Ever learning. Always failing. Forever weak. Yet eternally saved. From a price to pay. Which I could and can not afford. Learning to live life. Learning to love life. Growing into shoes larger than my own. Finding meaning in Your name. Love and peace.
Task: The alphabet; each letter represents a characteristic of God. Name each letter for a characteristic of God that you know/have experienced.
I quickly scan over and instinctively find myself at the letter "V"; V being the first letter of my name, maybe it's a spiritual home and one that I'll always be inclined to look at.
And then, immediately, the word screams at me like a raging Gospel choir, who have warmed up, who are encouraged, unstoppable and completely surrendered to God's will:
There are many things wrong with us. The strangest thing is that God designed us to be perfect in His eyes, yet we are subjected to parading wherever we go with these fake masks of mediocrity, impartiality and a pleasant demeanour.
Unfortunately, I SUCK at pretending to be ok. I hate pretending that everything is fine. It's shallow, it's a lie to myself and I need to show that I don't agree with something. It doesn't justify any irrational actions done in the heat of the moment. But I definitely don't hide it when I am upset at something/someone.
I hate it when people let me down, or when you place your trust within and individual, just to have them turn around and fail you. Again. And again.
I hate forgiving someone, but having to bear that person's bitterness and anger towards you whilst holding any recrimination and rebuke firmly behind your gritted teeth.
I hate it when people bitch about you in FRONT of you and drag you down into this box, thinking that you are "immature", "incapable", "weird". I hate these labels and this stereotype of mould.
I hate bitterness and the way it grinds you down the more you try to run from it...and the more you get close, the more you are sucked into this empty feeling.
I hate a lot of stuff.
But I love it when Jesus covers all of that for us.
I love it when God reminded Paul and reminded us that his grace is sufficient for us.
I love it when we are reminded by Yahweh Himself that we are so weak and brittle, but on eagles wings we will soar because of the hope we have in Him.
I love it when I learn how to see the beauty in people, rather than attack the mouldy, dark bits that confront me whenever I am close to them.
I love it that my relationship with God is never interrupted by other people and if it is, God WANTS to solve it, rather than let it slide for a bit...
I love God for creating perfect humans, who break themselves, yet fixes us up again for whatever fault we have fabricated. We're not broken. We're not useless and without aim. We don't have only a single goal to achieve before our expiry date. We have an eternal life with this fixer, redeemer and lover after this mess.
I love the fact that God loves me.
Class adjourned. You may go home now. Remember to re read John 3:16 again, children! Learn that God loves you all the time!
Sorry. The mind spoke aloud.
So yeah. I love that Jesus loves me. Even if I do have a mole in between my fingers!
Today was the first time that I was encouraged by God's word in a long time, because it was so personal and so comforting.
Ezekiel 36:25-27 Then I will sprinkle clean water on you, and you shall be clean; I will cleanse you from all your filthiness and from all your idols. I will give you a new heart and put a new spirit within you; I will take the heart of stone out of your flesh and give you a heart of flesh. I will put My Spirit within you and cause you to walk in My statutes, and you will keep My judgments and do them.
A prophecy by Ezekiel, who spreads the message that God will repair the damage done in us. When we will no longer suffer from Adam and Eve's mistakes, but be reconciled with God through Jesus Christ. His Spirit will dwell in us and we will be refreshed, keeping to His commandments and obeying His will.
I was encouraged simply because I've felt so dry for a while. The works have become greater than my faith and I have high expectations of everything and everyone. My perspective became skewed and I was struggling to keep myself together. But God reminded me today that He gave me His spirit, so that I don't have to struggle alone. When I need advice or need console, I can look to Yahweh, my maker, creater and lover.
But I have to stay in His presence, so that His promises would come to me. I have to seek His Kingdom, before I can receive the benefits. It doesn't always just fall into my lap, as if deserved. Rather, it is God's grace that we can be in His presence and in His Kingdom.
When I'm down and out and everything is terrible, with contracts being signed bearing unknowing consequences and necessary contracts not appearing, work life comes to a halt. Love life is a struggle because I don't feel I can support her, I don't listen or care about her. I have no passion. I have no motivation. I am in a pit and I am in "the dark place", where so many of us tend to find ourselves. Jobless, broke, no direction and no potential, no value in the world, no friends to rely on...it's a grim picture that I splash on the canvas.
Before you spare a moment of sympathy, and consider leaving a word of encouragement, let me ask you one vital question: do you NEED a reason to encourage someone else? Do you treat someone according to their product? Do you say "well done! keep it up!" like a master to a well trained dog, if they do what they were supposed to? And as logic follows, do you then berate them if they do it wrong; "YOU'RE USELESS!" The question stands; do you NEED a reason to encourage someone?
The verb "to encourage" stems from the Hebrew word "chazaq", of which has many meanings along the lines of to strengthen, prevail, be strong, become strong, be courageous, be firm, grow firm and many others. To strengthen someone else, to help them become strong, or help them prevail. Giving them the courage to grow and become firm.
Luke 4:18 - Jesus was teaching in synagogues and it was prophesised that the poor will hear the good news, the oppressed will taste freedom. Blind will see and deaf will hear. All because Jesus was encouraging and teaching people he didn't know.
Phillipians 4:8 - encourage others to think Godly, wholesome subjects and love the Lord always.
2 Thessalonians 2:17 - encourage our hearts, strengthening us in every good work and deed. Just as God gives us courage and hope, shouldn't we also strengthen our brothers and sisters?
I've listed a few things here. I feel there is a distinct lack of encouragement in my life.
I've said enough. Time to slump back into the shadows again.
Is it wrong to embody a particular abstract feeling in a person? We do it all the time with people we know, or people we don't personally know very well...
Example: John Smith...man, I really don't get along with him. I feel that he is so weird and antisocial. When I talk to him, he doesn't talk directly to me, but just shrugs me off. Almost like, he has no social skills whatsoever. A very unpleasant man indeed.
In fact, even easier when we think of our *special someone*...these people are usually carry positive associations of affect when we think of them, such as "caring, loving, kind, gentle, selfless, sacrificial"...
Does it distort our thinking? Does it limit our world as we know it?
...is how I'd optimistically describe my situation right now. Not much going down in church...not much going on academic wise, now that's I've graduated...and career wise needs to be worked form scratch.
Graduated. Doesn't really phase me...I guess I have a few good memories of the past few years...people I met and stuff. Hung around the same group over the past few years, to be honest, but it's cool with me. The word "graduation" just means it's time to conform and start busting your ass...doesn't signify any notable achievement, reflect your friendly characteristic traits or demonstrate any abilities and talents you have...you walk away with a piece of paper and know that you've got a life to start moulding now. It's a pretty boring, sad affair to be honest. I feel no more intelligent, mature (f*ck that concept) or happy since graduating...
Ceremony will be on the 16th. I wonder what I'll do. Who will employ me and what menial task I'll be assigned to on the basis I'm being racially discriminated, too illiterate or something else preventing me from getting a job I'd like.
So, how do I describe this physical and mental state of mine?
So graduation is staring me in the face. It's over and done with.
And the past few weeks have been more eventful than the whole three years.
I am concerned about my sister. She continues to remain an enigma to me, one of those boxes you can't open, just look at from a distance. I get closer, but I never get to see what's she really feeling. I worry for her. I seethe in anger when she lies to me with the same damned cliche that's second nature to our tongues; "I'm fine", or variation of that could be "I'm ok".
I wonder how she is.
My family is messed up. I wonder how do I fit into this new structure. Lord help us all...
Relationship with God? Well, pretty bad actually. I treat Him like piss. Controversial? Try truth. Am I proud? Huh, do I get support?
The future is bright. The future is - cut -
Insert - a barefaced lie - I was told the other day I'm a product of this society. Wow. Deep. No autonomy or individual thinking there. You're a sheep. They groomed you to think, act and speak this way. Oh, by the way, no offense.
I'm not offended by the statement, as much as I am by the underlying meaning. Am I really?
Today I was told I'm really immature. I can either reply with a frank "f*ck you" as I'm accustomed to nowadays, or I can come to grips with it.
Support. I yearn for it. However, do I really need it? Do I need it from the people I look to?
Who wants to support this big f*cking ball of anger that I've become anyway. I'm moving more and more into a nihilistic perspective, putting on lead shoes and pitch black sunglasses. Maybe I am immature. Maybe maturity ISN'T a social convention and due to the indoctrination, maybe I am just a big joke. Haha. After the laughs, it's pretty empty.
Sunday, November 08, 2009
「€Œ 2:06 AM 」 » 
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