not been on the second floor in a long time..! It was fairly quiet. Jason got his ass burnt by Sweet soup =D Twice =D

Meal was good! Plenty of laughs! Got home fairly late though! Was fun seeing everyone off though!

Omdayz! Haha their was this table that was in the corner of the restaurant. EVERYONE on the table were blowing kisses in my direction and looking...more or less at, or around, me. I'm short sighted, so I thought one of the girls was a friend of mine! I called my friend JUST to check.......and the girl who I was looking at LOOKED as if she was trying to hide her phone from sight by putting her hand around her ear...so I thought I clocked onto her and stormed over. As soon as I did...she turned around...Woops! Immediately picked up the phone and walked back...*sigh* hahaha. Man I suck.

Happy 16th Charlotte!

V

Pride < Love

2007-08-16T03:25:00.000+02:00

"The thing that gets me a lot...and has been for the past few weeks...is the way people are so ready to disown other people...even if it's just a laugh. It's like, almost a pride thing, where they are too cool to be associated with that person...so for example, when you see someone you know, and as a laugh, say "Oh, I don't know you! Hahahaha!"

Conviction falls like a hammer. It craters wide and deep. It settles evenly as like lead dust. Conviction burrows deep into your already cracked heart, further down an existing one, or funneling a new way.

Pride. n.

1. A sense of one's own proper dignity or value; self-respect.

The speech presented at the top of this post is what Tomps said to me. How true are his words. It may be pedantic, but it leads to the problem within, where you don't even realise that you harbour this pride. Where you allow this to settle comfortably, nestling within your heart and letting it mar your good qualities JC bestowed upon you. Although the intention is just for laughs, I realise where Tomps was going with this conviction. Satan makes you think it's ok to joke like that, even though you're just having a laugh, you're immediately placing yourself above other people; you're "disowning your own friends" for the sake of reputation.

Well, JC threw his life away and poured out his blood and disfigured his body, so that we might know God. What right do I have to uphold my "dignity" and retain a "respectable" image for the sake of society, people's opinions and "street cred"?

"Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, tht it may benefit those who listen." - Ephesians 4:29

On another note, I saw the doctor today. I may have torn my knee ligament. Need to go back for a scan, to see the extent of the damage.

Sorry everyone for what I've done and said.

V

About time!!!!

2007-08-08T01:53:00.000+02:00

Brand: Norman
Model: B20
Top: Spruce
Sides: Cherry Wood
Price: £399

Yeah...about time I upgraded my guitar! The sound this produces is SO warm...

Got this baby on Saturday, after nearly a month of searching. It wasn't an exhaustive scouring, but it was somewhat worrying. I've been looking for a new guitar since NEEC, because I wanted to upgrade my sound (after much contemptuous advice over the current guitar I have!). I came across a Cort, which had a cool sound...but the design was a bit weird. Tried the Yamaha APX900 and it's downgraded version, APX500...but they all pale considerably in comparison to the Norman. I think one reason it felt so natural to play it, is because I used to borrow Tim Poon's Dad's guitar, which is also a Norman...Doesn't matter! I've got it!!

So, I was 19 on Sunday. How was it, you ask? I think I spent it the best way possible!
Played for Stephanie in worship, then saw the Charity Shield match between Man U and Chelsea (which wasn't bad, got to see a few good players), then went to a birthday meal with my cousins at Sappora. Haha, it's such a funny place. I recommend people to try it! I don't want to explain why. It was great fun, because I've never seen my cousins, who are all in their mid-20's, been embarrassed before. Thank you God that I had the opportunity to see that they're human!!! Got a camera from them and some clothes from various people! Thank you, Poon family and other friends, for the cake before I had the meal! You guys are so thoughtful!!

All in all, a good day!

But I'm 19! I don't have too many contemplative thoughts to summarize the year...I don't feel much different. However, on reflection, I think that's because I've scrawled them all on my blog! Thank you everyone, for taking time to read my thoughts and, sometimes, detrimental introspection!

Keep chasing Him.

V

That woman...!

2007-07-18T17:51:00.000+02:00

I finally have my bible back!!! After it being missing for a few weeks (by missing, dad lent it to some woman for her son to have a look at), it's finally back in my possession! Awesome!! =D =D =D

On another note...as sad as I am, I was incredibly intrigued as to who one of the singers are in Hillsong United's ensemble of worship leaders was. He sings Saviour King on the new album, All Of The Above. It's an awesome song and he has a captivating voice...so I looked...without success haha. The people of the world, via Wikipedia, has failed me. I never uncovered his name. However, I came across this wonderful young woman, by the name of Brooke Fraser. She's Australia's answer to Jack Johnson perhaps? Her voice is most prominent and distinctive in Hosanna. I was SO intrigued, that I went off on one about her. She has two albums. Within minutes of listening to her songs, I ordered her first album and downloaded it (legal! since I now own the songs =D). If I must say, good choice Vin haha =D.

Summer's long. But prayer is good. So's reading.

Who am I?

2007-07-08T23:47:00.000+02:00

So, a while has settled before I touch this blog. What has happened?

Tuesday, me, Daniel, Mel and her best mate from college went to see Journey To The West. She's called Romana. I haven't seen her in years. I don't mean two or three; I can recall vividly slapping her when she was visiting Mel at our house when I was eight. Beyond that, I can't recollect any other meetings. Her first reaction when she saw me and realized who I am, was "Oh my GOD!! You've grown up!!!" And hand to her mouth in astonishment and the like. It was strange seeing people from the past... Made me think, "what about the people I went to school with? What will they think of me now? Would they use the same adjectives and descriptions? Will I be completely foreign when held against who they knew a few years ago?" But I digress. The play was so funny...really brought the antagonistic nature of Monkey out, but conveyed the relationships and unity of the group through all their little trials. The colour was awesome; the blends, the contrast, the subtle implications of what may happen. The Chinese producers seem to be showing an innovative streak when it comes to colour co-ordination, as shown through those big epic films like Crouching Tiger Hidden Dragon, or House of Flying Daggers. My main critique, which was agreed upon by Mel and her mate Romana, was that the subtitles were a bit random...everything was in mandarin and subtitles were being shown at the foot of the stage. However...they popped up sporadically, all in white as well, so it was difficult to piece together who was saying what to who and it was just a whole lot of confusion! If they had that sorted, I think it would have fetched them a lot more laughs, whilst catering the audience's understanding a whole lot better! haha. monkey noises...ooh ooh!

I went to the Eden conference, about Urban missions! Basically, helping out in the community! The reason behind MY attendance is because Matt Coulson thought up of what to do with 6:13, to help them grow as a unit and spiritually, whilst contributing towards church's vision of expanding in the community. As such, he composed a mini-project for 6:13, labeling it "Action Wednesdays". Since it's on a Wednesday, it'll probably be during day hours, like, 9-5? But the majority of the leader team are working...I emphasize on *majority* because I'm the only one available. So, I personally feel Matt has just dumped something that was his passion, onto my shoulders. At first, as cynical and indifferent as possible, I just said "yes Matt. Whatever you say. I'll do it because I don't have a choice and you'll probably be annoyed with me if I don't." Nothing really happened; I have to go with Uncle Kim and Shermaine on one of their visits to the neighbourhood to introduce myself to the people whose houses we will invade - I mean, renovate, according to their needs! Karen invited me to this conference held in Manchester, by the people in charge of the Eden project! People from all over the country gathered; Sheffield, Leeds, Birmingham, Scotland. The furthest was Germany!! How insane!!

I was totally humbled by this whole thing. People were sharing about what to do once they've moved into an estate, how they could help, tension between teams and other leaders and how to resolve this. The visions, aims and size of the projects were really massive...I felt so out of my league! These people were seeing youth around them saved, after investing years of their lives into the youth and discipling, monitoring and encouraging them! Stories shared were from extremity to extremity...like, people being shot with BB guns whilst trying to worship in the congregation, windows being smashed regularly, just blemishing these genuine people's lives with malevolence and intention to make their lives hell, for moving on these estates. I was really inspired by it all...although I don't have such a project in my hands, I aim to make sure we can bless the community around us with our joy and unassuming work for them! It took a while, but I've realized that...maybe this is what God wants me to be doing over the summer? haha...things fall in place in really odd bits!

I guess here's the serious, personal stuff now. After a lot of thinking after going to Liverpool for Katie Lang's birthday, I realised...I need to step up a gear. I was just thinking, after some of the events and some of my actions, that I am now a youth leader. I'm not sure if my conduct and demeanor reflects that at all...there were many times when I wasn't being fully responsible and didn't thoroughly appraise the consequences of my actions. Yes, it's not youth group and we can all have fun. But yes, we are living as salt and light in a dark world and we're all set out to be leaders. I have to start..."upgrading". In that sense, I refer to myself not being someone I am not...otherwise, Vinny K and the team wouldn't have agreed to allow me onto the leader team. They think I am capable of being a youth group leader; namely, being aware of my actions, being able to make a clear distinction between what's right and wrong, set an example through faith and action and being "mature". They have clear belief in this, after seeing me grow and develop as a person and spiritually. But what is mature? Chester gave me a good definition, with regards to conduct - "The distinction between having fun and being serious". But, at this moment in time, I feel like I'm not engaging with this level of maturity properly...and I know I have to step up. But it doesn't mean being someone who I'm not, because I've displayed "sides" of me which convey *some* depth of intelligence and sensitivity. I'm just lost...how far do I have to go?

Another sort of serious issue that I've recognized and confronted is one that's interlinked with the above issue of maturity and responsibility. I was at Sean's christening for his sons today...and I met many people. One of whom is Sean's close friend. He amusedly remarked how he has seen different "sides" to me. Moreover, I was joking with Sean's grandmother. She sparked up a superficial debate in jest, that you needed to have a degree to use the chocolate fountain (sweet isn't she?) I just played along and giggled with her...yet when she brought it up in the kitchen, once again, all in good humour, Sean took it differently and thought I called her plain dumb. What hurts isn't the fact that he thought I would have done something like that; do I really portray so many aspects of my personality, that are so far from each other, that I seem like there are a few persona I adopt around different people? What I mean is...does Sean think that I am two faced and so shallow, that I pretend to be someone else when I'm with him, then do what I like in the background? I work hard on keeping my integrity grounded and unwavering. Yet, he is so uncertain about my "humour" that he knows when I'm kidding with him, yet when with other people, he must be thinking that I'm such a prick for being so...frivolous, flaring and outrageous comments and allowing a demeaning attitude towards everyone else overcome me. As God's child...surely...shouldn't I be just as one person? Yeah we make mistakes. But I'm torn that people think I act differently around other people. It's true to an extent. Everyone does. But my integrity, honesty, manners and care for others should be equivalent and spread in the same, abstract quantity across everyone I meet, so upon comparison, there is no doubt about *that* aspect of my character. But I don't think this is the case...

I hate being young.

Typhoon at home

2007-06-25T00:27:00.000+02:00

What is loss?

My favorite dictionary site says it is:

1. The act or an instance of losing

I think most people's initial associations are "irreplacable", "unfortunate"...I think the circumstances that spring to mind usually consist of when someone has physically lost something...very valuable. I guess with further thought, it also refers to when you lose something internally, emotionally and things that can't be seen and felt.

But what about gain? Surely, where someone has lost something, even if it's something you can't see and is *really* irreplaceable...what then?

To gain...is to acquire.

Yet when you lose something, you don't suddenly gain experience, wisdom, comfort or anything immediately. The only thing "gained" is a further depth of doubt and pain...self torment and unhealthy mental inspiration.

The first thing I wanted from my loss was what I didn't cherish.

And what have I gained, from all my loss?

I grounded my aims and future in someone who knows best. My mind opened to the world and what I needed to do became stark clear, blaring out every morning when I woke, every day when I walked the streets, in company and in isolation.

I found my life.

Miss you mum.

V

As the rain, so comes the shine.

2007-06-22T23:35:00.000+02:00

Chewing on my tongue, in hope that the right words will come out.
Crunching my mind, in hope trenchant advice will tumble out from my head.
Excavating like a rookie, anticipating great treasure, desperate for hope and a glimpse of the light of an exit.

Breast Cancer strikes again in our church.

This is another rant and rave about my God.

First thoughts; "Why God?"
But I guess I realised that I knew better than to ask HIM why...it mutated very quickly into "What now?"
No, they haven't deserved it. No, God doesn't dish out punishment as he sees fit; those who are saved and follow our Lord JC are saved from it. Doesn't mean unfortunate things in life can't land on "Christians'" heads...what it does mean, is that we now have a long battle to face.

What words do I say? When shall I help? Do I visit often? Do I share all the time? Shall I be normal to them? What the hell IS normal?? What am I usually like??...

My head falls into itself, creases and folds again. My head and heart suddenly crash into one resounding whisper...only to trigger the next discord and battle of prevailing thoughts, benevolent, uncertain and just plain ole questions. That's what humans do. We question. An innate feature of all human minds is to formulate questions, of which the answer demands causality and comfort, or the affirmation of knowledge, when something goes awry...even when you know the answer. Do you find you do that? You ask, when you have already seen evidence, yet the mind's denial is so strong, that it will make you trace back your steps, asking the same things, for a cross reference from someone you trust or you know has reliable sources...

Apparently, treatment shall start very soon for the mother in mind. It only occurred to me at what stage it was at when we were praying; one of the doctor's of our church was talking about physical disfigurement, hair loss, physical incapacity to do what they like to do, whether that be spending time with their kids, or lacking the strength to cook for them, the inability to uphold their inner strength and force the body to convey this strength...it brought back a lot of memories. Just knowing that the children of this family have yet to see with their eyes this transformation and temporary pain, the mother fighting to regain control and stability over her new life, the father to stay strong as the head and make readjustments in the plans of the family life. Just knowing this suddenly sparked into mind...these guys need comfort. Where was I when this was happening? In my own world...letting mum fight her own battles herself...

This pain is hard to explain. One of the most heart wrenching memories I can replay word for word, repaint colour for morbid colour and cry over, is when mum was lying in bed, aching and groaning. I desperately fumbled for paracetamol, asking her if it would help. She mustered up the energy to turn it down, because she said the pain she's feeling can't be cured with simple painkillers. I was stood there in my room, with a foil packet in my hand. With an iron brand, I felt the sear of "Useless" stamped on my forehead. She was like that for the next few days.

I guess I'm going to have to stick close to God, for what He wants, and how I can help.

Trust is starting. I don't care what I have to do now. With this new situation popping up, all I'm concerned with is kicking prayer life back into gear. One of mum's memory verse cards inspired me; Proverbs 3: 5-6:

Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will make your paths straight.

Also...the yNEEC theme verse really came to light, finally. 1 Corinthians 1:8 -
And He will keep you strong to the end, so you will be blameless on the day of our Lord Jesus Christ.

As Derek informed us, that verse is about trust in the Lord, that he will make us strong. Screw trying hard to get better...the heart is there. But God's wants first, what I want later...(IT'S SO FRIGGING TOUGH??? >.<)

Today, I spent 12 hours out with Tim, Jason, Andy, Steven Li and some liverpool people. Initially a Manchester University open day, but slowly turned into a mini social gathering as the day advanced haha. However, no pictures to prove it...it was a fun time. I guess the mention of "university prospectuses" dampened the atmosphere and potential mayhem and chaos that youth like to stir up when they're together. Yes, I'm an instigator. I confess...

On the way home, I fell in love.
After an irritating time of an old man touching me up whilst waiting for the metrolink, then being told it doesn't work and I was ushered to the bus...I saw one of God's gems.

The sun resigning for the day, the seams of the overbearing clouds, saturated with a dull sorrow, let loose...and tints of crimson trickled, bleeding through. In other chinks of the sky, blue wisps of clean air floated by, almost trailing and leading these streaks of heart-piercing warmth...Amidst technology, delapidated shelter, human activity...I couldn't deny it. I broke down on the bus.

You're beautiful, JC.

Keep chasing Him.

V

Reflection

2007-06-12T16:29:00.000+02:00

And so it's done.

A whole year. From September till now. That's it. I'm now a more experienced university student and I know how it all works; making friends, maintaining those friendships, attendance for lectures and tutorials, amount of dedication for work, extracurricular activities. On top of all that, I was increasingly involved in church; mainly the worship side of things. Also, I've slowly been building myself up to become a youth group leader. Come September, I shall hold the title. But that's all it is. One thing I have deduced from the label of YG leader is that they all have a passion for the youth and helping them come to know the Lord; the label doesn't reflect any of the individual's knowledge, experience, or walk with God, though. It does reflect determination and the will to be better.

My friend has gone back to Brunei. It's a real pity that he's gone. Only started to get to know him over the past half year. The other half, I was struggling and swiping in mid air for comfort and joy. In retrospect, I'm not sure how else we would have/could have spent the time together. I think...that I don't regret anything we did in the past. Everything done, was to strengthen the friendship, consciously or unwittingly. He's gone now. It's time to move on, I guess. I'm *so* not used to this whole idea of people coming and going in life. Emotional attachment sucks.

A whole year...It was only yesterday I felt that pain smolder; the itch beyond cure. It was only yesterday I was still questioning and wondering where I was, why I was and what to do. It was only yesterday I was 18 and was slightly drunk. It's flown by. What have I learnt?

Not enough.

Pieces of You

2007-06-09T02:32:00.000+02:00

Today was the last time us uni people shall see each other before they all run off, doing their own things during the summer til September arrives.

I was reprimanded by the Lord very sharply today. I was in Quality Save (AWESOME shop! in picadilly gardens, next to Marks&Spencer!!), just swiftly sweeping a few snacking items to pass the time whilst I waited for Ibi. I bought the popcorn, chocolate dip things and some love hearts. It came to a total of £1.88, of which I paid £10 for. So the change was £8.12...all in pound coins. I moved on in the queue to allow other people to pay for their items, but I checked and in a very conceited, contemptuous manner, I thought to myself that I could go back and tell her to keep the change of 12p; the pound coins are all that mattered. Yet, it took only the time lightning takes to blitz the earth, to realize that it's the pennies that make the pound coins. I realized that YES, one hundred pennies make up a pound...and although it's value is greater, it took eight hundred of those pennies to make up those pound coins. Similarly, regardless of people's position or role in God's kingdom, with whatever talent they've been imparted with by the big man Himself, they are there to make up the BIGGER picture. Even if you serve the tea in church and that's ALL you do in church for the next ten years, this SMALL act contributes towards the church's image of hospitality offered through its refreshment services and so on and so forth. After being humbled by this fact...I guess I carried on with a smaller head and less worry about my future. Every penny counts.

So the gang ended up with me
Layla Sean Odoley
Ibi

The lot of us went to Pizza Express to engage in some strange conversation, with a dash of eccentric behaviour, plenty of laughs and an overpriced, but healthy, pizza. Afterwards, we went to a bar called "Simple", which was very well hidden. Haha, after half an hour of awkward silence and settling down, readjusting our mental states and aligning our behaviour according to the context of our surroundings, we had MORE laughs! We also saw RIO FERDINAND there. It was great to see someone of his status going to a small, local bar. He didn't explicitly go there to integrate himself within the local populace, but he didn't shun anyone either. Was cool. Am SURE he's bigger on TV!! Haha.

It was a good night. I'm glad I've been blessed with these friends. God provides naturally. After they left, I held onto the pieces they've sown into my heart. Good friends for every time, not just the bad or good.

Uni will make you. Just keep chasing Him.

V

Pieces of me

2007-06-07T03:28:00.000+02:00

A clash of “everything”
With fierce tremors of doubt
Rippling across all I hold true;
Confusion whispering in giggles
On where I stand with You…

Identity, once a tranquil haven,
Crumples.
A clamor, and the ground, broken.
And I’m on my knees, with my heart scattered
As it was found; shards
Dig deep, like thorns,
These new found combinations of memory
And speculation burrows as deep as before…

Yet, my heart burns for You.
You gathered pieces of me
And made me flow
Peace rest
Joy manifest
Life flow In me…

And I’m not prepared;
I am ready
To be tossed in storms
To be crippled in battle
Humbled beneath the ground in which I stand
To learn of our nature
To learn of Yours
To run back to Your arms
Cause I burn for You

--------------------------------------------

I think I'll call it "pieces of me". Wrote this just now. Had some inspiration from a friend who was feeling as I did. The title refers to when I thought about myself...and how I used to be so separated and isolated from reality, seeking existence and acknowledgment...just a calamity. My heart was just a series of painful memories scattered all over the place...and the consternation of what happened and not knowing who to hold onto.

JC answered that rhetorical question and transmuted it into a challenge.
He picked up my broken heart, scattered everywhere and stuck it together in such a way that all my pain and fear, the sorrow and instability of my life flowed...so that I can still be me. Yet, I can actually have a new heart, so that I can move onwards from stagnation...

This sums my past few weeks. Of containing God in a box...of not knowing the direction in which I am running.
But these empty feelings were discarded as soon as I came to Him on my knees in desperation.

Matthew 11:28 Come to me all who are weary and carry heavy burdens, and I will give you rest

Worship leading. I know I want to lead people to His presence. Yet, am I going to be professional? Or shall I do it on a part time basis like, once a week on Sundays? A question that's been plaguing my mind since NEEC, when God planted that seed into my head.

Extracted conclusions? WAIT ON HIM, IDIOT!! It's not up to me to decide my future. Same with football. Just because turning pro seems unlikely now, doesn't mean I don't continue to improve.

But when do I start? What about the summer? What shall I do?

The answer came straight away.

I'll make myself a slave to Him.
I'm going to breach limits like they weren't set initially. I'm going to be *better*, all for the sake of living a life of excellence and glory for God. Can't wait.

I reiterate. Forget about being PREPARED; He wants to know - ARE YOU READY??

Keep chasing Him.
Don't let uni break you.

V

Found

2007-06-04T13:40:00.000+02:00

Amazing love,
now what else shall I need
Your name brings life,
it's more than the air I breathe

My world has changed,
when Your life You gave for me
My purpose found
and all that You want for me

And I've found myself in You, Lord
And I've found myself in You

So take me to a place
where I can see You face to face
and all I wanna do, all I wanna do
is worship You
So take me to a place
where I can see You face to face
and all I wanna do, all I wanna do
is worship You

What a song. Found, by Hillsong United. It's the sentiment of being acknowledged, identified, attached to a secure source...similar to the Strange Situation theory I learned for Developmental Psychology...I think it was John Bowlby...basically, we need someone to be attached to for comfort, so we can explore new areas with less fear because of the safety guard beside us...God is all that and more...

I cried just now to that song. I don't know what came over me. Praise the Lord; evolutionary psych is over!!! And I don't even care; I just want to worship...

Keep Chasing Him!
Don't let uni break you.

V

Standard

2007-06-01T18:47:00.000+02:00

In the midst of my revision, I came across this article in the paper...the title is

'That's phat, brotha! Innit?' Tesco issues guide to teenage slang for its older staff

Tesco are teaching street slang to older workers to help them understand and communicate with their younger colleagues.

Employees over retirement age have been issued with a phrasebook listing more than 30 of the most common phrases used by teenagers.

Phrases included in the guide include:

• A and B the C of D: Above and Beyond the Call of Duty

• Am I bovvered?: I don’t care

• B in the D: Back in the Day

• Bad: Good NB: this can also mean bad; when in doubt, just nod

I haven't even HEARD of "B in the D"??? What's going on? Haha it's actually somewhat comical...

I am not claiming to be a linguistic genius by any means, but my teachings from school has taken its toll; I can say that I love English. It's NOT just a subject; it is related to psychology, exploring the mind, creation of mood, feeling, emotion and causality behind relationships. English isn't JUST about a bunch of words; these words are just VEHICLES for true expression, which need to be sought within the meanings, or even underneath the apparent surface...English can be fun?

*DUN DUN DUUUUUUN* omgosh? Did he just say what I THINK he said!!! - er yeah I did say English is fun?

How the world has changed...

However, I'm somewhat a hypocrite. I still use these new terms; it's inevitable, I'm young and was exposed to it whilst it was being nurtured and tweaked over the past decade. Innit?

Haha if you want to read the article, it is here.

I still have a few more exams. But, Afro Samurai is so damn funny!

"Can you *DIG IT*?? Then let's get BIZ ZAY!!!"

Haha another GREAT line is when Ninja Ninja sees the clone across the bridge.

"awww HEEEEEEEEEELL no!! This sh!t ain't even NATURULL!!!"

Haha Samuel L. Jackson is a great voice actor and actor in life. The African American Vernacular English...so daYUM funny!! haha Love it!

Right...back to brain-mashing aka known as revising in the unassuming world...*sigh*

Keep chasing Him!!!

Uni. Don't let it break you, let it make you.

V

Uh-oh

2007-05-30T13:43:00.000+02:00

Why am I blogging right before an exam???
The only things that rattle around the cage of my head is "Uh-oh" and "argh...!!", as well as "for what He's done for you, me, us, praise to our God, for He is good".

amen!

Uni. It'll either make or break you.

V

Lifted

2007-05-30T11:29:00.000+02:00

I need words
As wide as sky
I need language large as
This longing inside
And I need a voice
Bigger than mine
And I need a song to sing You
That I've yet to find
I need You,
oh I need You
I need You,
oh I need You
To be here now
To be here now
To hear me now
To hear me now

What a turbulent past couple of weeks I've been having. Was at a complete standstill with God, just...not moving much. Exams really suck. However, it has had its highlights as well; namely just the meeting of a few new brothers and hearing stories of preservation throughout this time of CRAP!! Exams = rubbish?? It's like, Satan took hold of that *one* person in the education department all that time ago and implanted the seed of thought into his head, culminating into him suggesting "I know...just for *FUN* let's TEST these people on EVERYTHING they could POSSIBLY learn throughout the entire year! AND for the icing on top, let's make sure that their life and professional careers are messed up, should they fail? *maniacal laughter ensues*"

That David Crowder song is called "I Need Words". What a wonderful song Ches Ches introduced me to. It's about requiring strength beyond our own. Although I'm not in a position to need words as such, I relate to the song's sentiment. I have just been feeling utterly weak the past few weeks...with unnecessary thoughts flitting around in this noggin of mine. Dad springs to mind. So does exams and future. Psch future...can play around with that forever.

I have also brought back a few U2 classics home, like "North and South of the River". Strange though; it's a war song. What the hell am I doing listening to a war song??? Haha the lyrics are just as poignant in this one...

There was a badness that had its way
But love wasn't lost, love will have its day

I wanna meet you where you are
I don't need ya to surrender '
Cause there's no feeling that's so alone
As when the one you're hurting is your own

Just feelings of inadequacy and reaching my limits, being generally myopic and putting God in a box...God is so graceful even after I realize I shouldn't act so fallen; his message was so gentle and simple. God is a jealous God (exodus 34:14) and His words aren't empty...Isaiah 41:10 -

So do not fear, for I am with you;
do not be dismayed, for I am your God.
I will strengthen you and help you;
I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.

Yet even if these promises are there, I'm so *stupid* for not being abandoned within them. I realized "Hey...you part of the body. Look at them all around you, clinging desperately to God and forcefully taking the Kingdom of God! See how they're coping? What the HELL are YOU doing just standing here?? Get on with your life!!! STOP holding everyone else back, weak sauce!! Stop *THINKING* and analyzing and improve to no end!!!!!!"

For sure, I need You; my Father God, I need Him like no time like the present. But, I can't just sit here any longer. Restlessness has taken its toll; I'm gonna carry on! Thank you, Tomps, for helping me realize this! Thank you GOD for being so faithful...

To echo Chris Mellen's thoughts, there shall be a new addition to my motto.

Keep *chasing* Him!
Uni. It'll either make or break you.

V

Comfort

2007-05-25T14:58:00.000+02:00

My Dad snores when he sleeps. Yet, the slow, steady rumbles of gruff exhalations aren't unwelcome; it's the obvious telltale sign of slumber. Unassuming, without concern, in his own world of thought and wonder. It eases me when I hear he can rest.

More pangs of joy when I see him do little things, like cleaning up the house (or big things, considering we're male and we don't prioritize cleaning and house chores!). It resonates inside; the sentiment of thankfulness that he is enjoying himself, somewhat; preparing the house for friends couldn't be any less fun. I slowly think back...and back. And back. And he's all I have now.

Sleep causes funny things to your mind and thoughts. Sleeplessness causes harm to the body and mind.

Uni. It'll either make or break you.

V